Body versus Brain

The past six months have been an interesting six months to say the least. For one, I am six months post bikini competitor life and have jumped headfirst into training for my first figure competitions in Spring 2017. Second, I have developed an unhealthy healthy relationship with my food and diet. Let me explain...

Today I attended a seminar on eating disorders and had so many moments of "holy hell, that's me" and "damnit, it shouldn't be this difficult." I would not classify myself as someone who has an eating disorder. However, I am beginning to realize that I have an addiction, an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. To me, this is terrifying. This is never something I anticipated would continue to go on for six months after my competitions.

Let me break down my daily self-discussions with you (because I'm not the only one struggling, and I have had this conversation with multiple people over the last few days)
- Wake Up - Oh I feel so good
- Breakfast - Mmmm my favorite meal - let's get the day started right! Oh a latte sounds nice, but wait it has flavoring and extra calories with the soy milk and sugar, and you don't need it so just get black like always because all that extra is bad.
- Afternoon - A glass of wine or something sweet would be amazing tonight.. but it's not on the meal plan, it's not allowed, it will ruin your gains, you'll feel like crap, it's not worth it. But it would be sooo good.
- Workout - maybe I want to, maybe I don't - you'll feel better if you do, you can have that glass of wine if you do, but that glass of wine will make your workout pointless, so don't have it. Go to the gym Ryanne.
- Post-Workout - because I wouldn't skip a workout (insert eye roll) if I did skip my lift it would lead another debate about how I should be at the gym instead of at home, out with friends, or resting.
- Dinner - hmm same old chicken, sweet potatoes, and spinach. Yes, I DO LOVE THIS MEAL! But I'd rather be cooking something more fun, yet healthy and enjoying it with people I enjoy being around. I'd rather be out with a friend on a random night enjoying an adult beverage. I'd rather not force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. If I do any of those things let the internal committee begin the battle again of how I should just eat my prepped food because I won't feel like crap, I won't ruin my gains, it's what's on the plan, and I can see my friends another time.
- Next day - if I did cheat or slip up, all the comments come on hardcore - you're fat, i feel disgusting, so bloated, new pimple, red face, uncomfortable, never going to see my abs again, don't let it happen again...

Do you see a theme? Everything I do is a battle. Every time I want something off plan, meal or workout plan, my brain freaks the fuck out and the committee brings on a huge guilt trip. I'd be lying if I said that competing was worth it. Competing was an amazing experience in my life, and I am beyond thankful for what it taught me and continues to teach me. I have become increasingly self-confident as my weight has crept back up since my shows, yes a lot more of it is muscle, but even at my heaviest weight (pre-competing) I do not recall being this self-conscious.

In the seminar that I attended today I learned that my relationship with food, and my lifestyle, can be healthy. Finding balance is key, but also hard, especially when your metabolism is in this state of imbalance. The brain is also imbalanced. I know this firsthand. I know this because rationally I know that I am not fat, I know that I am not disgusting. I know that. However, the brain is an asshole and attacks at any moment of weakness. I learned that "Everything that your outside looks like is not what your insides feel like. You're telling yourself that you're much larger than you really are." Calling myself fat and bloated is re-enforcing my negative self-image. My self-talk goes from damn I feel and look good, to I'm fat and feel/look like shit. Not healthy right?

So how can it be changed? First, surrounding myself with people who have supported my journey and those that have been on the same journey as me. We all struggle with the same issues. Binge, feeling guilty, back on plan, fall off, binge, feel guilty, hop back on, swear to never fall off again, but than that jar or peanut butter and bottle of wine catches your eye at ladies night and you're off again.... I mean, I'm a 30 year old adult - if I want a glass of wine, I should be able to have one without having an 8 hour internal debate with myself over it. Right? 

My hope, for myself and others, is to turn the self-talk from negative thoughts to positive thoughts - I am strong. I am healthy. My weight does not define me. I can have a glass of wine. Moderation is key. Balance is important. I will find balance. I will be happy. I am confident.....

Remember - our thoughts are powerful. They have the ability to change the mood very quickly for worse or for better. What do you want your thoughts to be?

~ Ryanne 

Body Talk

Real talk y'all. I'm 19 days out. 19 FREAKING DAYS from my very first bikini bodybuilding competition. The last couple of weeks have been brutal to say the least. This journey and transformation has taught me an insane amount about myself!

 First - I have to acknowledge the woman that brought me into this world. Without her, my life would be entirely different. With her I am stronger. This journey has taught me that holding onto the past won't solve anything, if anything it makes you more resentful and more tired. Holding on to negativity is tiring and wears on you on every level. I am so grateful for my Mom and so happy that we are moving forward with our relationship. 

NOW - Let's get down to some business. The business of the body. The business of the brain. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) - is a severe, SEVERE, psychiatric diagnosis. So please take that into consideration as you venture further into this blog. 

Persons with BDD are often negatively fixated on a specific part of the body that doesn't truly have a flaw. For example, negatively focusing on acne scarring that is there but not noticeable to the general public. More often than not, sufferers of BDD will spend hours of time and lots of money thinking about and trying to correct the problem. Many people with BDD also suffer from other psychiatric illnesses like anxiety, depression, and/or OCD. 

Now you may say Ryanne - what in the hell does this have to do with weight loss, weight lifting, and body image and body transformation? Let me tell you... Here's a secret - A LOT. For some people. Let's take a looksie at my progress pictures - 

That face tho! My face has changed. Significantly. BUT some days when I look in the mirror, that chubby faced girl on the left is the one staring right back at me. And then, all day it's that face I see and that face I fixate on.  

Now the same goes for my body. That picture on the right was taken this morning 9/20/15 - I weigh 136 pounds. Unofficially, I have roughly 14% body fat. That is 44 pounds less than the picture on the right. 

The hard part is this - mornings when I wake up and feel lean I feel great all day. Other mornings when I feel bloated - instantly in my head I am the girl on the left. 180 pounds and a size 12-14. And all day, this is how I believe people see me. 

People comment on my weight loss all the time. Daily. Multiple times a day. I knew I was going to right a blog on this, so in preparation I began to pay close attention to my comments back to people. On days I don't feel so awesome and skinny, my comments are negative... "No, I don't look good." "No, I still have weight to lose." "No, I'm so bloated and fat." yeah not classy or cool. 

On days I feel good, however, I respond with positive comments and enthusiasm. "Thank you!" "Yes, I still have a few weeks to go but I feel great." way cooler and way more classy. (and people like you more when you are happy with your progress...trust me on that one. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain about how fat she is.) 

In talking with friends, who also compete and have had significant weight loss, I have found that many of them have similar feelings about BDD and what they see in the mirror. Because I'm a big proponent of research (#psychmajor) I found a great article, although not proven, on Muscle Dysmorphia, which is more directed towards bodybuilders and competitors. I definitely recommend the read if you are interested, and you can find it right here !!

A great motivator, who I admire for her strength and beauty and incredible journey, told me this when I asked her if she experiences any BDD issues "All the time. I don't know if I ever see the "real" me. I even notice when I give adjustments that I don't get in as close as I could because I think my body is way bigger than it actually is. I don't know if my brain will catch up with reality once I hit goal and I stop changing sizes? I just know I definitely see myself as bigger than I actually am... I almost always see the old me to some extent. Both. Some days I get SUPER discouraged and it makes we want to give up and eat junk food kind of as a rebellion. Some days it motivates me" ~Kitty Norton (Yoga Teacher And Beautiful Soul)

As I have mentioned in my previous post Image of Body - the brain can seriously play tricks on us. You must learn to be stronger and to trust your body and the way that you feel. Learning to listen to your body is key. Knowing that everyday will be different, and accepting that, will do wonders for your peace of mind. And let the clothes do the talking. I was wearing a size 6 forever, mainly because I'm cheap, but then bought a 4 off the rack "because no way in hell am I smaller than that." BUT they were too damn big. I went and bought a 2. They fit. I'm a flipping size 2. I haven't been that size since Kindergarten OKAY!? 

My whole point is this - TRUST IS CRITICAL. Trust your body, Learn to trust your mind, and most of all LOVE YOURSELF. Everyday tell yourself "I love you and I am beautiful." 

And if you want some basics on self-talk here you go!

Ryanne 

Competition Thoughts Part 2

Hey Friends... it's Friday. And a glorious Friday at that! Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush here.. I'm exhausted. On all levels. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically. I'm trying to pick myself up throughout the day and not let the exhaustion tear me down into a negative pit of energy zapping grossness, but it's a struggle. Thankfully some smart smart person invented coffee. 

About two weeks ago my meal plan changed on my prep. Along with a new workout plan, but more in that after this. The meal plan changed up my carbs, added a lot more protein, and took away some fats. For almost a little over a week now, I have been powering through some serious digestive issues, and all things aside, it hasn't been fun at all. The negative impact of a constant upset stomach and bloating is starting to take its toll. My sleep has been disrupted and it's also starting to impact my workouts and my stamina during my workouts. I'm hopeful that my body is just adjusting to the changes in the plan, and it isn't something more serious. (Don't worry, I will seek medical attention when I see fit, I'm not trying to tear my stomach apart with this)

My workouts - holy hell.... fasted cardio for 55 minutes. Enough said on that one. Someone bring me a coffee IV to hook up every day please. Lifts - increase in sets and reps. I'm rocking this new workout plan, finding what works and what doesn't. Even with my current tummy troubles I know I need to focus on the outcome and my goals! If I have to rest a little longer in between sets so be it. 

Some exciting news - I picked out my suit fabric and accessories. Oh, it is sooooo pretty and completely not what I had in mind as something that I would have chosen. Always surprising myself I suppose. I'm also keeping it a secret so the big reveal will be made on show day! 

Enjoy your Friday people of the universe. Stay Positive and get some coffee for you and me! 

~~ Ryanne

Competition Thoughts

Happy Friday Friends!

As of tomorrow I am 17 weeks out from my very first and 18 weeks out from my second Bikini Competition. Emotional is an understatement. I have no idea what to feel, how to feel, when to feel, where to feel... 17 weeks left. It feels like yesterday that I just started on this journey to find the best me (it's been 9 weeks) and I can say that so far I have learned to so much about myself and my body.

Mentally, I am becoming stronger. Able to resist the temptations and push myself harder than I thought I would be able to in the Gym. I have found that my ability to give up alcohol has been one of the easier things. Even though I love craft beer and exploring breweries is something my boyfriend and I enjoy doing together, this journey is more important right now. I'm thankful that he understands that and we both know this is temporary. I'm not saying I look forward to getting all white-girl after my competitions, but I definitely look forward to the day I can enjoy a beer with my burger and a glass of wine in the bathtub! Ya feel me?!

Physically, I can see so many changes in my body. Muscles growing, fat slowly shrinking. My back and shoulders showing definition. My quads are starting to form and pop. My hamstring muscles are replacing the fat dimples on the back of my legs. My biceps are growing big like Arnold. And my obliques and hips are starting to come out of hibernation under layers and layers of fat. My face in noticeably slimmer, less irritated, less red and blotchy, and less acne and random breakouts.

Emotionally, I'm starting to become more self-aware. What food makes me feel. How food makes my body feel. How good workouts wear me out in the best possible way and make me tired, and how a bad workout can send me into a negative state of mind for a while and make me want to quit for the day. My emotional state is up and down - primarily up and positive and happy. However, during the first few days of my meal and workout plan change it's rough. My body adapts for 4 weeks and just when the groove is there it switches. This last change provided me with an insight into food jealousy and anger towards other people eating foods that I don't even really care for or wouldn't eat normally. BUT because I can't have them and they can I was mad and jealous. These thoughts and feelings passed, thankfully.

Look for a future posting about food. Oh food, how I love thee!

This process is not even half way over at this point and I am so excited to continue on. The journey is completely amazing, inspiring, life-changing, and a roller coaster ride like no other. This journey is what you make it. My goal through this is remain positive throughout the process and especially after the shows! More on post-show goals later though. Right now, we focus on today. We focus on goals for today, plans for today, meals and workouts for today. We focus on the now. The now that you create.

Be Happy. Be Healthy. Be Humble.

~Ryanne