Spirit Junkie Chapter Seven

Wow it's been a while. Let's get this show back to it's scheduled programming. I have finished the book, however, I took some time to reflect on a few of the chapters and assignments. I also had to focus on myself, nourishing special relationships in my life, and my competition prep.

Chapter Seven is called "The Holy Instant" and learning how to show up for the assignment. It is said, in numerous uses, that "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." We must be ready before we can take on certain tasks and assignments.

Going through my breakup with Matt this chapter resonated with me the most. I needed to learn a lot of things about myself and my relationship with Matt was meant to teach me specific things. There came a point where I had to realized that my relationship with Matt had taught me everything I could learn at that time, and that it was no longer serving me. Once I accepted this, things began to change. Because of this, I was able to forgive him and forgive the fact that our relationship failed, but accept with gratitude and thanks the things that I learned from him and from our time together. I decided to send love and gratitude to him and to find a loving space in which I could cope with the loss.

I had surrendered all of my anger, hate, hurt, and negative emotions around this relationship. Yes, I am sad that it ended. Yes, some days are still a struggle and I miss him. Those are natural feelings, and a part of the grieving process when any human being experiences any type of loss. 

The coolest part is that when my ego starts acting up and bringing in these thoughts about my past relationship, I can acknowledge them and send them on their way in a loving manner. I have no hard feelings surrounding the breakup. In fact, I am so thankful for what it taught me and the time that we had together. By basing my thoughts on love, versus hate, I am happier and more accepting. I am more open to new experiences and relationships that have left or entered my life.

Remembering that I control my thoughts and actions is the key to my daily life. I choose how I want to respond, rather than how I want to react. When I respond, I can think about it. When I react, it's natural it just happens. Workings towards responses rather than reactions has been very helpful. I'm not perfect, sometimes I lose my shit, and I'm okay with that. I use it as a learning opportunity to further better myself. 

~Ryanne

Transformation Thinkings

Well where to begin. I feel like life is hurling bricks at me non-stop for the past few weeks. BUT I won't be knocked down. I may get hurt but I won't be broken. As I think about this journey and all that I've accomplished I realize that it's becoming more spiritual than anything else. 

Things I am willing to admit: I am learning how to find myself. I am 30. I am single...again. I have no children and am okay with that. I have daddy issues. I have mommy issues. I am 30. I have a good job that pays the bills and supports my lifestyle. I have the best group of friends around. I. Have a support system. I am learning. Always learning. 

Learning is important. Without it we cannot grow. Without growth we become stagnant. Then we end up like a mosquito and annoy the shit out of ourself and others! I'm learning that I need to set my goals and keep my focus on them. I am learning that who I am today is NOT the same person I was last month, and definitely not the same person I was 6 months ago. 

Six months ago I was finishing up my undergraduate degree, starting a new job, moving in with my boyfriend, thought I was happy but all I wanted to do was runaway from life and move back to Georgia. Runaway from life...... If you're confused just know that is not a good place to be. 

Today I am not in college, not starting a new job, single and moved out of my ex-boyfriends, and emotionally drained but I'm happy. I have no desire to runaway anymore. Minnesota is my home. Georgia was my escape. After much effort in my relationship and numerous attempts at trying to make something work, he brought to my attention that we have gotten each other this far and we need to accept that this is where it ends. We've both grown and made progress together and now it's time to do it apart. He will always have a special place in my heart. 

Today I am 21 pounds lighter than I was in May. I am strong. Physically, mentally, and emotionally strong. I am turning my spiritual weakness into a strength and finding out who I am really am as a person. As an individual I want to be confident and strong in all aspects. I want an unwavering faith in who I am and what I want out life. I have an idea but I know it's always a work in progress. 

As the next six weeks come around I can only imagine how much more I will learn about myself. Through reading, yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging, and my competition prep my life is just getting on the right tracks towards a life of happiness that I am creating!! 

As my tattoo says "I am the designer of my own catastrophe!" And I fully intend to keep it that way. 

Just know, life is hard. Shit fucking sucks. You can't be prepared for what life is going to throw at you. You can take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and make a decision about how you want to react and create your outcome. I don't wake up everyday jacked on life. Most days I want to throw my alarm all the way to Japan, but I don't. Life doesn't stop because shitty stuff happens. If anything, it gets more chaotic and busy and stressful. So you, YEAH YOU, get up out of bed, take a moment to acknowledge that you get to take in oxygen for another day, harvest feelings of gratitude towards yourself and the life that you have, get some coffee, put on your stretchy pants and go to the gym, or journal, or meditate.....do what makes you happy and what will set your day off to a great start. Put on a little lipstick..for you NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE! Do you. Make yourself happy. Shine your light bright. And know this.. People will judge, they always do, but that is their insecurities and jealousy shining through and it is not a reflection of you as a person. 

~Ryanne 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Four

In continuing with the Spirit Junkie journey... Chapter four is all about asking for help. 

This chapter talks about denial and how we often trick ourselves into thinking that we are not good enough in certain or all areas of our life and that we often seek out ways to define ourself. There is often a looming little thought that we are not enough, or just not good enough. Not good enough to be in a successful relationship, not good enough professionally, not good enough to be whatever it is that you struggle with. Therefore, we find new ways to define who we are. If we struggle with relationships we pursue business or other outlets that we can become successful at. 

For me, I struggle with relationships. Due to this struggle, I find ways to make myself busy and to become good at things. Going back to school was a big one for me. I needed to prove that I was good enough to get my undergraduate degree. Good enough to make it in the field of psychology. (Which I'm still progressing towards...but graduate degrees are expensive and serious time commitments). 

The real progress is made when we ask for help. When we take it upon ourself to ask ourself for help. As hard as that may be, it's a freeing experience. When I first started this book I had already begun to ask for help in forgiveness. I need help forgiving the people that I feel have hurt me in any way. Listening to my inner guide/spirit (~ing) is what it all comes down to. As the book says "The soul purpose of our ~ing is to guide our thoughts back to love." I need to awaken my inner guide and trust her and trust that she will guide me towards forgiveness and love. HELL NO, it won't happen overnight but it will happen. Our ~ing does not judge the process and is patient with us. The key point is remembering to listen to her. 

In surrendering to our ~ing there are three steps: 

1. Gently surrender 

2. Ask for help - through the use of prayer, journaling, or internal dialogue. Find what works best for you. 

3. Wait patiently for a response - this can be in the form of intuition, an inner voice, or an external message. 

Now now now - yeah I know what you're thinking, "you want me to be patient?!?! BUT I've surrendered and asked...." Trust me and trust yourself. Just wait and be patient. Remember good things come to those who wait.