The Transformation

Wow. That is all I can say about these past 24 weeks. My life has been forever changed in more ways than words can ever describe. BUT here goes…

I walked into Dusty’s office with the intention that I wanted to lose weight, get healthy, and possibly compete. I left Dusty’s office an hour later knowing that I was 160lbs, 28% body fat, and stepping on stage in a tiny ass bikini on October 10^th and 17^th, 2015. Yeah, that’s real life.

My prep began in May and I was so excited. I thought I had everything in life a girl could want. I finished my undergrad in psychology, I got a job teaching yoga, I enjoyed my job at the hospital, I had a boyfriend, a roof over my head, and a good support system.

This prep though, it makes you emotional. It challenges you in ways you didn’t know you could or would ever be challenged. You are forced to learn about yourself and the other people in your life. I cried almost daily, and 90% of those tears were shed in the gym. The gym became my safe place when my world turned upside down.

Fast forward three months to August. My prep was not difficult, I actually had it easy compared to some and had very few low days. The low days though, are what get you. The bad days attack and eat you alive. August was THE WORST. In August, my boyfriend and I broke up, and very shortly after that my grandfather passed away. I had been married, divorced, and lost my father to cancer by the time I was 26 and none of that compares to this. I used to run to food and alcohol to suppress my feelings. I used food and alcohol as a way to bond and build relationships. This time, I couldn’t do that.

I showed up to multiple sessions with Dusty crying. The session after my grandfather passed will be an hour of my life that I never forget. I had lost 4 pounds in a little over a week, and was a mess. I walked through the door and Dusty took one look at me and said get in my truck we aren’t training today. We spent that hour talking about everything. Past, present, and future. Holding in the negativity wasn’t going to get anywhere. Letting it go and moving on is what needed to happen and so it did.

I was not perfect on my prep. I binge ate almond butter, I had mixed nuts when I shouldn’t have. But we’re human. Prep is hard. I learned so much about myself as a person. I have been able to forgive people in my life and let go of past hurt in order to move forward in a positive relationship. I have found a confidence and a love for myself that I didn’t know was possible. I have found who my true support system is in my family and friends. The best part is that I gained an entirely new family in the Renovation Training team, through thick and thin they have become home to me.

I stepped on stage on October 10^th and 17^th knowing that I did the best I could and that no matter what the outcome I have a life to be so proud of. This journey is my trophy, and it’s the best trophy a girl could ask for. 

Post-Competition Words

Hey friends - let's talk about post competition life - or OFF-SEASON!!!!

I competed a little over a week ago now and nicely put, this past week was rough. I never imagined that my body would change so drastically from week to week during competition prep, and then even more drastically post competition. I thought I was prepared, but I was not entirely prepared.

First, peak week is all about hydration and dehydration, and adjusting things daily, and carb loading, and not spilling over, and wine or no wine, how much potassium to take and when, did you pee enough today, did you poop yet, do you feel tighter than yesterday, do you feel tighter than this morning? And that's just the basics! 

I spent a lot of time preparing myself for what post comp life was going to be like. I also spent a lot of time mentally preparing and reminding myself that the way I look on show day is not maintainable and that it is for ONE DAY. I told myself for months leading up to the competitions that this is one day only. You will look beyond amazing and better than a majority of the population for one day, maybe two depending on how my body responded. 

Fast forward to after the show. My abs survived the immediate Saturday night binge of a greasy ass appetizer, burger, fries, pumpkin bars, chocolate pie, almond butter, apples, bananas, pumpkin spice cookie butter, a half a beer, wine, and two packages of pop tarts. I woke up Sunday morning feeling like the freaking Hulk. Sunday was all about brunch, flavored coffee (which after having black coffee for 6 months isn't as amazing as I thought it was going to be), a delicious saki bloody mary, the rest of the chocolate pie, chicken wings, more pop tarts, more almond butter, peanut butter, cookie butter, and pizza fries. I basically ate for an entire 24 hours...and I ain't even mad about it.

Monday came around, and I was ready to get back on track. I had a sugar headache and just wasn't feeling super amazing like I was used to feeling. I prepped my meals and went on with the day. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday came. I did well. Prepping my meals and just having one sweet snack during the day. I went back to the gym and was having some amazing pumps. So amazing that I was the most sore I have ever been after my lifts.

Then came Friday. I thought I could fight the urge. I tried to..but not hard enough. I went to cherry berry. WORST IDEA EVER. First off, I have a dairy intolerance..which I am aware of in the past have just prepared to suffer with the consequences. After being completely dairy free for 6 months, my body hated me. I woke up Saturday morning and thought I was dying. The pain was so intolerable I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go to work or not. Needless to say, my morning was a shit show. Saturday at work I binged... on all the cookies and goodness that I haven't been able to experience in months. For no reason, no reason at all. Purely because the sugar demons attacked and I was weak and making excuses. I had so much sugar in my body that my heart started to race and I was having hot flashes.

This morning, Sunday, I woke up feeling hungover, like I had consumed an entire case of wine. It was awful. My head hurt, my body ached, my stomach was yelling at me. I vowed to myself to start my reverse diet and to stick to it. The sugar cravings will subside again, my body will come back to its happy place, and I will feel healthier. Also, all the sugar has caused my skin to flare up and break out. NOT COOL. that is reason enough to stop the sugar.

Basically here's what I have learned one week post competition: 

1. Sugar is a drug. A wicked wicked drug. 
2. You're mind will tell you it's okay when deep down you know it's not. 
3. I eat even if I don't want to - just because it's there. 
4. Restricting food for a long time does damage on the relationship that you have with food, whether you think it will or not, it does. 
5. It takes a long time to feel hydrated after being super depleted. 
6. Food will be there tomorrow, or next week, or the next year. I don't have to eat everything right now. 
7. I am not depriving myself. This is my lifestyle.
8. My body doesn't like bad food - Food is meant to fuel my body not hurt it! 
9. I do not want to throw away the last 6 months of work that I have put in over stupid cookies. 
10. Keeping my goals in mind and visible is important. 
11. Having and USING my support system is an important part of this lifestyle and being successful! 
12. My coach knows everything - pictures and performance don't lie. He knows. Good coaches know. 

I am looking forward to a very long and successful off-season. This time will help me to grow as a person and grow my body to bring an even better package to stage in Spring 2017.

~~Ryanne

Body Talk

Real talk y'all. I'm 19 days out. 19 FREAKING DAYS from my very first bikini bodybuilding competition. The last couple of weeks have been brutal to say the least. This journey and transformation has taught me an insane amount about myself!

 First - I have to acknowledge the woman that brought me into this world. Without her, my life would be entirely different. With her I am stronger. This journey has taught me that holding onto the past won't solve anything, if anything it makes you more resentful and more tired. Holding on to negativity is tiring and wears on you on every level. I am so grateful for my Mom and so happy that we are moving forward with our relationship. 

NOW - Let's get down to some business. The business of the body. The business of the brain. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) - is a severe, SEVERE, psychiatric diagnosis. So please take that into consideration as you venture further into this blog. 

Persons with BDD are often negatively fixated on a specific part of the body that doesn't truly have a flaw. For example, negatively focusing on acne scarring that is there but not noticeable to the general public. More often than not, sufferers of BDD will spend hours of time and lots of money thinking about and trying to correct the problem. Many people with BDD also suffer from other psychiatric illnesses like anxiety, depression, and/or OCD. 

Now you may say Ryanne - what in the hell does this have to do with weight loss, weight lifting, and body image and body transformation? Let me tell you... Here's a secret - A LOT. For some people. Let's take a looksie at my progress pictures - 

That face tho! My face has changed. Significantly. BUT some days when I look in the mirror, that chubby faced girl on the left is the one staring right back at me. And then, all day it's that face I see and that face I fixate on.  

Now the same goes for my body. That picture on the right was taken this morning 9/20/15 - I weigh 136 pounds. Unofficially, I have roughly 14% body fat. That is 44 pounds less than the picture on the right. 

The hard part is this - mornings when I wake up and feel lean I feel great all day. Other mornings when I feel bloated - instantly in my head I am the girl on the left. 180 pounds and a size 12-14. And all day, this is how I believe people see me. 

People comment on my weight loss all the time. Daily. Multiple times a day. I knew I was going to right a blog on this, so in preparation I began to pay close attention to my comments back to people. On days I don't feel so awesome and skinny, my comments are negative... "No, I don't look good." "No, I still have weight to lose." "No, I'm so bloated and fat." yeah not classy or cool. 

On days I feel good, however, I respond with positive comments and enthusiasm. "Thank you!" "Yes, I still have a few weeks to go but I feel great." way cooler and way more classy. (and people like you more when you are happy with your progress...trust me on that one. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain about how fat she is.) 

In talking with friends, who also compete and have had significant weight loss, I have found that many of them have similar feelings about BDD and what they see in the mirror. Because I'm a big proponent of research (#psychmajor) I found a great article, although not proven, on Muscle Dysmorphia, which is more directed towards bodybuilders and competitors. I definitely recommend the read if you are interested, and you can find it right here !!

A great motivator, who I admire for her strength and beauty and incredible journey, told me this when I asked her if she experiences any BDD issues "All the time. I don't know if I ever see the "real" me. I even notice when I give adjustments that I don't get in as close as I could because I think my body is way bigger than it actually is. I don't know if my brain will catch up with reality once I hit goal and I stop changing sizes? I just know I definitely see myself as bigger than I actually am... I almost always see the old me to some extent. Both. Some days I get SUPER discouraged and it makes we want to give up and eat junk food kind of as a rebellion. Some days it motivates me" ~Kitty Norton (Yoga Teacher And Beautiful Soul)

As I have mentioned in my previous post Image of Body - the brain can seriously play tricks on us. You must learn to be stronger and to trust your body and the way that you feel. Learning to listen to your body is key. Knowing that everyday will be different, and accepting that, will do wonders for your peace of mind. And let the clothes do the talking. I was wearing a size 6 forever, mainly because I'm cheap, but then bought a 4 off the rack "because no way in hell am I smaller than that." BUT they were too damn big. I went and bought a 2. They fit. I'm a flipping size 2. I haven't been that size since Kindergarten OKAY!? 

My whole point is this - TRUST IS CRITICAL. Trust your body, Learn to trust your mind, and most of all LOVE YOURSELF. Everyday tell yourself "I love you and I am beautiful." 

And if you want some basics on self-talk here you go!

Ryanne 

Image of Body

Happy Sunday Loves.... 

Shall we chat about body image and the mental mind fuck that goes on thanks to the brain? I think we shall. by definition the brain is defined as: an organ of soft nervous tissue contained in the skull of vertebrates, functioning as the coordinating center of sensation and intellectual and nervous activity. that's a pretty legit definition. 

First - a soft organ - if you've never seen/felt a brain it's pretty cool! Second, it's not pretty cool that the brain can manipulate every part of our being. 

Third - the coordinating center of sensation, intellectual, and nervous activity. Hmmm...hold on. THE COORDINATING CENTER. This is where it gets real. The brain controls all of our activity, all of our sensations, all of our everything and being. The soft, three-pound, organ is the powerhouse of everything that we are as human beings. If you want my opinion, that is ridiculously awesome and incredible!!! 

Now, onto the topic at hand. Body Image. Here is some information from NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) 

Body image is tricky. Super tricky. Basically it's the equivalent of being on a roller coaster with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, and different emotions. The most difficult part is that this is all controlled by that soft organ up in our head. 

When I first started my competition training back in May, I was confident. Confident in who I was as a person and about 60% confident with my body. Sure, I had issues with my stomach, my big ass, and my thick thighs. but overall I felt good. I had a good job, graduated college, had a boyfriend, a dog, a roof over my head and food in my belly.

I had negative body image at this point in my life. Not super thrilled with the way I looked but accepted it. I would pick at things daily and weigh myself constantly thinking I would never look any different. 

Fast forward to 20 weeks into my training and transformation and my body image has changed significantly. I should preface these next paragraphs with this: this morning, 9/6/2015, my body image was negative. 

Yesterday was my last cheat meal. I am 34 days out from my first bikini competition and yesterday was the last cheat meal. Shit is getting real. My body has changed so significantly in the past 20 weeks that my mind cannot wrap it's head around the changes. My girlfriend and I went to lunch/dinner and I ate. I ate like it was the last supper. In one word it was GLORIOUS! My girlfriend also took pictures and when I looked at the pictures I realized how much my body really has changed. 

My first thoughts were "god I'm skinny, I need to eat something." I'm in this in-between phase where my fat is breaking down and I am loose and jiggly and my skin feels papery and weird. I feel skinny. I feel too skinny. I'm hungry. I feel like I look gross. Nothing fits right. I look like a kindergartner in pants. ---- Those were all the thoughts that ran through my head. HOW EMBARRASSING. HOW SAD.... 

Left - June 2014      ------     Right - 9/5/15

How sad it is that I actually thought those terrible things about myself. Now - thankfully I am part of a great team and my coach is amazing. After talking it through with him he reminded me that I'm not skinny. I'm fit and healthy. I am strong. I am transforming. and "If people aren't talking you aren't doing it right." 

This transformation isn't easy. Right now I am 90% confident in my body and 100% confident in my person. 90% because I am a work in progress. My body will continue to evolve over these next 6 weeks and I am okay with that. This is my goal. My goal I am determined to achieve. I still pick at things and know that each day is going to be different. I am still adjusting to my new body. My eyes catch things in the mirror and my mind says "damn girl, you look good!" and some days it says "dang girl..you need some rest." It's a process. 

This process isn't for everyone else. This process is for me. This is my journey, my life, my transformation. The comments mean things are working. I know that I am fit and healthy and strong and active. I have muscles. I love the gym. I love how I look in clothes. My mind - my brain - tells me these things. My brain allows me to wake up each morning, dress myself, go to the gym to lift heavy weights, go to work, eat, sleep, breathe, and live. My soft three-pound organ lets me to all of those things. 

This is my life. My lifestyle. And it's just for me...not for anyone else. Journeys are meant to be done with a smile. Going forward, even if the struggle is real...the smile game will be on point. If you can't have fun and be happy, it won't be worth it! 

~Ryanne

Thigh Gap

So... I have a thigh gap. I've never had a thigh gap - well at least not in the last 5-7 years. I probably did in junior high. Possibly in high school, but likely only for freshman year. During this prep I have seen some incredible changes in my body. Muscle definition being one. Clothes fit better, and I feel better - more confident, more sexy, more happy with my physical appearance.

However, this thigh gap (which undoubtedly will get wider as the next 11 weeks progress) has left me with mixed emotions. When the thigh gap hit its peak, I did not have a thigh gap. I found it entirely impossible to get a thigh gap. Actually, I didn't even want to strive for a thigh gap. The hype around it was so ridiculous - people salivating over this space between the legs like it was something holy, others hating on it with body shaming, eating disorder comments, and just all around negativity and nastiness.

My feelings are this: I have a thigh gap. I own that now. My shorts don't ride up with I walk, my thighs don't rub together in my swim suit... they don't touch unless I make them. Not going to lie - it's nice. However, my thigh gap has come with a lot of sweat, tears, soreness, good days, bad days, all around shitty days, lots of protein, lack of sleep, lack of sugar and fat and low calorie intake during my cutting phase of prep. My thigh gap was earned. I earned this. I worked my ass off for this. This change in my body makes me proud. This gap also makes me a bit wavered in my womanhood, as thighs are a sign of a healthy woman who can bear children.

This gap does not define me, it is not who I am. I have a thigh gap - so effing what. I also have biceps and boobs, an education, and a brain that is always seeking to learn something new and to become better. That is who I am, not some silly thigh-gap.

- Ryanne

Competition Thoughts Part 2

Hey Friends... it's Friday. And a glorious Friday at that! Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush here.. I'm exhausted. On all levels. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically. I'm trying to pick myself up throughout the day and not let the exhaustion tear me down into a negative pit of energy zapping grossness, but it's a struggle. Thankfully some smart smart person invented coffee. 

About two weeks ago my meal plan changed on my prep. Along with a new workout plan, but more in that after this. The meal plan changed up my carbs, added a lot more protein, and took away some fats. For almost a little over a week now, I have been powering through some serious digestive issues, and all things aside, it hasn't been fun at all. The negative impact of a constant upset stomach and bloating is starting to take its toll. My sleep has been disrupted and it's also starting to impact my workouts and my stamina during my workouts. I'm hopeful that my body is just adjusting to the changes in the plan, and it isn't something more serious. (Don't worry, I will seek medical attention when I see fit, I'm not trying to tear my stomach apart with this)

My workouts - holy hell.... fasted cardio for 55 minutes. Enough said on that one. Someone bring me a coffee IV to hook up every day please. Lifts - increase in sets and reps. I'm rocking this new workout plan, finding what works and what doesn't. Even with my current tummy troubles I know I need to focus on the outcome and my goals! If I have to rest a little longer in between sets so be it. 

Some exciting news - I picked out my suit fabric and accessories. Oh, it is sooooo pretty and completely not what I had in mind as something that I would have chosen. Always surprising myself I suppose. I'm also keeping it a secret so the big reveal will be made on show day! 

Enjoy your Friday people of the universe. Stay Positive and get some coffee for you and me! 

~~ Ryanne

Competition Thoughts

Happy Friday Friends!

As of tomorrow I am 17 weeks out from my very first and 18 weeks out from my second Bikini Competition. Emotional is an understatement. I have no idea what to feel, how to feel, when to feel, where to feel... 17 weeks left. It feels like yesterday that I just started on this journey to find the best me (it's been 9 weeks) and I can say that so far I have learned to so much about myself and my body.

Mentally, I am becoming stronger. Able to resist the temptations and push myself harder than I thought I would be able to in the Gym. I have found that my ability to give up alcohol has been one of the easier things. Even though I love craft beer and exploring breweries is something my boyfriend and I enjoy doing together, this journey is more important right now. I'm thankful that he understands that and we both know this is temporary. I'm not saying I look forward to getting all white-girl after my competitions, but I definitely look forward to the day I can enjoy a beer with my burger and a glass of wine in the bathtub! Ya feel me?!

Physically, I can see so many changes in my body. Muscles growing, fat slowly shrinking. My back and shoulders showing definition. My quads are starting to form and pop. My hamstring muscles are replacing the fat dimples on the back of my legs. My biceps are growing big like Arnold. And my obliques and hips are starting to come out of hibernation under layers and layers of fat. My face in noticeably slimmer, less irritated, less red and blotchy, and less acne and random breakouts.

Emotionally, I'm starting to become more self-aware. What food makes me feel. How food makes my body feel. How good workouts wear me out in the best possible way and make me tired, and how a bad workout can send me into a negative state of mind for a while and make me want to quit for the day. My emotional state is up and down - primarily up and positive and happy. However, during the first few days of my meal and workout plan change it's rough. My body adapts for 4 weeks and just when the groove is there it switches. This last change provided me with an insight into food jealousy and anger towards other people eating foods that I don't even really care for or wouldn't eat normally. BUT because I can't have them and they can I was mad and jealous. These thoughts and feelings passed, thankfully.

Look for a future posting about food. Oh food, how I love thee!

This process is not even half way over at this point and I am so excited to continue on. The journey is completely amazing, inspiring, life-changing, and a roller coaster ride like no other. This journey is what you make it. My goal through this is remain positive throughout the process and especially after the shows! More on post-show goals later though. Right now, we focus on today. We focus on goals for today, plans for today, meals and workouts for today. We focus on the now. The now that you create.

Be Happy. Be Healthy. Be Humble.

~Ryanne

Body Image and Confidence

This lesson is such an important one to remember. Confidence is key not 

matter what your current health situation. Love yourself and your body 

and realize that you must be consistent and do what works best for you to

be the best you! I asked my coach Dusty Olson today about post show 

depression and he enlightened me on post show care and being realistic. 

I'm so thankful that he's honest and that he respects his competitors to 

the point of brutal honesty. I'm thankful and blessed to be a part of 

the ‪#‎teamUMC‬ Family. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows but it 

can pretty damn good if you love yourself, have confidence, and a passion 

for what makes you feel confident and happy! One day at a time and trust 

the process!

So it begins

So this is the beginning. I've made the leap and found the courage to do something I have thought about for years. My fitness journey has been a roller coaster to say the least but I've finally decided that is not just a fleeting period of time....this is a LIFESTYLE!

In yoga there is a saying that says "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." I have already found my yoga teacher and couldn't be more thrilled to have my 200 hour RYT certification. Shortly after my certification my second teacher, and now coach/trainer, appeared.

My lifestyle changes have led me to a great and empowering human. He is going to coach me and guide me for the next six months on how to bring the best me onto the stage and you best believe we bringing sexy back 💃🏼. 

Now this journey and change is not going to be easy. Not at all. This journey is going to be hard as hell and fun as hell all at once. I'm so intrigued and curious to find out what my body can handle physically and to learn what I can handle emotionally and mentally. The mind is a dirty trickster and I'm not about to let my mind defeat me and steer me away from my goals.  

So join me on this ride as I make my dreams come true! 

💪🏼👙 Ryanne ✌🏼️