Spirit Junkie Chapter Nine

Well it's definitely been a while on this one! This book was a huge life-changer for me and when the time is right, the blog is right.

Chapter Nine of Spirit Junkie was all about how the spirit can become your boyfriend! Sounds silly right? But it works.

Working towards the process of forgiveness and love. I can say that I am working my way towards feeling full forgiveness towards those that I feel have hurt me in the past. I know that I am the one that has the power over my thoughts and feelings. However, people do and say hurtful things and as an adult I am allowed to have feelings of hurt and anger. However, I do not want to hold onto those feelings forever. Negative feelings are exhausting. I am not a negative person and do not like the way that I feel, or the person I become, when I am under a negative influence.

Restoring our thoughts back to "right-mindedness" is what this chapter is about. Using your ~ing to guide you from fear, attack, judgement into a place of forgiveness and happiness. The past couple of months have been difficult for me and my family can attest to that. In the past my answer was always to run from the problem and push people out of my life solely because it was the easiest way I could get away from the hurt. Well, let's face it.. I'm 30, and as a 30 year old I shouldn't be just running away from my feelings. I am capable and knowledgeable enough to handle my feelings. Taking my own advice has helped me work through the hurt, although it will be an ongoing process. 

By building and nurturing the relationship with our ~ing we can find all the love that we need is inside of us. We must love ourselves before we can love someone else. ~ing will also provide feelings of comfort, security, loving experiences, inspiration, support and guidance, and feelings of loneliness will slowly disappear. Although I do not spend as much time in meditation as I would like, the time that I do spend has helped me to connect to my spirit. One of my goals this year is to become more connected to my inner self and to build a trustworthy relationship with myself that is full of love, security, comfort and support.

The activity for this chapter included:
1. Making a list of all of the ways in which you feel your spirit - this can be during meditation, playing an instrument, listening to music, running, walking, being around a certain person.
2. Be Mindful - Pay attention to the moments in which you feel your spirit
3. Add Water - take time to water your spirit. If you feel your spirit during yoga, make it a priority to do more yoga.

"To Heal Is To Make Happy" 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight of Spirit Junkie is about accepting the invitation. We must "Seek to change nothing, but merely to accept everything." In thinking about that quote, it really takes us deeper and brings us to a more clear connection with out Spirit. Reminding myself to stay connected to my inner light and to keep inviting the light and love of the spirit in, is constantly the challenge. 

This chapter really taught me that I was ready to love myself, and that I needed to love myself again in order to move on and to find love again in other people. Through my prep, and this book, I have learned that I do not need food, alcohol, or negative relationships to make me feel fulfilled. I have learned that all the love I need is inside of me. My inner connection to myself is what fulfills me daily. I am able to maintain my positive energy and outlook on life. 

Key points in accepting the invitation: 

1. Say YES to Spirit: If you are ready to connect to your spirit - say yes! 

2. Unblock: The more you believe, the more you will receive! 

3. Listen: Meditate and listen to your ~ing. 

~Ryanne 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Seven

Wow it's been a while. Let's get this show back to it's scheduled programming. I have finished the book, however, I took some time to reflect on a few of the chapters and assignments. I also had to focus on myself, nourishing special relationships in my life, and my competition prep.

Chapter Seven is called "The Holy Instant" and learning how to show up for the assignment. It is said, in numerous uses, that "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." We must be ready before we can take on certain tasks and assignments.

Going through my breakup with Matt this chapter resonated with me the most. I needed to learn a lot of things about myself and my relationship with Matt was meant to teach me specific things. There came a point where I had to realized that my relationship with Matt had taught me everything I could learn at that time, and that it was no longer serving me. Once I accepted this, things began to change. Because of this, I was able to forgive him and forgive the fact that our relationship failed, but accept with gratitude and thanks the things that I learned from him and from our time together. I decided to send love and gratitude to him and to find a loving space in which I could cope with the loss.

I had surrendered all of my anger, hate, hurt, and negative emotions around this relationship. Yes, I am sad that it ended. Yes, some days are still a struggle and I miss him. Those are natural feelings, and a part of the grieving process when any human being experiences any type of loss. 

The coolest part is that when my ego starts acting up and bringing in these thoughts about my past relationship, I can acknowledge them and send them on their way in a loving manner. I have no hard feelings surrounding the breakup. In fact, I am so thankful for what it taught me and the time that we had together. By basing my thoughts on love, versus hate, I am happier and more accepting. I am more open to new experiences and relationships that have left or entered my life.

Remembering that I control my thoughts and actions is the key to my daily life. I choose how I want to respond, rather than how I want to react. When I respond, I can think about it. When I react, it's natural it just happens. Workings towards responses rather than reactions has been very helpful. I'm not perfect, sometimes I lose my shit, and I'm okay with that. I use it as a learning opportunity to further better myself. 

~Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Six

Chapter six....Relationships are assignments. I repeat RELATIONSHIPS ARE ASSIGNMENTS.

This chapter is about how we view and treat relationships, how we become co-dependent, how we change the person that we are to be the person that we think we should be. So tragic...that the ego actually makes us believe that we aren't cool enough or that we aren't enough without that special someone.

Props can go to the ego for making us fall into these traps. Guilt being a main trap that the ego sucks us into quite often. "Guilt is the feeling we experience as a response to the belief that we've sinned against love - it's a projection of the sadness we have for neglecting love." SAY WHAT!!!! Sinning against love - that's a thought.

"Unconsciously we believe we deserve punishment because we turned our back on love." 

Pretty deep AND pretty true. We are able to relieve our guilt by attacking others.

****The entire point of this chapter is to have the willingness to see relationships as assignments. I, you, we, have to agree to show up for whatever comes our way. Be willing to grow, be open to new experiences, BE OPEN TO THE UNIVERSE BRINGING IN SOMEONE THAT YOU NEVER EXPECTED.

Siding with the ~ing is the best part. Asking for help and being open to help. 

The assignment for this chapter was a meditation followed by a free-writing experiment on "How have I projected my fear onto others?" - In short, I use feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness as a reason for fighting and I use defense mechanisms to block and shut out the people in my life in order to protect myself. I talk negatively to myself and about myself to others.

The next, and most important step, is to SHOW UP. Recognize the assignment and show up for it. By seeing love in the face of another person you know the true meaning of oneness. 

Lastly, "when you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself. 

~Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Five

In hopes to clear my mind before bed, I am going to enlighten you a little bit on Chapter Five - which is called "The F Word." 

I learned a lot in this chapter. Primarily about how to forgive and how important forgiveness is. Almost everything I have done this past week has included some type of message on forgiveness.... odd right? No, it's a sign. I need to forgive people in my life, forgive situations that have happened, and know that these aren't acts of betrayal or hurt, but acts that are meant to make me stronger as an individual. 

Spirit Junkie says that "by defending myself I was making things worse." By defending my actions and my wrongdoings, I was making things worse. We must chose to remain defenseless in order to remain in the present moment. Don't dwell on the past, don't bring up the past in an argument, just stay present. Yes it's hard...so hard..but you CAN do it. I promise. 

By forgiving other people we aren't just letting them off the hook, we are doing something far more important. We are releasing ourselves of the negativity, the hurt, the pain, the struggle, and most importantly THE EGO. The ego convinces us that we are separate from the situation, that we are the victim... we aren't. 

Often times the act of forgiveness allows us to realize that we aren't mad at the other person, we are mad at ourselves. This was a huge realization for me. I am mad at myself for a number of reasons. Primarily, for not being able to keep my relationship together (But that's an entirely different post). 

By practicing the F word we learn that "When we connect to light within others, you can see them as equal and release your resentments." The ego's walls of separation are torn down and we can unite as one. 

Breakin' Down the F Word: 

Step 1. Recognize the illusion: Remember, in each situation we have 2 CHOICES: ONE IS TO SEE THE DARKENESS, THE OTHER IS TO SEE THE LIGHT. By choosing to see the darkness, we strengthen our own inner darkness, and when we see the light we shine from the inside out. 

Question: How have I chosen to see darkness in this situation? 

     A: Placing blame, being defensive, arguments, not taking ownership, silence, harboring old negative feelings. 

Step 2. Release Judgement: Take time to release judgments. This one is HUGE for me. HUGE HUGE HUGE. In my journey over the past 5 months, I have become increasingly quiet due to my lack of feelings to be judgmental towards others. 

Question: How have I been judging? 

     A: Lifestyle choices such as diet and exercise, significant others/partners, Careers, Goals, Motivation and lack of motivation. 

Step 3: Be willing to forgive: 'Do you prefer to be right or happy? The willingness to release the need to be right is a major step toward forgiveness." 

Step 4: Ask you ~ing for help: Ask for help and be patient. Trust the process and stay willing to the process. Like everything it takes time. Let your inner spirit guide you to forgiveness, don't force it and DO NOT GIVE UP ON IT! 

Lastly, don't be afraid to have feelings and emotions and to be a real human being. We are designed to feel, some more than others, but that doesn't lessen the fact that moving forward in life and in any spiritual journey is hard. You can cry, laugh, punch the pillow, karate chop and block, or whatever it is you need to do to work through your individual issues. For me, I am highly sensitive...like beyond sensitive, but I act like a hard ass because I have to. I cry ( a lot, no exaggeration) and I get mad but I direct my feelings toward something. Towards things like becoming the best me I can be, inside and outside. So don't say that you can't or that you won't make it. You will. You have to. If you don't, you will be miserable and forever the victim on a vicious cycle of unhappiness. No one wants that for themselves or for others. Get out there and do you - find your happiness and find your journey. 

~Ryanne 

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Spirit Junkie Chapter Two

DISCLAIMER: I've decided to make my experience through Spirit Junkie a public journey because I want to inspire and motivate others to find their happiness. In all reality I have been struggling for many years to find what happiness is and exactly what my happiness is. I hope that this experience not only helps me to surrender to my fears, but guides me to my ultimate happiness. And in return I hope that others can find their happiness as well. 

Chapter two of Spirit Junkie asks us to examine our ego. To take a look at how the ego keeps us stuck in the illusion of fear. A guided meditation is provided followed by a free-writing experiment which I found to be very eye opening and helpful. The meditation was used to prepare our mind to allow free flowing thoughts. On an inhale we bring in the good and positives and on the exhale we release the negatives and the unknowns. 

Following the meditation there is a series of 4 questions:

1. What are you afraid of? 

- I afraid of being alone, not being worthy, not finding love, not finding happiness, not being enough, hurting others, and losing people. 

2. How do I attack myself?

- I attack myself with various types of doubt, pain, guilt, negative talk, being too busy, over working, lack of sleep, and holding onto the past. 

3. How do I attack others? 

- I attack othere primarily by judging, but also with hatred, silence, anger, frustration, guilt, and not making time. 

4. How do I bring my past fears into the present and future? 

- I bring my past fears into the present and futur pe by judging and comparing people and situations to past situations and people, negativity, being closed-minded, doubting myself and lack of time. 

Becoming aware of the ego and how it works is challenging. I have already begun to notice it creeping up on me when I'm most vulnerable. Judging someone because of their looks or appearance, not making time for me because I don't have time, or hatred towards recent life situations. The goal of this experiment is to "release the blocks to the awareness of love's presence on the inside, rather than finding love on the outside."

Honesty is a a scary thing, being vulnerable is even more scary. Ultimately to find happiness being scared and vulnerable have to happen. Finding yourself will be totally worth the struggle! 

Namaste *Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter One

Embarking on a new journey is tough. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. Honestly full of SHIT. Life is hard, transformation is hard, change is hard ... But it is always for the better and I emphasize the always. In starting my transformation it was solely physical - I wanted to lose weight, (okay fine I wanted to lose all the fat and cellulite that I had on my body), be confident, be sexy, and be healthy. I have achieved some of those things and I am making progress towards the rest. I am always making progress. Everyday is a reminder and a new day to make a teeny tiny bit more progress. Some days I make more progress than others, but have learned to not let the bad days deter me from my goals and dreams. 

In recent months my transformation has taken a mental and emotional change as well. I have deepened my yoga practice, achieved my goal of being a yoga instructor, learned to be less harsh and critical and judgmental but am still struggling with that last part. And yoga is a lifelong journey which I am so blessed to be on. 

Thanks to a recent breakup, from a person I had envisioned spending my life with, I realized that I have changed. I am no longer that overweight unhappy not confident girl...that girl that shared in the judgements and thought that being sarcastic and judging was funny. It's not. Let me repeat that IT IS NOT FUNNY. 

I used to talk just to talk and say things because I thought I had to. I wanted to be liked and loved and all of that outward judging was just a reflection of how I felt on the inside. I felt unhappy and fat and gross and depressed and anxious and stressed and a million other things. I portrayed that on others. 

In chapter 1 of Gabrielle Bernstein's book "Spirit Junkie," she talks about the "ego" - and that the ego's soul purpose is to convince us that love isn't real so that we believe in the fearful thinking of the world. The ego is our darkness, our fear, our internal bully. The ego loves to make us the victim. "The fearful projection that the ego inflicts on us becomes what we perceive to be our reality." No thanks to this we are left with feelings of fear, hatred, guilt, unworthiness, unhappiness and are prone to attack. 

Chapter One ends with a meditation on Negative Thought Patterns: listing off negative thoughts that the ego creates in us and denying its reality by responding with the loving response of "love did not create it, and so it is not real." 

My thoughts were/are as follows: 

1. I am unworthy of happiness. 

2. I am unworthy of a loving and supportive relationship with a man. 

3. I am not enough. 

4. I can't give myself fully to another person. 

As you can see there is a pattern... I believe that this pattern and my behaviors stem from the loss of my father 5 years ago. And now a self-induced and self-inflicted and for allllllll the wrong reasons poor relationship with my mother. I have grieved my father and have accepted his death. He is on a pedestal. A pedestal I use for comparison. Totally unfair. So in moving forward I acknowledge the past and my ego and respect what it has done and taught me. I move forward knowing that life's struggles are what make us strong and who we are. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. If it was this life would be a Lucky Charms box... And I'm thankful it isn't because I hate cereal. 

Remember this "We are all born into a state of love, in which we see everyone as equal," - Gabby Bernstein