Spirit Junkie Chapter Nine

Well it's definitely been a while on this one! This book was a huge life-changer for me and when the time is right, the blog is right.

Chapter Nine of Spirit Junkie was all about how the spirit can become your boyfriend! Sounds silly right? But it works.

Working towards the process of forgiveness and love. I can say that I am working my way towards feeling full forgiveness towards those that I feel have hurt me in the past. I know that I am the one that has the power over my thoughts and feelings. However, people do and say hurtful things and as an adult I am allowed to have feelings of hurt and anger. However, I do not want to hold onto those feelings forever. Negative feelings are exhausting. I am not a negative person and do not like the way that I feel, or the person I become, when I am under a negative influence.

Restoring our thoughts back to "right-mindedness" is what this chapter is about. Using your ~ing to guide you from fear, attack, judgement into a place of forgiveness and happiness. The past couple of months have been difficult for me and my family can attest to that. In the past my answer was always to run from the problem and push people out of my life solely because it was the easiest way I could get away from the hurt. Well, let's face it.. I'm 30, and as a 30 year old I shouldn't be just running away from my feelings. I am capable and knowledgeable enough to handle my feelings. Taking my own advice has helped me work through the hurt, although it will be an ongoing process. 

By building and nurturing the relationship with our ~ing we can find all the love that we need is inside of us. We must love ourselves before we can love someone else. ~ing will also provide feelings of comfort, security, loving experiences, inspiration, support and guidance, and feelings of loneliness will slowly disappear. Although I do not spend as much time in meditation as I would like, the time that I do spend has helped me to connect to my spirit. One of my goals this year is to become more connected to my inner self and to build a trustworthy relationship with myself that is full of love, security, comfort and support.

The activity for this chapter included:
1. Making a list of all of the ways in which you feel your spirit - this can be during meditation, playing an instrument, listening to music, running, walking, being around a certain person.
2. Be Mindful - Pay attention to the moments in which you feel your spirit
3. Add Water - take time to water your spirit. If you feel your spirit during yoga, make it a priority to do more yoga.

"To Heal Is To Make Happy" 

Lessons Learned...in Love

What can I say... so many words and no clue where to start. I have learned entirely too much about myself and others during these past 6 months.

Love, as defined, is an intense feeling of deep affection.  

I have learned so many things about myself, others, and what I am looking for in relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well.

This journey, and transformation, has taught me that settling for anything isn't an option. This journey has also taught me that I don't have to settle. I can fight for what I want. I can wait for what I want. I do not have to keep the negative and stale energy in my life. I can and will bring positive energy and light into my life in all areas and through all things.

By keeping those negative influences in my life, I am only dragging myself down. By releasing the things and people in my life, I can generate more energy and make room for personal growth in relationships that I want to nurture.

Shall we have a look at what I have learned?

1. You do not need food and alcohol to have a good time. The company you keep make the experience...the amazing hamburger and cold beer only last for so long.

2. Walking outside with an old friend will lead to serious learnings.

2.5. Walking outside with a new friend will give you insight into things you may not otherwise have been given.

3. Being outside alone is incredibly soothing for the mind, body, and soul.

4. The gym and weight rack are my saving grace. Find yours - you will be amazed at what happens in your life!

5. It is okay if the person you once thought you were going to spend your life with, isn't that person anymore. This was the hardest part for me, but being unhappy was even harder. And trust me on this - I did thank myself in the long run and am happier. Even if you are single - it's pretty cool to be single!

6. Friendships will change. For better and worse. Basically it works like this - they either support the life change or the don't. If they do, they want to know about it and ask about it and ask about you and still include you in their life. If they don't, they won't ask...they won't care.

7. Nourish the friendships that support you. Nourish new friendships that support you and come to you during this time. They are the ones that will teach you something and most likely last.

8. Get to used to your lifestyle. Get used to the fact that you spend a stupid amount of time in the gym and an even stupider (yeah I used stupider, get over it) amount of time in your active wear.... If you need a little laugh watch this video!

9. Put down your phone. When you are with the people you love just put it down. When you are with new people just put it down. Be present with the people you are surrounded by.

10. Learn everything you can from everything that you can. Use each new opportunity as a learning experience. Learn to trust your instincts and your emotions. Learn to trust yourself. damnit..JUST LEARN!!!

11. Lastly, love yourself. Love who you have become on the inside. Understand that none of this would be possible without your determination and dedication. You will be tested - how you react to the tests will be the most difficult and rewarding part of the experience. Be proud of the journey that you are one, the transformation that you have made, the new lifestyle that you have developed.

Take each day as it comes...moment to moment. Live in the moment. Appreciate the ups and downs, the highs and lows. Be thankful for the people you do have. Be even more thankful for the life that you have. Be thankful that you have the choice to make a change, no matter what area of life needs changing you can make the decision to change it.

~~Ryanne 

Cancer

A little over 4 years ago my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. Small cell carcinoma with an unknown primary to be exact. 6 weeks after his diagnosis he passed away. At home. In the bed provided by Hospice. The 6 weeks that we did have were the longest 6 weeks of my life. 5 weeks spent in the hospital. One week in the ICU on life support because his lungs were so filled with pneumonia and infection that he couldn't breath on his own. 4 weeks spent in and out of radiology, one round of chemo, and the rest so highly drugged that he was either alert enough to think that bugs were all over him or practically comatose. After he came out of the ICU, he recovered for one week in the hospital and then was able to go on comfort care and go home. He didn't even make it 24 hours at home, he passed the morning after being placed into his bed. 

The last word my Dad ever said to me were "am I going to die?" - these words were said when he was coming out of the drug induced coma in the ICU. Long enough to see if he could breathe on his own. I will never forget that moment. The image is forever burned into my mind and eyes. 

Over 4 years have passed and I have dealt with this loss. I have accepted the fact that my life will never be the same, that my children will never know their grandfather, that my dad will miss so many important milestones in my life. I have accepted that. Yes it's hard, yes it's gets easier, but it's still surreal. 

Moving forward to the current time, I am living in a world of dejavu. My uncle was recently diagnosed with cancer, about 6 weeks ago in fact. He has not been doing so well, and as of today he will be placed on Hospice in the next couple of days. He never received chemo or radiation. The doctors said the cancer is so far spread that all they can do is make him comfortable. You can't even begin to process things in that short amount of time. To think about what you are leaving behind: a wife, 2 children, and 4 grandchildren. A legacy, a future, all at an age that is far too young to die at. 

My heart hurts so bad every time I hear about Cancer. Maybe because I am incredibly sensitive to this disease and know that it can ravage the body and tear families apart and bring them to their lowest points. Maybe because it sucks. Cancer fucking sucks. Cancer seriously fucking sucks. Let's all accept that, regardless of if you enter remission or not cancer fucking sucks. 

I am overwhelmingly exhausted by loss in my life. The loss of those alive, dead, and dying. In full respect, I know that loss is a part of life. I accept that. For those people who have lived their life to the fullest and are ready to pass. Not for those who are 48, as my Dad was, or those in their 50's or 60's. You haven't lived your life and experienced all that it has to offer by then. Hell, you probably aren't even retired yet. Honestly, it isn't fair. It isn't fair to the people that don't get a chance to fight. The ones that have so little time they barely get to process what has happened before it ends. Before the world goes black, and you go to a better place. 

I find comfort in knowing that there is a better place. Anything is better than watching someone suffer so badly from the pain of having their body eaten alive by tumors and cancer. The comfort in knowing that they are pain free and no longer suffering. Comfort in having family to support you when you are suffering and trying to comprehend losing a major person in your life. Comfort in knowing that the time you had together was what was meant to be, and because of that time you have memories to cherish forever.  

The aftermath is the hardest. Once the funeral is over, real life has to begin again. You have to pick yourself up and go on with life. Everyone grieves differently. That should be respected and acknowledged. However, you can't just stop living your life and decide to hate everyone in it and the world because you are still alive. You get to live this life. Sure it's hard as hell, probably one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you do it. You do it because if you don't you'll go crazy. Learning to rely on those around you is the most important. Not everyday is going to be rainbows and butterflies, you will be lucky if you get a few of those a month for the first few months. But it does get easier, the pain goes away little by little and you become thankful for the time that you did have and the memories that you get to keep forever. Slowly life will resume like normal. 

After 4 years, I've gotten better about talking about my dad. It's always a reality check, like a little heart punch, when I tell someone that he died. They give you the sad face, and throw a little internal pity party and say they're sorry, but they really feel bad for you. And that's okay. After 4 years of telling people I still get the same reaction. And I've perfected my response to a simple "Thank You." 

~R