Body versus Brain

The past six months have been an interesting six months to say the least. For one, I am six months post bikini competitor life and have jumped headfirst into training for my first figure competitions in Spring 2017. Second, I have developed an unhealthy healthy relationship with my food and diet. Let me explain...

Today I attended a seminar on eating disorders and had so many moments of "holy hell, that's me" and "damnit, it shouldn't be this difficult." I would not classify myself as someone who has an eating disorder. However, I am beginning to realize that I have an addiction, an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. To me, this is terrifying. This is never something I anticipated would continue to go on for six months after my competitions.

Let me break down my daily self-discussions with you (because I'm not the only one struggling, and I have had this conversation with multiple people over the last few days)
- Wake Up - Oh I feel so good
- Breakfast - Mmmm my favorite meal - let's get the day started right! Oh a latte sounds nice, but wait it has flavoring and extra calories with the soy milk and sugar, and you don't need it so just get black like always because all that extra is bad.
- Afternoon - A glass of wine or something sweet would be amazing tonight.. but it's not on the meal plan, it's not allowed, it will ruin your gains, you'll feel like crap, it's not worth it. But it would be sooo good.
- Workout - maybe I want to, maybe I don't - you'll feel better if you do, you can have that glass of wine if you do, but that glass of wine will make your workout pointless, so don't have it. Go to the gym Ryanne.
- Post-Workout - because I wouldn't skip a workout (insert eye roll) if I did skip my lift it would lead another debate about how I should be at the gym instead of at home, out with friends, or resting.
- Dinner - hmm same old chicken, sweet potatoes, and spinach. Yes, I DO LOVE THIS MEAL! But I'd rather be cooking something more fun, yet healthy and enjoying it with people I enjoy being around. I'd rather be out with a friend on a random night enjoying an adult beverage. I'd rather not force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. If I do any of those things let the internal committee begin the battle again of how I should just eat my prepped food because I won't feel like crap, I won't ruin my gains, it's what's on the plan, and I can see my friends another time.
- Next day - if I did cheat or slip up, all the comments come on hardcore - you're fat, i feel disgusting, so bloated, new pimple, red face, uncomfortable, never going to see my abs again, don't let it happen again...

Do you see a theme? Everything I do is a battle. Every time I want something off plan, meal or workout plan, my brain freaks the fuck out and the committee brings on a huge guilt trip. I'd be lying if I said that competing was worth it. Competing was an amazing experience in my life, and I am beyond thankful for what it taught me and continues to teach me. I have become increasingly self-confident as my weight has crept back up since my shows, yes a lot more of it is muscle, but even at my heaviest weight (pre-competing) I do not recall being this self-conscious.

In the seminar that I attended today I learned that my relationship with food, and my lifestyle, can be healthy. Finding balance is key, but also hard, especially when your metabolism is in this state of imbalance. The brain is also imbalanced. I know this firsthand. I know this because rationally I know that I am not fat, I know that I am not disgusting. I know that. However, the brain is an asshole and attacks at any moment of weakness. I learned that "Everything that your outside looks like is not what your insides feel like. You're telling yourself that you're much larger than you really are." Calling myself fat and bloated is re-enforcing my negative self-image. My self-talk goes from damn I feel and look good, to I'm fat and feel/look like shit. Not healthy right?

So how can it be changed? First, surrounding myself with people who have supported my journey and those that have been on the same journey as me. We all struggle with the same issues. Binge, feeling guilty, back on plan, fall off, binge, feel guilty, hop back on, swear to never fall off again, but than that jar or peanut butter and bottle of wine catches your eye at ladies night and you're off again.... I mean, I'm a 30 year old adult - if I want a glass of wine, I should be able to have one without having an 8 hour internal debate with myself over it. Right? 

My hope, for myself and others, is to turn the self-talk from negative thoughts to positive thoughts - I am strong. I am healthy. My weight does not define me. I can have a glass of wine. Moderation is key. Balance is important. I will find balance. I will be happy. I am confident.....

Remember - our thoughts are powerful. They have the ability to change the mood very quickly for worse or for better. What do you want your thoughts to be?

~ Ryanne 

Post-Competition Words

Hey friends - let's talk about post competition life - or OFF-SEASON!!!!

I competed a little over a week ago now and nicely put, this past week was rough. I never imagined that my body would change so drastically from week to week during competition prep, and then even more drastically post competition. I thought I was prepared, but I was not entirely prepared.

First, peak week is all about hydration and dehydration, and adjusting things daily, and carb loading, and not spilling over, and wine or no wine, how much potassium to take and when, did you pee enough today, did you poop yet, do you feel tighter than yesterday, do you feel tighter than this morning? And that's just the basics! 

I spent a lot of time preparing myself for what post comp life was going to be like. I also spent a lot of time mentally preparing and reminding myself that the way I look on show day is not maintainable and that it is for ONE DAY. I told myself for months leading up to the competitions that this is one day only. You will look beyond amazing and better than a majority of the population for one day, maybe two depending on how my body responded. 

Fast forward to after the show. My abs survived the immediate Saturday night binge of a greasy ass appetizer, burger, fries, pumpkin bars, chocolate pie, almond butter, apples, bananas, pumpkin spice cookie butter, a half a beer, wine, and two packages of pop tarts. I woke up Sunday morning feeling like the freaking Hulk. Sunday was all about brunch, flavored coffee (which after having black coffee for 6 months isn't as amazing as I thought it was going to be), a delicious saki bloody mary, the rest of the chocolate pie, chicken wings, more pop tarts, more almond butter, peanut butter, cookie butter, and pizza fries. I basically ate for an entire 24 hours...and I ain't even mad about it.

Monday came around, and I was ready to get back on track. I had a sugar headache and just wasn't feeling super amazing like I was used to feeling. I prepped my meals and went on with the day. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday came. I did well. Prepping my meals and just having one sweet snack during the day. I went back to the gym and was having some amazing pumps. So amazing that I was the most sore I have ever been after my lifts.

Then came Friday. I thought I could fight the urge. I tried to..but not hard enough. I went to cherry berry. WORST IDEA EVER. First off, I have a dairy intolerance..which I am aware of in the past have just prepared to suffer with the consequences. After being completely dairy free for 6 months, my body hated me. I woke up Saturday morning and thought I was dying. The pain was so intolerable I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go to work or not. Needless to say, my morning was a shit show. Saturday at work I binged... on all the cookies and goodness that I haven't been able to experience in months. For no reason, no reason at all. Purely because the sugar demons attacked and I was weak and making excuses. I had so much sugar in my body that my heart started to race and I was having hot flashes.

This morning, Sunday, I woke up feeling hungover, like I had consumed an entire case of wine. It was awful. My head hurt, my body ached, my stomach was yelling at me. I vowed to myself to start my reverse diet and to stick to it. The sugar cravings will subside again, my body will come back to its happy place, and I will feel healthier. Also, all the sugar has caused my skin to flare up and break out. NOT COOL. that is reason enough to stop the sugar.

Basically here's what I have learned one week post competition: 

1. Sugar is a drug. A wicked wicked drug. 
2. You're mind will tell you it's okay when deep down you know it's not. 
3. I eat even if I don't want to - just because it's there. 
4. Restricting food for a long time does damage on the relationship that you have with food, whether you think it will or not, it does. 
5. It takes a long time to feel hydrated after being super depleted. 
6. Food will be there tomorrow, or next week, or the next year. I don't have to eat everything right now. 
7. I am not depriving myself. This is my lifestyle.
8. My body doesn't like bad food - Food is meant to fuel my body not hurt it! 
9. I do not want to throw away the last 6 months of work that I have put in over stupid cookies. 
10. Keeping my goals in mind and visible is important. 
11. Having and USING my support system is an important part of this lifestyle and being successful! 
12. My coach knows everything - pictures and performance don't lie. He knows. Good coaches know. 

I am looking forward to a very long and successful off-season. This time will help me to grow as a person and grow my body to bring an even better package to stage in Spring 2017.

~~Ryanne

Body Talk

Real talk y'all. I'm 19 days out. 19 FREAKING DAYS from my very first bikini bodybuilding competition. The last couple of weeks have been brutal to say the least. This journey and transformation has taught me an insane amount about myself!

 First - I have to acknowledge the woman that brought me into this world. Without her, my life would be entirely different. With her I am stronger. This journey has taught me that holding onto the past won't solve anything, if anything it makes you more resentful and more tired. Holding on to negativity is tiring and wears on you on every level. I am so grateful for my Mom and so happy that we are moving forward with our relationship. 

NOW - Let's get down to some business. The business of the body. The business of the brain. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) - is a severe, SEVERE, psychiatric diagnosis. So please take that into consideration as you venture further into this blog. 

Persons with BDD are often negatively fixated on a specific part of the body that doesn't truly have a flaw. For example, negatively focusing on acne scarring that is there but not noticeable to the general public. More often than not, sufferers of BDD will spend hours of time and lots of money thinking about and trying to correct the problem. Many people with BDD also suffer from other psychiatric illnesses like anxiety, depression, and/or OCD. 

Now you may say Ryanne - what in the hell does this have to do with weight loss, weight lifting, and body image and body transformation? Let me tell you... Here's a secret - A LOT. For some people. Let's take a looksie at my progress pictures - 

That face tho! My face has changed. Significantly. BUT some days when I look in the mirror, that chubby faced girl on the left is the one staring right back at me. And then, all day it's that face I see and that face I fixate on.  

Now the same goes for my body. That picture on the right was taken this morning 9/20/15 - I weigh 136 pounds. Unofficially, I have roughly 14% body fat. That is 44 pounds less than the picture on the right. 

The hard part is this - mornings when I wake up and feel lean I feel great all day. Other mornings when I feel bloated - instantly in my head I am the girl on the left. 180 pounds and a size 12-14. And all day, this is how I believe people see me. 

People comment on my weight loss all the time. Daily. Multiple times a day. I knew I was going to right a blog on this, so in preparation I began to pay close attention to my comments back to people. On days I don't feel so awesome and skinny, my comments are negative... "No, I don't look good." "No, I still have weight to lose." "No, I'm so bloated and fat." yeah not classy or cool. 

On days I feel good, however, I respond with positive comments and enthusiasm. "Thank you!" "Yes, I still have a few weeks to go but I feel great." way cooler and way more classy. (and people like you more when you are happy with your progress...trust me on that one. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain about how fat she is.) 

In talking with friends, who also compete and have had significant weight loss, I have found that many of them have similar feelings about BDD and what they see in the mirror. Because I'm a big proponent of research (#psychmajor) I found a great article, although not proven, on Muscle Dysmorphia, which is more directed towards bodybuilders and competitors. I definitely recommend the read if you are interested, and you can find it right here !!

A great motivator, who I admire for her strength and beauty and incredible journey, told me this when I asked her if she experiences any BDD issues "All the time. I don't know if I ever see the "real" me. I even notice when I give adjustments that I don't get in as close as I could because I think my body is way bigger than it actually is. I don't know if my brain will catch up with reality once I hit goal and I stop changing sizes? I just know I definitely see myself as bigger than I actually am... I almost always see the old me to some extent. Both. Some days I get SUPER discouraged and it makes we want to give up and eat junk food kind of as a rebellion. Some days it motivates me" ~Kitty Norton (Yoga Teacher And Beautiful Soul)

As I have mentioned in my previous post Image of Body - the brain can seriously play tricks on us. You must learn to be stronger and to trust your body and the way that you feel. Learning to listen to your body is key. Knowing that everyday will be different, and accepting that, will do wonders for your peace of mind. And let the clothes do the talking. I was wearing a size 6 forever, mainly because I'm cheap, but then bought a 4 off the rack "because no way in hell am I smaller than that." BUT they were too damn big. I went and bought a 2. They fit. I'm a flipping size 2. I haven't been that size since Kindergarten OKAY!? 

My whole point is this - TRUST IS CRITICAL. Trust your body, Learn to trust your mind, and most of all LOVE YOURSELF. Everyday tell yourself "I love you and I am beautiful." 

And if you want some basics on self-talk here you go!

Ryanne 

Transformation of a Lifetime

Holy man. Making progress. What a journey this past 4 months has been. 

Wait, back up.... 

June 2014 - unhappy, unhealthy, not confident. I mean just look at my body and my face. I was so stressed out and so tired. Just run down to the very last drop. 

Fast forward to May 2015 - I had lost about 20 pounds on my own before meeting with my coach/trainer to discuss this thing they call a bikini competition. I walked, chatted, got measured, and signed my contract and a chunk of my bank account over to him. 

Coach literally responded with "what am I getting myself into?" Thinking that this wasn't going to last or go very far, or maybe that I wasn't serious. I honestly don't know what went through his head but he has stuck by my side every step of the way.

Now moving forward to 3 weeks into my transformation - which will now be referred to as a lifestyle: 

   3 weeks into my training at about 153 pounds. 

I'm not going to sugar coat - it was rough. I remember when I had a cheat and at an oatmeal raisin cookie - I felt so terrible! I immediately texted Coach and was all "oh gosh, I ate a cookie, just one, it will never happen again I swear!" 

Thankfully he was kind about it and told me that it can never happen again (not during training)!!!!

Fast forward - July 1, 2015. I went swimsuit shopping. Yikes! I haven't liked swimsuit shopping in...uh...well probably since 9th grade. My goal for 2015 is to do an unassisted pull-up and to have abs for my 30th birthday. The pull-up is in progress...along with the abs. I have little baby ones but they're going to make an appearance before my shows. I know it!!! 

So I found a couple of swimsuits. A little snug around the hip at this point in the picture but overall they fit...and I felt great. Bonus - the bottoms are a M not an L. 

                                  Left 6/24/14 middle 7/1/15 right 8/1/15

Weight 180lbs, 147lbs, 145lbs 

Onto to the current - 8/1/15 - I have over halfway through my 

training and have 10 weeks to go until I step on stage for the 

very first time! So many emotions. 

I took this picture on a whim in the yoga studio and was 

pleasantly surprised by my progress in 4 weeks. Needless to 

say my progress is starting to become more noticeable. I've 

had people not recognize me, walk past and not realize it's 

me!!! 

I've been very apprehensive about sharing my pictures, mainly because I am still stuck in my own head a little bit. The mind is a sneaky little bastard and likes to play tricks on you. Especially in the midst of a ferocious training regimen complete with meal and workout plans!

What I have learned is that the number on the scale is just a number. It fluctuates. Trust your body and TRUST THE PROCESS! Learn from your coach and bust your ass everyday like you don't have another chance! Change is possible. You just have to want it. 

Big shout-out to my coach - without you this isn't possible. 

You make dreams into a reality and have the biggest heart 

around. Even when you're mad I know you care about all 

your competitors so much that you'd jump in front of a plate 

of chocolate ice cream peanut butter pie topped with sour 

patch kids just to keep us on track! 

Fire Up!!

Ryanne

Thigh Gap

So... I have a thigh gap. I've never had a thigh gap - well at least not in the last 5-7 years. I probably did in junior high. Possibly in high school, but likely only for freshman year. During this prep I have seen some incredible changes in my body. Muscle definition being one. Clothes fit better, and I feel better - more confident, more sexy, more happy with my physical appearance.

However, this thigh gap (which undoubtedly will get wider as the next 11 weeks progress) has left me with mixed emotions. When the thigh gap hit its peak, I did not have a thigh gap. I found it entirely impossible to get a thigh gap. Actually, I didn't even want to strive for a thigh gap. The hype around it was so ridiculous - people salivating over this space between the legs like it was something holy, others hating on it with body shaming, eating disorder comments, and just all around negativity and nastiness.

My feelings are this: I have a thigh gap. I own that now. My shorts don't ride up with I walk, my thighs don't rub together in my swim suit... they don't touch unless I make them. Not going to lie - it's nice. However, my thigh gap has come with a lot of sweat, tears, soreness, good days, bad days, all around shitty days, lots of protein, lack of sleep, lack of sugar and fat and low calorie intake during my cutting phase of prep. My thigh gap was earned. I earned this. I worked my ass off for this. This change in my body makes me proud. This gap also makes me a bit wavered in my womanhood, as thighs are a sign of a healthy woman who can bear children.

This gap does not define me, it is not who I am. I have a thigh gap - so effing what. I also have biceps and boobs, an education, and a brain that is always seeking to learn something new and to become better. That is who I am, not some silly thigh-gap.

- Ryanne

Body Image and Confidence

This lesson is such an important one to remember. Confidence is key not 

matter what your current health situation. Love yourself and your body 

and realize that you must be consistent and do what works best for you to

be the best you! I asked my coach Dusty Olson today about post show 

depression and he enlightened me on post show care and being realistic. 

I'm so thankful that he's honest and that he respects his competitors to 

the point of brutal honesty. I'm thankful and blessed to be a part of 

the ‪#‎teamUMC‬ Family. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows but it 

can pretty damn good if you love yourself, have confidence, and a passion 

for what makes you feel confident and happy! One day at a time and trust 

the process!

Snack OR dessert?!

Recipe: 1 cup plain Greek yogurt,  1/2 tbsp honey,  1 scoop Herbalife formula 1 cookies & cream. #herbalife

 

So delicious and nutritious. Calms the sweet cravings and gives you an added boost of protein!

 

 

~ Namaste,

Ryanne 

Dedication

Happy Friday Y'all, 

Let me tell you about my recent best friends 

MY HERBALIFE SHAKES 

yes, i am all about my shakes these days. I'm on a mission to get fit and look good in a bikini for my 30TH BIRTHDAY. My main motivation is to feel 100% confident with myself and to live until I'm 100. Both would be wicked awesome. 

My Herbalife is my life saver. It's the perfect meal replacement and you can be incredibly creative with your shakes and what you add to them.

I use fruits, veggies, coffee, and I've even added ice cream (but only one time, ssshhh). Ice cream isn't a regular thing in my house as I have lactose issues so I have to really be prepared and having insane calcium cravings which are very very rare. 

The shakes in the picture below were all make with the FORMULA 1 HEALTHY MEAL  Vanilla Flavor. Technically this is 1 days worth - but for most people this would be 2 days worth. Because I work overnights I have a weird schedule and a hard time eating in the middle of the night so I drink a shake or two for my dinners and then have my bigger meals before and after work. 

These shakes have Kale, Greek Yogurt plain, Vanilla Almond Milk, tropical frozen fruit, Herbalife Formula 1 and Herbalife Fiber Complex (regularity is important). 

They keep well in the fridge over night, or for 2 nights - after that they kind of taste a bit funky. They also travel well in pint size mason jars. I don't have to worry about spilling or leakage in my lunch bag or purse and can just grab them out of the fridge and go. NO EXCUSE!!! 

If you're interested in jump starting your fitness get in contact with me through email RYLOTRU@GMAIL.COM 

or at My Herbalife site 

or leave a comment on my blog!! 

~ Cheers to good health and happiness, 

Ryanne 

Power Up

hey everyone! please excuse the all lower case today - my shift key (one the left side of my keyboard) just decided to pop off... and it's super awkward to try and use the right side shift key.. do it - try it - you know you want to :) 

well today, I'm going to tell you about a little bit about this gem that my boyfriend and i have been taking PRE-workout. it's by HERBALIFE and is part of their Herbalife24 line. the product is called PREPARE.

you can read the details in the picture below - but let me tell you something: it gives you the best energy boost that you need to power through those workouts when you just don't want to - or even when you want to but need a little kick in the ass. i have found that i can go longer and harder during my lifting sessions and have started to notice small gains in my muscle growth. and the best part is that it's from a reputable company and isn't filled with a bunch of sugars that are going to rev you up and then crash you to the ground!! #bonus

please contact me if you have questions - you can email me 

RYLOTRU@GMAIL.COM

or leave me a message on my blog and I'll get in touch with you 

or find me at MY HERBALIFE SITE 

~Namaste 

Ryanne