Body versus Brain

The past six months have been an interesting six months to say the least. For one, I am six months post bikini competitor life and have jumped headfirst into training for my first figure competitions in Spring 2017. Second, I have developed an unhealthy healthy relationship with my food and diet. Let me explain...

Today I attended a seminar on eating disorders and had so many moments of "holy hell, that's me" and "damnit, it shouldn't be this difficult." I would not classify myself as someone who has an eating disorder. However, I am beginning to realize that I have an addiction, an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. To me, this is terrifying. This is never something I anticipated would continue to go on for six months after my competitions.

Let me break down my daily self-discussions with you (because I'm not the only one struggling, and I have had this conversation with multiple people over the last few days)
- Wake Up - Oh I feel so good
- Breakfast - Mmmm my favorite meal - let's get the day started right! Oh a latte sounds nice, but wait it has flavoring and extra calories with the soy milk and sugar, and you don't need it so just get black like always because all that extra is bad.
- Afternoon - A glass of wine or something sweet would be amazing tonight.. but it's not on the meal plan, it's not allowed, it will ruin your gains, you'll feel like crap, it's not worth it. But it would be sooo good.
- Workout - maybe I want to, maybe I don't - you'll feel better if you do, you can have that glass of wine if you do, but that glass of wine will make your workout pointless, so don't have it. Go to the gym Ryanne.
- Post-Workout - because I wouldn't skip a workout (insert eye roll) if I did skip my lift it would lead another debate about how I should be at the gym instead of at home, out with friends, or resting.
- Dinner - hmm same old chicken, sweet potatoes, and spinach. Yes, I DO LOVE THIS MEAL! But I'd rather be cooking something more fun, yet healthy and enjoying it with people I enjoy being around. I'd rather be out with a friend on a random night enjoying an adult beverage. I'd rather not force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. If I do any of those things let the internal committee begin the battle again of how I should just eat my prepped food because I won't feel like crap, I won't ruin my gains, it's what's on the plan, and I can see my friends another time.
- Next day - if I did cheat or slip up, all the comments come on hardcore - you're fat, i feel disgusting, so bloated, new pimple, red face, uncomfortable, never going to see my abs again, don't let it happen again...

Do you see a theme? Everything I do is a battle. Every time I want something off plan, meal or workout plan, my brain freaks the fuck out and the committee brings on a huge guilt trip. I'd be lying if I said that competing was worth it. Competing was an amazing experience in my life, and I am beyond thankful for what it taught me and continues to teach me. I have become increasingly self-confident as my weight has crept back up since my shows, yes a lot more of it is muscle, but even at my heaviest weight (pre-competing) I do not recall being this self-conscious.

In the seminar that I attended today I learned that my relationship with food, and my lifestyle, can be healthy. Finding balance is key, but also hard, especially when your metabolism is in this state of imbalance. The brain is also imbalanced. I know this firsthand. I know this because rationally I know that I am not fat, I know that I am not disgusting. I know that. However, the brain is an asshole and attacks at any moment of weakness. I learned that "Everything that your outside looks like is not what your insides feel like. You're telling yourself that you're much larger than you really are." Calling myself fat and bloated is re-enforcing my negative self-image. My self-talk goes from damn I feel and look good, to I'm fat and feel/look like shit. Not healthy right?

So how can it be changed? First, surrounding myself with people who have supported my journey and those that have been on the same journey as me. We all struggle with the same issues. Binge, feeling guilty, back on plan, fall off, binge, feel guilty, hop back on, swear to never fall off again, but than that jar or peanut butter and bottle of wine catches your eye at ladies night and you're off again.... I mean, I'm a 30 year old adult - if I want a glass of wine, I should be able to have one without having an 8 hour internal debate with myself over it. Right? 

My hope, for myself and others, is to turn the self-talk from negative thoughts to positive thoughts - I am strong. I am healthy. My weight does not define me. I can have a glass of wine. Moderation is key. Balance is important. I will find balance. I will be happy. I am confident.....

Remember - our thoughts are powerful. They have the ability to change the mood very quickly for worse or for better. What do you want your thoughts to be?

~ Ryanne 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Nine

Well it's definitely been a while on this one! This book was a huge life-changer for me and when the time is right, the blog is right.

Chapter Nine of Spirit Junkie was all about how the spirit can become your boyfriend! Sounds silly right? But it works.

Working towards the process of forgiveness and love. I can say that I am working my way towards feeling full forgiveness towards those that I feel have hurt me in the past. I know that I am the one that has the power over my thoughts and feelings. However, people do and say hurtful things and as an adult I am allowed to have feelings of hurt and anger. However, I do not want to hold onto those feelings forever. Negative feelings are exhausting. I am not a negative person and do not like the way that I feel, or the person I become, when I am under a negative influence.

Restoring our thoughts back to "right-mindedness" is what this chapter is about. Using your ~ing to guide you from fear, attack, judgement into a place of forgiveness and happiness. The past couple of months have been difficult for me and my family can attest to that. In the past my answer was always to run from the problem and push people out of my life solely because it was the easiest way I could get away from the hurt. Well, let's face it.. I'm 30, and as a 30 year old I shouldn't be just running away from my feelings. I am capable and knowledgeable enough to handle my feelings. Taking my own advice has helped me work through the hurt, although it will be an ongoing process. 

By building and nurturing the relationship with our ~ing we can find all the love that we need is inside of us. We must love ourselves before we can love someone else. ~ing will also provide feelings of comfort, security, loving experiences, inspiration, support and guidance, and feelings of loneliness will slowly disappear. Although I do not spend as much time in meditation as I would like, the time that I do spend has helped me to connect to my spirit. One of my goals this year is to become more connected to my inner self and to build a trustworthy relationship with myself that is full of love, security, comfort and support.

The activity for this chapter included:
1. Making a list of all of the ways in which you feel your spirit - this can be during meditation, playing an instrument, listening to music, running, walking, being around a certain person.
2. Be Mindful - Pay attention to the moments in which you feel your spirit
3. Add Water - take time to water your spirit. If you feel your spirit during yoga, make it a priority to do more yoga.

"To Heal Is To Make Happy" 

Happiness

What is happiness? What is being happy? What does being happy and happiness mean, look like, feel like, sound like? How do we find happiness in a world so full of tragedy and sadness? I came across this post on social media a while back and it got me thinking about happiness. How do I go from point A of being not happy to point B of being happy.... to leading a happy life and finding the happy parts in everything. 

Generally, I am a very optimistic person. I find the good in almost all situations, and will seek out the good if it's not waiting right there for me to grab a hold of. Generally. I have my bad days. I have points in time where I am negative, judgmental, irritable, rude, and not happy. We all do. Human being have emotions, we are meant to feel things. I feel more than others. I do not enjoy the way I feel when I am in a negative place. Not in the slightest.

 So I find the happy parts of life. I find a beautiful sunrise or sunset in the midst of an unfair life event. I go to the gym. I go for a walk with friends. I ask for someone to tell me something good when I am struggling. I spend time with one of the most amazing women in my life, My Grandmother. Nothing will turn your world around than spending time with a woman who have raised 5 kids, lost one child, and recently lost her life partner of over 50 years and still keeps a smile on her face, makes silly faces, and laughs with her whole body and heart. I find happiness. 

I won't deny that seeking out happiness is hard. There is so much negative thrown in our faces daily that it's easy to get wrapped up in it. Seeking the happy moments or one positive thing in a negative situation can turn your world around so greatly. I struggled with this early on in my competition prep. I struggled a lot with finding positive moments in my younger life. Now, I find them in every situation. Life is what you make it. Don't run on sadness or negativity. Life is too short and great to be negative. Being negative takes much more energy than being positive. Leave the world a better, happier place. Let your heart be warm with feelings of happiness. Ask for help if you need it. Look at puppy pictures, listen to a good song, or ask a friend or loved one to tell you something good. You'd be surprised at what you get and how quickly your mood can turn around! 

Be Happy

Ryanne

The Transformation

Wow. That is all I can say about these past 24 weeks. My life has been forever changed in more ways than words can ever describe. BUT here goes…

I walked into Dusty’s office with the intention that I wanted to lose weight, get healthy, and possibly compete. I left Dusty’s office an hour later knowing that I was 160lbs, 28% body fat, and stepping on stage in a tiny ass bikini on October 10^th and 17^th, 2015. Yeah, that’s real life.

My prep began in May and I was so excited. I thought I had everything in life a girl could want. I finished my undergrad in psychology, I got a job teaching yoga, I enjoyed my job at the hospital, I had a boyfriend, a roof over my head, and a good support system.

This prep though, it makes you emotional. It challenges you in ways you didn’t know you could or would ever be challenged. You are forced to learn about yourself and the other people in your life. I cried almost daily, and 90% of those tears were shed in the gym. The gym became my safe place when my world turned upside down.

Fast forward three months to August. My prep was not difficult, I actually had it easy compared to some and had very few low days. The low days though, are what get you. The bad days attack and eat you alive. August was THE WORST. In August, my boyfriend and I broke up, and very shortly after that my grandfather passed away. I had been married, divorced, and lost my father to cancer by the time I was 26 and none of that compares to this. I used to run to food and alcohol to suppress my feelings. I used food and alcohol as a way to bond and build relationships. This time, I couldn’t do that.

I showed up to multiple sessions with Dusty crying. The session after my grandfather passed will be an hour of my life that I never forget. I had lost 4 pounds in a little over a week, and was a mess. I walked through the door and Dusty took one look at me and said get in my truck we aren’t training today. We spent that hour talking about everything. Past, present, and future. Holding in the negativity wasn’t going to get anywhere. Letting it go and moving on is what needed to happen and so it did.

I was not perfect on my prep. I binge ate almond butter, I had mixed nuts when I shouldn’t have. But we’re human. Prep is hard. I learned so much about myself as a person. I have been able to forgive people in my life and let go of past hurt in order to move forward in a positive relationship. I have found a confidence and a love for myself that I didn’t know was possible. I have found who my true support system is in my family and friends. The best part is that I gained an entirely new family in the Renovation Training team, through thick and thin they have become home to me.

I stepped on stage on October 10^th and 17^th knowing that I did the best I could and that no matter what the outcome I have a life to be so proud of. This journey is my trophy, and it’s the best trophy a girl could ask for. 

Hemp Hearts - goodies and giveaway

Hey Friendsssss! Let's talk about an amazing heart and body healthy food that the entire family will love!

Manitoba Harvest  Hemp Hearts are raw shelled hemp seeds that are:

• Great tasting - Hemp Hearts have a slightly nutty taste, similar to a sunflower seed or pine nut.
• Easy to use - Simply sprinkle Hemp Hearts on salad, cereal & yogurt, add to smoothies and recipes, or eat them straight from the package!
• Nutritious - per 30 gram serving, Hemp Hearts contain 10 grams of plant-based protein and 10 grams of Omegas.
• Hemp Hearts have more protein and omegas and less carbs than the same serving of chia or flax.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE THAT!

How do I eat Hemp Hearts? Let me tell you! I eat them in my oats everyday! Basically - you can make your oats however you prefer and then sprinkle the hemp hearts on top! Personally I love oatmeal, and could eat it all day everyday without tiring of it thankfully! As you can see, I added chopped walnuts, sunflower seeds, apple, banana, almond butter, and hemp hearts to my bowl of oats on this day! 

Hemp Hearts are also great sprinkled in salads, on eggs, or mixed in with yogurt! Get creative. You can find tons of recipes on the Manitoba Harvest Recipe Page 

Now for the fun part! Enter for your chance to win your own Hemp Seeds below! Must follow participation rules and guidelines to win! 

• Follow @ManitobaHarvest on Twitter
• Follow @ManitobaHarvest on Instagram
• Tweet about the giveaway using @ManitobaHarvest #hemphearts @FitApproach #sweatpink

Giveaway restrictions: 

• Open to US and Canada residents
• One prize per winner. If your first winner has already won a prize from another SPA, please choose another. Sample disclosure language below, if you’d like to include it in your post
• You are not eligible to win other SPAs’ giveaways

One prize per person. If you win this giveaway, and have already won another prize from Manitoba Harvest through another blog, please disclose that you have already won so we can choose another winner. 

Enjoy! Winner will be announced by November 20th! 

~Ryanne

HempHearts Giveaway

Post-Competition Words

Hey friends - let's talk about post competition life - or OFF-SEASON!!!!

I competed a little over a week ago now and nicely put, this past week was rough. I never imagined that my body would change so drastically from week to week during competition prep, and then even more drastically post competition. I thought I was prepared, but I was not entirely prepared.

First, peak week is all about hydration and dehydration, and adjusting things daily, and carb loading, and not spilling over, and wine or no wine, how much potassium to take and when, did you pee enough today, did you poop yet, do you feel tighter than yesterday, do you feel tighter than this morning? And that's just the basics! 

I spent a lot of time preparing myself for what post comp life was going to be like. I also spent a lot of time mentally preparing and reminding myself that the way I look on show day is not maintainable and that it is for ONE DAY. I told myself for months leading up to the competitions that this is one day only. You will look beyond amazing and better than a majority of the population for one day, maybe two depending on how my body responded. 

Fast forward to after the show. My abs survived the immediate Saturday night binge of a greasy ass appetizer, burger, fries, pumpkin bars, chocolate pie, almond butter, apples, bananas, pumpkin spice cookie butter, a half a beer, wine, and two packages of pop tarts. I woke up Sunday morning feeling like the freaking Hulk. Sunday was all about brunch, flavored coffee (which after having black coffee for 6 months isn't as amazing as I thought it was going to be), a delicious saki bloody mary, the rest of the chocolate pie, chicken wings, more pop tarts, more almond butter, peanut butter, cookie butter, and pizza fries. I basically ate for an entire 24 hours...and I ain't even mad about it.

Monday came around, and I was ready to get back on track. I had a sugar headache and just wasn't feeling super amazing like I was used to feeling. I prepped my meals and went on with the day. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday came. I did well. Prepping my meals and just having one sweet snack during the day. I went back to the gym and was having some amazing pumps. So amazing that I was the most sore I have ever been after my lifts.

Then came Friday. I thought I could fight the urge. I tried to..but not hard enough. I went to cherry berry. WORST IDEA EVER. First off, I have a dairy intolerance..which I am aware of in the past have just prepared to suffer with the consequences. After being completely dairy free for 6 months, my body hated me. I woke up Saturday morning and thought I was dying. The pain was so intolerable I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go to work or not. Needless to say, my morning was a shit show. Saturday at work I binged... on all the cookies and goodness that I haven't been able to experience in months. For no reason, no reason at all. Purely because the sugar demons attacked and I was weak and making excuses. I had so much sugar in my body that my heart started to race and I was having hot flashes.

This morning, Sunday, I woke up feeling hungover, like I had consumed an entire case of wine. It was awful. My head hurt, my body ached, my stomach was yelling at me. I vowed to myself to start my reverse diet and to stick to it. The sugar cravings will subside again, my body will come back to its happy place, and I will feel healthier. Also, all the sugar has caused my skin to flare up and break out. NOT COOL. that is reason enough to stop the sugar.

Basically here's what I have learned one week post competition: 

1. Sugar is a drug. A wicked wicked drug. 
2. You're mind will tell you it's okay when deep down you know it's not. 
3. I eat even if I don't want to - just because it's there. 
4. Restricting food for a long time does damage on the relationship that you have with food, whether you think it will or not, it does. 
5. It takes a long time to feel hydrated after being super depleted. 
6. Food will be there tomorrow, or next week, or the next year. I don't have to eat everything right now. 
7. I am not depriving myself. This is my lifestyle.
8. My body doesn't like bad food - Food is meant to fuel my body not hurt it! 
9. I do not want to throw away the last 6 months of work that I have put in over stupid cookies. 
10. Keeping my goals in mind and visible is important. 
11. Having and USING my support system is an important part of this lifestyle and being successful! 
12. My coach knows everything - pictures and performance don't lie. He knows. Good coaches know. 

I am looking forward to a very long and successful off-season. This time will help me to grow as a person and grow my body to bring an even better package to stage in Spring 2017.

~~Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Seven

Wow it's been a while. Let's get this show back to it's scheduled programming. I have finished the book, however, I took some time to reflect on a few of the chapters and assignments. I also had to focus on myself, nourishing special relationships in my life, and my competition prep.

Chapter Seven is called "The Holy Instant" and learning how to show up for the assignment. It is said, in numerous uses, that "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." We must be ready before we can take on certain tasks and assignments.

Going through my breakup with Matt this chapter resonated with me the most. I needed to learn a lot of things about myself and my relationship with Matt was meant to teach me specific things. There came a point where I had to realized that my relationship with Matt had taught me everything I could learn at that time, and that it was no longer serving me. Once I accepted this, things began to change. Because of this, I was able to forgive him and forgive the fact that our relationship failed, but accept with gratitude and thanks the things that I learned from him and from our time together. I decided to send love and gratitude to him and to find a loving space in which I could cope with the loss.

I had surrendered all of my anger, hate, hurt, and negative emotions around this relationship. Yes, I am sad that it ended. Yes, some days are still a struggle and I miss him. Those are natural feelings, and a part of the grieving process when any human being experiences any type of loss. 

The coolest part is that when my ego starts acting up and bringing in these thoughts about my past relationship, I can acknowledge them and send them on their way in a loving manner. I have no hard feelings surrounding the breakup. In fact, I am so thankful for what it taught me and the time that we had together. By basing my thoughts on love, versus hate, I am happier and more accepting. I am more open to new experiences and relationships that have left or entered my life.

Remembering that I control my thoughts and actions is the key to my daily life. I choose how I want to respond, rather than how I want to react. When I respond, I can think about it. When I react, it's natural it just happens. Workings towards responses rather than reactions has been very helpful. I'm not perfect, sometimes I lose my shit, and I'm okay with that. I use it as a learning opportunity to further better myself. 

~Ryanne

Body Talk

Real talk y'all. I'm 19 days out. 19 FREAKING DAYS from my very first bikini bodybuilding competition. The last couple of weeks have been brutal to say the least. This journey and transformation has taught me an insane amount about myself!

 First - I have to acknowledge the woman that brought me into this world. Without her, my life would be entirely different. With her I am stronger. This journey has taught me that holding onto the past won't solve anything, if anything it makes you more resentful and more tired. Holding on to negativity is tiring and wears on you on every level. I am so grateful for my Mom and so happy that we are moving forward with our relationship. 

NOW - Let's get down to some business. The business of the body. The business of the brain. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) - is a severe, SEVERE, psychiatric diagnosis. So please take that into consideration as you venture further into this blog. 

Persons with BDD are often negatively fixated on a specific part of the body that doesn't truly have a flaw. For example, negatively focusing on acne scarring that is there but not noticeable to the general public. More often than not, sufferers of BDD will spend hours of time and lots of money thinking about and trying to correct the problem. Many people with BDD also suffer from other psychiatric illnesses like anxiety, depression, and/or OCD. 

Now you may say Ryanne - what in the hell does this have to do with weight loss, weight lifting, and body image and body transformation? Let me tell you... Here's a secret - A LOT. For some people. Let's take a looksie at my progress pictures - 

That face tho! My face has changed. Significantly. BUT some days when I look in the mirror, that chubby faced girl on the left is the one staring right back at me. And then, all day it's that face I see and that face I fixate on.  

Now the same goes for my body. That picture on the right was taken this morning 9/20/15 - I weigh 136 pounds. Unofficially, I have roughly 14% body fat. That is 44 pounds less than the picture on the right. 

The hard part is this - mornings when I wake up and feel lean I feel great all day. Other mornings when I feel bloated - instantly in my head I am the girl on the left. 180 pounds and a size 12-14. And all day, this is how I believe people see me. 

People comment on my weight loss all the time. Daily. Multiple times a day. I knew I was going to right a blog on this, so in preparation I began to pay close attention to my comments back to people. On days I don't feel so awesome and skinny, my comments are negative... "No, I don't look good." "No, I still have weight to lose." "No, I'm so bloated and fat." yeah not classy or cool. 

On days I feel good, however, I respond with positive comments and enthusiasm. "Thank you!" "Yes, I still have a few weeks to go but I feel great." way cooler and way more classy. (and people like you more when you are happy with your progress...trust me on that one. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain about how fat she is.) 

In talking with friends, who also compete and have had significant weight loss, I have found that many of them have similar feelings about BDD and what they see in the mirror. Because I'm a big proponent of research (#psychmajor) I found a great article, although not proven, on Muscle Dysmorphia, which is more directed towards bodybuilders and competitors. I definitely recommend the read if you are interested, and you can find it right here !!

A great motivator, who I admire for her strength and beauty and incredible journey, told me this when I asked her if she experiences any BDD issues "All the time. I don't know if I ever see the "real" me. I even notice when I give adjustments that I don't get in as close as I could because I think my body is way bigger than it actually is. I don't know if my brain will catch up with reality once I hit goal and I stop changing sizes? I just know I definitely see myself as bigger than I actually am... I almost always see the old me to some extent. Both. Some days I get SUPER discouraged and it makes we want to give up and eat junk food kind of as a rebellion. Some days it motivates me" ~Kitty Norton (Yoga Teacher And Beautiful Soul)

As I have mentioned in my previous post Image of Body - the brain can seriously play tricks on us. You must learn to be stronger and to trust your body and the way that you feel. Learning to listen to your body is key. Knowing that everyday will be different, and accepting that, will do wonders for your peace of mind. And let the clothes do the talking. I was wearing a size 6 forever, mainly because I'm cheap, but then bought a 4 off the rack "because no way in hell am I smaller than that." BUT they were too damn big. I went and bought a 2. They fit. I'm a flipping size 2. I haven't been that size since Kindergarten OKAY!? 

My whole point is this - TRUST IS CRITICAL. Trust your body, Learn to trust your mind, and most of all LOVE YOURSELF. Everyday tell yourself "I love you and I am beautiful." 

And if you want some basics on self-talk here you go!

Ryanne 

#BOSUStrong

5 THINGS THAT MAKE ME #BOSUStrong

Today I am embarking on a 4 week challenge with BOSU and Sweat Pink to prove to the world that I am #BOSUSTRONG. Being #BOSUSTRONG means I make fitness part of my everyday life, at home, out and about, and with my friends and family.I will squat, mountain climb, plank, push-up, lunge, bicep curl  and shoulder press my way to a stronger and more healthy body.  And I will encourage my friends and family to join me on this fun journey because we are one big, happy #FitFamily.

Being #BOSUStrong is not just about movement, sweat, or even owning a BOSU, its about being a leader, an inspiration to others, and sharing my own fitness journey with others. It’s about not letting _work and _life excuses stand in my way of sweating and getting strong! The 5 things that make me #BOSUStrong are:

My strong_arms_____________________.

My ability to__Persevere__________________.

My love for__health and wellness____________________.

My healthy __happy lifestyle___________________.

And my ____SELF - me me me _____________________.

So I want to know - are you #BOSUStrong? Copy and paste the above, fill it in and make it your own and then tag me in it and share with your friends! Let’s all be #BOSUSTRONG.

~~~ RYANNE

Image of Body

Happy Sunday Loves.... 

Shall we chat about body image and the mental mind fuck that goes on thanks to the brain? I think we shall. by definition the brain is defined as: an organ of soft nervous tissue contained in the skull of vertebrates, functioning as the coordinating center of sensation and intellectual and nervous activity. that's a pretty legit definition. 

First - a soft organ - if you've never seen/felt a brain it's pretty cool! Second, it's not pretty cool that the brain can manipulate every part of our being. 

Third - the coordinating center of sensation, intellectual, and nervous activity. Hmmm...hold on. THE COORDINATING CENTER. This is where it gets real. The brain controls all of our activity, all of our sensations, all of our everything and being. The soft, three-pound, organ is the powerhouse of everything that we are as human beings. If you want my opinion, that is ridiculously awesome and incredible!!! 

Now, onto the topic at hand. Body Image. Here is some information from NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) 

Body image is tricky. Super tricky. Basically it's the equivalent of being on a roller coaster with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, and different emotions. The most difficult part is that this is all controlled by that soft organ up in our head. 

When I first started my competition training back in May, I was confident. Confident in who I was as a person and about 60% confident with my body. Sure, I had issues with my stomach, my big ass, and my thick thighs. but overall I felt good. I had a good job, graduated college, had a boyfriend, a dog, a roof over my head and food in my belly.

I had negative body image at this point in my life. Not super thrilled with the way I looked but accepted it. I would pick at things daily and weigh myself constantly thinking I would never look any different. 

Fast forward to 20 weeks into my training and transformation and my body image has changed significantly. I should preface these next paragraphs with this: this morning, 9/6/2015, my body image was negative. 

Yesterday was my last cheat meal. I am 34 days out from my first bikini competition and yesterday was the last cheat meal. Shit is getting real. My body has changed so significantly in the past 20 weeks that my mind cannot wrap it's head around the changes. My girlfriend and I went to lunch/dinner and I ate. I ate like it was the last supper. In one word it was GLORIOUS! My girlfriend also took pictures and when I looked at the pictures I realized how much my body really has changed. 

My first thoughts were "god I'm skinny, I need to eat something." I'm in this in-between phase where my fat is breaking down and I am loose and jiggly and my skin feels papery and weird. I feel skinny. I feel too skinny. I'm hungry. I feel like I look gross. Nothing fits right. I look like a kindergartner in pants. ---- Those were all the thoughts that ran through my head. HOW EMBARRASSING. HOW SAD.... 

Left - June 2014      ------     Right - 9/5/15

How sad it is that I actually thought those terrible things about myself. Now - thankfully I am part of a great team and my coach is amazing. After talking it through with him he reminded me that I'm not skinny. I'm fit and healthy. I am strong. I am transforming. and "If people aren't talking you aren't doing it right." 

This transformation isn't easy. Right now I am 90% confident in my body and 100% confident in my person. 90% because I am a work in progress. My body will continue to evolve over these next 6 weeks and I am okay with that. This is my goal. My goal I am determined to achieve. I still pick at things and know that each day is going to be different. I am still adjusting to my new body. My eyes catch things in the mirror and my mind says "damn girl, you look good!" and some days it says "dang girl..you need some rest." It's a process. 

This process isn't for everyone else. This process is for me. This is my journey, my life, my transformation. The comments mean things are working. I know that I am fit and healthy and strong and active. I have muscles. I love the gym. I love how I look in clothes. My mind - my brain - tells me these things. My brain allows me to wake up each morning, dress myself, go to the gym to lift heavy weights, go to work, eat, sleep, breathe, and live. My soft three-pound organ lets me to all of those things. 

This is my life. My lifestyle. And it's just for me...not for anyone else. Journeys are meant to be done with a smile. Going forward, even if the struggle is real...the smile game will be on point. If you can't have fun and be happy, it won't be worth it! 

~Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Six

Chapter six....Relationships are assignments. I repeat RELATIONSHIPS ARE ASSIGNMENTS.

This chapter is about how we view and treat relationships, how we become co-dependent, how we change the person that we are to be the person that we think we should be. So tragic...that the ego actually makes us believe that we aren't cool enough or that we aren't enough without that special someone.

Props can go to the ego for making us fall into these traps. Guilt being a main trap that the ego sucks us into quite often. "Guilt is the feeling we experience as a response to the belief that we've sinned against love - it's a projection of the sadness we have for neglecting love." SAY WHAT!!!! Sinning against love - that's a thought.

"Unconsciously we believe we deserve punishment because we turned our back on love." 

Pretty deep AND pretty true. We are able to relieve our guilt by attacking others.

****The entire point of this chapter is to have the willingness to see relationships as assignments. I, you, we, have to agree to show up for whatever comes our way. Be willing to grow, be open to new experiences, BE OPEN TO THE UNIVERSE BRINGING IN SOMEONE THAT YOU NEVER EXPECTED.

Siding with the ~ing is the best part. Asking for help and being open to help. 

The assignment for this chapter was a meditation followed by a free-writing experiment on "How have I projected my fear onto others?" - In short, I use feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness as a reason for fighting and I use defense mechanisms to block and shut out the people in my life in order to protect myself. I talk negatively to myself and about myself to others.

The next, and most important step, is to SHOW UP. Recognize the assignment and show up for it. By seeing love in the face of another person you know the true meaning of oneness. 

Lastly, "when you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself. 

~Ryanne

Transformation Thinkings

Well where to begin. I feel like life is hurling bricks at me non-stop for the past few weeks. BUT I won't be knocked down. I may get hurt but I won't be broken. As I think about this journey and all that I've accomplished I realize that it's becoming more spiritual than anything else. 

Things I am willing to admit: I am learning how to find myself. I am 30. I am single...again. I have no children and am okay with that. I have daddy issues. I have mommy issues. I am 30. I have a good job that pays the bills and supports my lifestyle. I have the best group of friends around. I. Have a support system. I am learning. Always learning. 

Learning is important. Without it we cannot grow. Without growth we become stagnant. Then we end up like a mosquito and annoy the shit out of ourself and others! I'm learning that I need to set my goals and keep my focus on them. I am learning that who I am today is NOT the same person I was last month, and definitely not the same person I was 6 months ago. 

Six months ago I was finishing up my undergraduate degree, starting a new job, moving in with my boyfriend, thought I was happy but all I wanted to do was runaway from life and move back to Georgia. Runaway from life...... If you're confused just know that is not a good place to be. 

Today I am not in college, not starting a new job, single and moved out of my ex-boyfriends, and emotionally drained but I'm happy. I have no desire to runaway anymore. Minnesota is my home. Georgia was my escape. After much effort in my relationship and numerous attempts at trying to make something work, he brought to my attention that we have gotten each other this far and we need to accept that this is where it ends. We've both grown and made progress together and now it's time to do it apart. He will always have a special place in my heart. 

Today I am 21 pounds lighter than I was in May. I am strong. Physically, mentally, and emotionally strong. I am turning my spiritual weakness into a strength and finding out who I am really am as a person. As an individual I want to be confident and strong in all aspects. I want an unwavering faith in who I am and what I want out life. I have an idea but I know it's always a work in progress. 

As the next six weeks come around I can only imagine how much more I will learn about myself. Through reading, yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging, and my competition prep my life is just getting on the right tracks towards a life of happiness that I am creating!! 

As my tattoo says "I am the designer of my own catastrophe!" And I fully intend to keep it that way. 

Just know, life is hard. Shit fucking sucks. You can't be prepared for what life is going to throw at you. You can take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and make a decision about how you want to react and create your outcome. I don't wake up everyday jacked on life. Most days I want to throw my alarm all the way to Japan, but I don't. Life doesn't stop because shitty stuff happens. If anything, it gets more chaotic and busy and stressful. So you, YEAH YOU, get up out of bed, take a moment to acknowledge that you get to take in oxygen for another day, harvest feelings of gratitude towards yourself and the life that you have, get some coffee, put on your stretchy pants and go to the gym, or journal, or meditate.....do what makes you happy and what will set your day off to a great start. Put on a little lipstick..for you NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE! Do you. Make yourself happy. Shine your light bright. And know this.. People will judge, they always do, but that is their insecurities and jealousy shining through and it is not a reflection of you as a person. 

~Ryanne 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Four

In continuing with the Spirit Junkie journey... Chapter four is all about asking for help. 

This chapter talks about denial and how we often trick ourselves into thinking that we are not good enough in certain or all areas of our life and that we often seek out ways to define ourself. There is often a looming little thought that we are not enough, or just not good enough. Not good enough to be in a successful relationship, not good enough professionally, not good enough to be whatever it is that you struggle with. Therefore, we find new ways to define who we are. If we struggle with relationships we pursue business or other outlets that we can become successful at. 

For me, I struggle with relationships. Due to this struggle, I find ways to make myself busy and to become good at things. Going back to school was a big one for me. I needed to prove that I was good enough to get my undergraduate degree. Good enough to make it in the field of psychology. (Which I'm still progressing towards...but graduate degrees are expensive and serious time commitments). 

The real progress is made when we ask for help. When we take it upon ourself to ask ourself for help. As hard as that may be, it's a freeing experience. When I first started this book I had already begun to ask for help in forgiveness. I need help forgiving the people that I feel have hurt me in any way. Listening to my inner guide/spirit (~ing) is what it all comes down to. As the book says "The soul purpose of our ~ing is to guide our thoughts back to love." I need to awaken my inner guide and trust her and trust that she will guide me towards forgiveness and love. HELL NO, it won't happen overnight but it will happen. Our ~ing does not judge the process and is patient with us. The key point is remembering to listen to her. 

In surrendering to our ~ing there are three steps: 

1. Gently surrender 

2. Ask for help - through the use of prayer, journaling, or internal dialogue. Find what works best for you. 

3. Wait patiently for a response - this can be in the form of intuition, an inner voice, or an external message. 

Now now now - yeah I know what you're thinking, "you want me to be patient?!?! BUT I've surrendered and asked...." Trust me and trust yourself. Just wait and be patient. Remember good things come to those who wait.  

Thigh Gap

So... I have a thigh gap. I've never had a thigh gap - well at least not in the last 5-7 years. I probably did in junior high. Possibly in high school, but likely only for freshman year. During this prep I have seen some incredible changes in my body. Muscle definition being one. Clothes fit better, and I feel better - more confident, more sexy, more happy with my physical appearance.

However, this thigh gap (which undoubtedly will get wider as the next 11 weeks progress) has left me with mixed emotions. When the thigh gap hit its peak, I did not have a thigh gap. I found it entirely impossible to get a thigh gap. Actually, I didn't even want to strive for a thigh gap. The hype around it was so ridiculous - people salivating over this space between the legs like it was something holy, others hating on it with body shaming, eating disorder comments, and just all around negativity and nastiness.

My feelings are this: I have a thigh gap. I own that now. My shorts don't ride up with I walk, my thighs don't rub together in my swim suit... they don't touch unless I make them. Not going to lie - it's nice. However, my thigh gap has come with a lot of sweat, tears, soreness, good days, bad days, all around shitty days, lots of protein, lack of sleep, lack of sugar and fat and low calorie intake during my cutting phase of prep. My thigh gap was earned. I earned this. I worked my ass off for this. This change in my body makes me proud. This gap also makes me a bit wavered in my womanhood, as thighs are a sign of a healthy woman who can bear children.

This gap does not define me, it is not who I am. I have a thigh gap - so effing what. I also have biceps and boobs, an education, and a brain that is always seeking to learn something new and to become better. That is who I am, not some silly thigh-gap.

- Ryanne

Competition Thoughts Part 2

Hey Friends... it's Friday. And a glorious Friday at that! Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush here.. I'm exhausted. On all levels. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically. I'm trying to pick myself up throughout the day and not let the exhaustion tear me down into a negative pit of energy zapping grossness, but it's a struggle. Thankfully some smart smart person invented coffee. 

About two weeks ago my meal plan changed on my prep. Along with a new workout plan, but more in that after this. The meal plan changed up my carbs, added a lot more protein, and took away some fats. For almost a little over a week now, I have been powering through some serious digestive issues, and all things aside, it hasn't been fun at all. The negative impact of a constant upset stomach and bloating is starting to take its toll. My sleep has been disrupted and it's also starting to impact my workouts and my stamina during my workouts. I'm hopeful that my body is just adjusting to the changes in the plan, and it isn't something more serious. (Don't worry, I will seek medical attention when I see fit, I'm not trying to tear my stomach apart with this)

My workouts - holy hell.... fasted cardio for 55 minutes. Enough said on that one. Someone bring me a coffee IV to hook up every day please. Lifts - increase in sets and reps. I'm rocking this new workout plan, finding what works and what doesn't. Even with my current tummy troubles I know I need to focus on the outcome and my goals! If I have to rest a little longer in between sets so be it. 

Some exciting news - I picked out my suit fabric and accessories. Oh, it is sooooo pretty and completely not what I had in mind as something that I would have chosen. Always surprising myself I suppose. I'm also keeping it a secret so the big reveal will be made on show day! 

Enjoy your Friday people of the universe. Stay Positive and get some coffee for you and me! 

~~ Ryanne

Competition Thoughts

Happy Friday Friends!

As of tomorrow I am 17 weeks out from my very first and 18 weeks out from my second Bikini Competition. Emotional is an understatement. I have no idea what to feel, how to feel, when to feel, where to feel... 17 weeks left. It feels like yesterday that I just started on this journey to find the best me (it's been 9 weeks) and I can say that so far I have learned to so much about myself and my body.

Mentally, I am becoming stronger. Able to resist the temptations and push myself harder than I thought I would be able to in the Gym. I have found that my ability to give up alcohol has been one of the easier things. Even though I love craft beer and exploring breweries is something my boyfriend and I enjoy doing together, this journey is more important right now. I'm thankful that he understands that and we both know this is temporary. I'm not saying I look forward to getting all white-girl after my competitions, but I definitely look forward to the day I can enjoy a beer with my burger and a glass of wine in the bathtub! Ya feel me?!

Physically, I can see so many changes in my body. Muscles growing, fat slowly shrinking. My back and shoulders showing definition. My quads are starting to form and pop. My hamstring muscles are replacing the fat dimples on the back of my legs. My biceps are growing big like Arnold. And my obliques and hips are starting to come out of hibernation under layers and layers of fat. My face in noticeably slimmer, less irritated, less red and blotchy, and less acne and random breakouts.

Emotionally, I'm starting to become more self-aware. What food makes me feel. How food makes my body feel. How good workouts wear me out in the best possible way and make me tired, and how a bad workout can send me into a negative state of mind for a while and make me want to quit for the day. My emotional state is up and down - primarily up and positive and happy. However, during the first few days of my meal and workout plan change it's rough. My body adapts for 4 weeks and just when the groove is there it switches. This last change provided me with an insight into food jealousy and anger towards other people eating foods that I don't even really care for or wouldn't eat normally. BUT because I can't have them and they can I was mad and jealous. These thoughts and feelings passed, thankfully.

Look for a future posting about food. Oh food, how I love thee!

This process is not even half way over at this point and I am so excited to continue on. The journey is completely amazing, inspiring, life-changing, and a roller coaster ride like no other. This journey is what you make it. My goal through this is remain positive throughout the process and especially after the shows! More on post-show goals later though. Right now, we focus on today. We focus on goals for today, plans for today, meals and workouts for today. We focus on the now. The now that you create.

Be Happy. Be Healthy. Be Humble.

~Ryanne

Connected with Nature

As it's been made aware, by me, I find Minnesota very difficult to call "home." This state has never been where I see myself in the future, where I want to raise a family, or really where I feel most comfortable.

There are few moments, times, days, when the feeling of home surprises me. The feeling of I belong here, a feeling of easiness, a feeling of this could be right. Today that happened.

The weather was gorgeous, almost picturesque if you will for an early Summer day in Minnesota, and I decided to ride by bicycle to the gym for my weekly session with my competition coach/trainer. My bike ride to my normal gym is about 15 minutes and 3 miles (totally acceptable)!!!

This ride was 11 miles one way. Happily, it was the most tranquil 11 miles of my 2015 happened on that bike today. I felt so connected to nature, to myself, to my state, and to my current place in time and to my current place in life in Minnesota. Feelings like that sort of shock me into some blissful state of mind, not only because I love the feeling of home, but I love that sense of peacefulness and knowing that for this moment things are right where they are supposed to be. So for now, I will be content in my quest for getting home and peacefulness. I know where I feel at home, and that the right day will come when I will make it there.

~~Ryanne

Body Image and Confidence

This lesson is such an important one to remember. Confidence is key not 

matter what your current health situation. Love yourself and your body 

and realize that you must be consistent and do what works best for you to

be the best you! I asked my coach Dusty Olson today about post show 

depression and he enlightened me on post show care and being realistic. 

I'm so thankful that he's honest and that he respects his competitors to 

the point of brutal honesty. I'm thankful and blessed to be a part of 

the ‪#‎teamUMC‬ Family. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows but it 

can pretty damn good if you love yourself, have confidence, and a passion 

for what makes you feel confident and happy! One day at a time and trust 

the process!