Body versus Brain

The past six months have been an interesting six months to say the least. For one, I am six months post bikini competitor life and have jumped headfirst into training for my first figure competitions in Spring 2017. Second, I have developed an unhealthy healthy relationship with my food and diet. Let me explain...

Today I attended a seminar on eating disorders and had so many moments of "holy hell, that's me" and "damnit, it shouldn't be this difficult." I would not classify myself as someone who has an eating disorder. However, I am beginning to realize that I have an addiction, an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. To me, this is terrifying. This is never something I anticipated would continue to go on for six months after my competitions.

Let me break down my daily self-discussions with you (because I'm not the only one struggling, and I have had this conversation with multiple people over the last few days)
- Wake Up - Oh I feel so good
- Breakfast - Mmmm my favorite meal - let's get the day started right! Oh a latte sounds nice, but wait it has flavoring and extra calories with the soy milk and sugar, and you don't need it so just get black like always because all that extra is bad.
- Afternoon - A glass of wine or something sweet would be amazing tonight.. but it's not on the meal plan, it's not allowed, it will ruin your gains, you'll feel like crap, it's not worth it. But it would be sooo good.
- Workout - maybe I want to, maybe I don't - you'll feel better if you do, you can have that glass of wine if you do, but that glass of wine will make your workout pointless, so don't have it. Go to the gym Ryanne.
- Post-Workout - because I wouldn't skip a workout (insert eye roll) if I did skip my lift it would lead another debate about how I should be at the gym instead of at home, out with friends, or resting.
- Dinner - hmm same old chicken, sweet potatoes, and spinach. Yes, I DO LOVE THIS MEAL! But I'd rather be cooking something more fun, yet healthy and enjoying it with people I enjoy being around. I'd rather be out with a friend on a random night enjoying an adult beverage. I'd rather not force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. If I do any of those things let the internal committee begin the battle again of how I should just eat my prepped food because I won't feel like crap, I won't ruin my gains, it's what's on the plan, and I can see my friends another time.
- Next day - if I did cheat or slip up, all the comments come on hardcore - you're fat, i feel disgusting, so bloated, new pimple, red face, uncomfortable, never going to see my abs again, don't let it happen again...

Do you see a theme? Everything I do is a battle. Every time I want something off plan, meal or workout plan, my brain freaks the fuck out and the committee brings on a huge guilt trip. I'd be lying if I said that competing was worth it. Competing was an amazing experience in my life, and I am beyond thankful for what it taught me and continues to teach me. I have become increasingly self-confident as my weight has crept back up since my shows, yes a lot more of it is muscle, but even at my heaviest weight (pre-competing) I do not recall being this self-conscious.

In the seminar that I attended today I learned that my relationship with food, and my lifestyle, can be healthy. Finding balance is key, but also hard, especially when your metabolism is in this state of imbalance. The brain is also imbalanced. I know this firsthand. I know this because rationally I know that I am not fat, I know that I am not disgusting. I know that. However, the brain is an asshole and attacks at any moment of weakness. I learned that "Everything that your outside looks like is not what your insides feel like. You're telling yourself that you're much larger than you really are." Calling myself fat and bloated is re-enforcing my negative self-image. My self-talk goes from damn I feel and look good, to I'm fat and feel/look like shit. Not healthy right?

So how can it be changed? First, surrounding myself with people who have supported my journey and those that have been on the same journey as me. We all struggle with the same issues. Binge, feeling guilty, back on plan, fall off, binge, feel guilty, hop back on, swear to never fall off again, but than that jar or peanut butter and bottle of wine catches your eye at ladies night and you're off again.... I mean, I'm a 30 year old adult - if I want a glass of wine, I should be able to have one without having an 8 hour internal debate with myself over it. Right? 

My hope, for myself and others, is to turn the self-talk from negative thoughts to positive thoughts - I am strong. I am healthy. My weight does not define me. I can have a glass of wine. Moderation is key. Balance is important. I will find balance. I will be happy. I am confident.....

Remember - our thoughts are powerful. They have the ability to change the mood very quickly for worse or for better. What do you want your thoughts to be?

~ Ryanne 

Body Talk

Real talk y'all. I'm 19 days out. 19 FREAKING DAYS from my very first bikini bodybuilding competition. The last couple of weeks have been brutal to say the least. This journey and transformation has taught me an insane amount about myself!

 First - I have to acknowledge the woman that brought me into this world. Without her, my life would be entirely different. With her I am stronger. This journey has taught me that holding onto the past won't solve anything, if anything it makes you more resentful and more tired. Holding on to negativity is tiring and wears on you on every level. I am so grateful for my Mom and so happy that we are moving forward with our relationship. 

NOW - Let's get down to some business. The business of the body. The business of the brain. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) - is a severe, SEVERE, psychiatric diagnosis. So please take that into consideration as you venture further into this blog. 

Persons with BDD are often negatively fixated on a specific part of the body that doesn't truly have a flaw. For example, negatively focusing on acne scarring that is there but not noticeable to the general public. More often than not, sufferers of BDD will spend hours of time and lots of money thinking about and trying to correct the problem. Many people with BDD also suffer from other psychiatric illnesses like anxiety, depression, and/or OCD. 

Now you may say Ryanne - what in the hell does this have to do with weight loss, weight lifting, and body image and body transformation? Let me tell you... Here's a secret - A LOT. For some people. Let's take a looksie at my progress pictures - 

That face tho! My face has changed. Significantly. BUT some days when I look in the mirror, that chubby faced girl on the left is the one staring right back at me. And then, all day it's that face I see and that face I fixate on.  

Now the same goes for my body. That picture on the right was taken this morning 9/20/15 - I weigh 136 pounds. Unofficially, I have roughly 14% body fat. That is 44 pounds less than the picture on the right. 

The hard part is this - mornings when I wake up and feel lean I feel great all day. Other mornings when I feel bloated - instantly in my head I am the girl on the left. 180 pounds and a size 12-14. And all day, this is how I believe people see me. 

People comment on my weight loss all the time. Daily. Multiple times a day. I knew I was going to right a blog on this, so in preparation I began to pay close attention to my comments back to people. On days I don't feel so awesome and skinny, my comments are negative... "No, I don't look good." "No, I still have weight to lose." "No, I'm so bloated and fat." yeah not classy or cool. 

On days I feel good, however, I respond with positive comments and enthusiasm. "Thank you!" "Yes, I still have a few weeks to go but I feel great." way cooler and way more classy. (and people like you more when you are happy with your progress...trust me on that one. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain about how fat she is.) 

In talking with friends, who also compete and have had significant weight loss, I have found that many of them have similar feelings about BDD and what they see in the mirror. Because I'm a big proponent of research (#psychmajor) I found a great article, although not proven, on Muscle Dysmorphia, which is more directed towards bodybuilders and competitors. I definitely recommend the read if you are interested, and you can find it right here !!

A great motivator, who I admire for her strength and beauty and incredible journey, told me this when I asked her if she experiences any BDD issues "All the time. I don't know if I ever see the "real" me. I even notice when I give adjustments that I don't get in as close as I could because I think my body is way bigger than it actually is. I don't know if my brain will catch up with reality once I hit goal and I stop changing sizes? I just know I definitely see myself as bigger than I actually am... I almost always see the old me to some extent. Both. Some days I get SUPER discouraged and it makes we want to give up and eat junk food kind of as a rebellion. Some days it motivates me" ~Kitty Norton (Yoga Teacher And Beautiful Soul)

As I have mentioned in my previous post Image of Body - the brain can seriously play tricks on us. You must learn to be stronger and to trust your body and the way that you feel. Learning to listen to your body is key. Knowing that everyday will be different, and accepting that, will do wonders for your peace of mind. And let the clothes do the talking. I was wearing a size 6 forever, mainly because I'm cheap, but then bought a 4 off the rack "because no way in hell am I smaller than that." BUT they were too damn big. I went and bought a 2. They fit. I'm a flipping size 2. I haven't been that size since Kindergarten OKAY!? 

My whole point is this - TRUST IS CRITICAL. Trust your body, Learn to trust your mind, and most of all LOVE YOURSELF. Everyday tell yourself "I love you and I am beautiful." 

And if you want some basics on self-talk here you go!

Ryanne 

Image of Body

Happy Sunday Loves.... 

Shall we chat about body image and the mental mind fuck that goes on thanks to the brain? I think we shall. by definition the brain is defined as: an organ of soft nervous tissue contained in the skull of vertebrates, functioning as the coordinating center of sensation and intellectual and nervous activity. that's a pretty legit definition. 

First - a soft organ - if you've never seen/felt a brain it's pretty cool! Second, it's not pretty cool that the brain can manipulate every part of our being. 

Third - the coordinating center of sensation, intellectual, and nervous activity. Hmmm...hold on. THE COORDINATING CENTER. This is where it gets real. The brain controls all of our activity, all of our sensations, all of our everything and being. The soft, three-pound, organ is the powerhouse of everything that we are as human beings. If you want my opinion, that is ridiculously awesome and incredible!!! 

Now, onto the topic at hand. Body Image. Here is some information from NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) 

Body image is tricky. Super tricky. Basically it's the equivalent of being on a roller coaster with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, and different emotions. The most difficult part is that this is all controlled by that soft organ up in our head. 

When I first started my competition training back in May, I was confident. Confident in who I was as a person and about 60% confident with my body. Sure, I had issues with my stomach, my big ass, and my thick thighs. but overall I felt good. I had a good job, graduated college, had a boyfriend, a dog, a roof over my head and food in my belly.

I had negative body image at this point in my life. Not super thrilled with the way I looked but accepted it. I would pick at things daily and weigh myself constantly thinking I would never look any different. 

Fast forward to 20 weeks into my training and transformation and my body image has changed significantly. I should preface these next paragraphs with this: this morning, 9/6/2015, my body image was negative. 

Yesterday was my last cheat meal. I am 34 days out from my first bikini competition and yesterday was the last cheat meal. Shit is getting real. My body has changed so significantly in the past 20 weeks that my mind cannot wrap it's head around the changes. My girlfriend and I went to lunch/dinner and I ate. I ate like it was the last supper. In one word it was GLORIOUS! My girlfriend also took pictures and when I looked at the pictures I realized how much my body really has changed. 

My first thoughts were "god I'm skinny, I need to eat something." I'm in this in-between phase where my fat is breaking down and I am loose and jiggly and my skin feels papery and weird. I feel skinny. I feel too skinny. I'm hungry. I feel like I look gross. Nothing fits right. I look like a kindergartner in pants. ---- Those were all the thoughts that ran through my head. HOW EMBARRASSING. HOW SAD.... 

Left - June 2014      ------     Right - 9/5/15

How sad it is that I actually thought those terrible things about myself. Now - thankfully I am part of a great team and my coach is amazing. After talking it through with him he reminded me that I'm not skinny. I'm fit and healthy. I am strong. I am transforming. and "If people aren't talking you aren't doing it right." 

This transformation isn't easy. Right now I am 90% confident in my body and 100% confident in my person. 90% because I am a work in progress. My body will continue to evolve over these next 6 weeks and I am okay with that. This is my goal. My goal I am determined to achieve. I still pick at things and know that each day is going to be different. I am still adjusting to my new body. My eyes catch things in the mirror and my mind says "damn girl, you look good!" and some days it says "dang girl..you need some rest." It's a process. 

This process isn't for everyone else. This process is for me. This is my journey, my life, my transformation. The comments mean things are working. I know that I am fit and healthy and strong and active. I have muscles. I love the gym. I love how I look in clothes. My mind - my brain - tells me these things. My brain allows me to wake up each morning, dress myself, go to the gym to lift heavy weights, go to work, eat, sleep, breathe, and live. My soft three-pound organ lets me to all of those things. 

This is my life. My lifestyle. And it's just for me...not for anyone else. Journeys are meant to be done with a smile. Going forward, even if the struggle is real...the smile game will be on point. If you can't have fun and be happy, it won't be worth it! 

~Ryanne

Snack Time

Snack time for me is a way for me to get creative. I'm limited in my options so seasoning is critical. Adding cucumber today for some crunch! I love the kernel season's seasoning for everything from meats to veggies to rice. 

Enjoy *Ryanne 

Turn down for ALMONDS

Pretty jazzed about all the possibilities for almonds these days. Yes I love almonds. I love them raw or salted or seasoned. Here are two of my favorite recipes! 

Snack OR dessert?!

Recipe: 1 cup plain Greek yogurt,  1/2 tbsp honey,  1 scoop Herbalife formula 1 cookies & cream. #herbalife

 

So delicious and nutritious. Calms the sweet cravings and gives you an added boost of protein!

 

 

~ Namaste,

Ryanne 

Dedication

Happy Friday Y'all, 

Let me tell you about my recent best friends 

MY HERBALIFE SHAKES 

yes, i am all about my shakes these days. I'm on a mission to get fit and look good in a bikini for my 30TH BIRTHDAY. My main motivation is to feel 100% confident with myself and to live until I'm 100. Both would be wicked awesome. 

My Herbalife is my life saver. It's the perfect meal replacement and you can be incredibly creative with your shakes and what you add to them.

I use fruits, veggies, coffee, and I've even added ice cream (but only one time, ssshhh). Ice cream isn't a regular thing in my house as I have lactose issues so I have to really be prepared and having insane calcium cravings which are very very rare. 

The shakes in the picture below were all make with the FORMULA 1 HEALTHY MEAL  Vanilla Flavor. Technically this is 1 days worth - but for most people this would be 2 days worth. Because I work overnights I have a weird schedule and a hard time eating in the middle of the night so I drink a shake or two for my dinners and then have my bigger meals before and after work. 

These shakes have Kale, Greek Yogurt plain, Vanilla Almond Milk, tropical frozen fruit, Herbalife Formula 1 and Herbalife Fiber Complex (regularity is important). 

They keep well in the fridge over night, or for 2 nights - after that they kind of taste a bit funky. They also travel well in pint size mason jars. I don't have to worry about spilling or leakage in my lunch bag or purse and can just grab them out of the fridge and go. NO EXCUSE!!! 

If you're interested in jump starting your fitness get in contact with me through email RYLOTRU@GMAIL.COM 

or at My Herbalife site 

or leave a comment on my blog!! 

~ Cheers to good health and happiness, 

Ryanne 

Cheat Day/S

Welcome to Duluth, MN

Welcome to my CHEAT WEEKEND!!!!! 

Isn't Duluth so pretty!? it's the cutest town north of the cities with antique shops, old history, and beautiful views. 

Now, my boyfriend and I have been killing in the gym for the past 6 weeks and decided that it was time to getaway. First because I started my last semester of college and second because we needed to get away from the chaos that is real life. 

Our cheats primarily consisted of Beer: Stop one was the Canal Park Brewing Company. you guys, they had the most glorious food. I had a beer soaked brat and boyfriend had bacon mac and cheese with kielbasa - holy cheat day was worth it. The beers were are dark and white IPA - and they were yummy in our tummies!

 Next stop was the Blue Paddle Taphouse - thank you for a flight and 2 beers. They have an amazing cold press coffee dark beer - which you can see above. We got a growler - it was like a cup of heaven and i'd drink it for breakfast if i could. 

 We strolled around Duluth, did a little shopping and took some pictures. As you can see the lift bridge isn't in high use - thanks to the artic tundra that is northern Minnesota!  Last stop was Old Chicago - where you can't go wrong. Thank you for good beer, a couple of shots, and good food - pepperoni rolls are my jam! 

Now after almost 2 days of being away it's back on the grind Monday morning for LEG DAYYYYYY 

~ Namaste 

Ryanne 

Power Up

hey everyone! please excuse the all lower case today - my shift key (one the left side of my keyboard) just decided to pop off... and it's super awkward to try and use the right side shift key.. do it - try it - you know you want to :) 

well today, I'm going to tell you about a little bit about this gem that my boyfriend and i have been taking PRE-workout. it's by HERBALIFE and is part of their Herbalife24 line. the product is called PREPARE.

you can read the details in the picture below - but let me tell you something: it gives you the best energy boost that you need to power through those workouts when you just don't want to - or even when you want to but need a little kick in the ass. i have found that i can go longer and harder during my lifting sessions and have started to notice small gains in my muscle growth. and the best part is that it's from a reputable company and isn't filled with a bunch of sugars that are going to rev you up and then crash you to the ground!! #bonus

please contact me if you have questions - you can email me 

RYLOTRU@GMAIL.COM

or leave me a message on my blog and I'll get in touch with you 

or find me at MY HERBALIFE SITE 

~Namaste 

Ryanne 

Homemade Crockpot Kitchen Sink Soup

!!!!!!!!!!!SOUP!!!!!!!!!!

My favorite thing to whip up in the colder months

  Starting at the beginning - I do not follow a recipe when I'm making soup. I simply toss whatever I have on had or food that I am in the mood for into the pot.

This soup took a healthy twist and it was so delightful. Cozy, yet refreshing.

Ingredients:

Kale, Spinach, Carrots, Sweet Potatoes, Onion, Garlic, Zucchini, Gluten-Free Noodles (you do not need noodles), and Chicken Stock

**disclaimer: just put in however much you want of each ingredient. Don't get fussy about it**

Steps:

Sautee garlic and onion in sauce pan to bring out the flavors - then add to bottom of the crockpot.

Chop - chop your vegetables to similar sizes to ensure even cooking. (Carrots, Sweet Potatoes & Zucchini)

Add chicken stock - however much you need to get a consistency that you enjoy.



Add Kale and Spinach (no need to cut, it wilts down nicely while it cooks)

Give then entire pot a few really good stirs.

Set it on low for a few hours until it's heated all the way through.



ADD NOODLES (because I used G-Free noodles I did this last so that they wouldn't get soggy)





Lastly, EAT - eat so much you're stomach hurts. Then eat more tomorrow, and the next tomorrow, and the next tomorrow!

Bowls Up ~ R