Body Talk

Real talk y'all. I'm 19 days out. 19 FREAKING DAYS from my very first bikini bodybuilding competition. The last couple of weeks have been brutal to say the least. This journey and transformation has taught me an insane amount about myself!

 First - I have to acknowledge the woman that brought me into this world. Without her, my life would be entirely different. With her I am stronger. This journey has taught me that holding onto the past won't solve anything, if anything it makes you more resentful and more tired. Holding on to negativity is tiring and wears on you on every level. I am so grateful for my Mom and so happy that we are moving forward with our relationship. 

NOW - Let's get down to some business. The business of the body. The business of the brain. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) - is a severe, SEVERE, psychiatric diagnosis. So please take that into consideration as you venture further into this blog. 

Persons with BDD are often negatively fixated on a specific part of the body that doesn't truly have a flaw. For example, negatively focusing on acne scarring that is there but not noticeable to the general public. More often than not, sufferers of BDD will spend hours of time and lots of money thinking about and trying to correct the problem. Many people with BDD also suffer from other psychiatric illnesses like anxiety, depression, and/or OCD. 

Now you may say Ryanne - what in the hell does this have to do with weight loss, weight lifting, and body image and body transformation? Let me tell you... Here's a secret - A LOT. For some people. Let's take a looksie at my progress pictures - 

That face tho! My face has changed. Significantly. BUT some days when I look in the mirror, that chubby faced girl on the left is the one staring right back at me. And then, all day it's that face I see and that face I fixate on.  

Now the same goes for my body. That picture on the right was taken this morning 9/20/15 - I weigh 136 pounds. Unofficially, I have roughly 14% body fat. That is 44 pounds less than the picture on the right. 

The hard part is this - mornings when I wake up and feel lean I feel great all day. Other mornings when I feel bloated - instantly in my head I am the girl on the left. 180 pounds and a size 12-14. And all day, this is how I believe people see me. 

People comment on my weight loss all the time. Daily. Multiple times a day. I knew I was going to right a blog on this, so in preparation I began to pay close attention to my comments back to people. On days I don't feel so awesome and skinny, my comments are negative... "No, I don't look good." "No, I still have weight to lose." "No, I'm so bloated and fat." yeah not classy or cool. 

On days I feel good, however, I respond with positive comments and enthusiasm. "Thank you!" "Yes, I still have a few weeks to go but I feel great." way cooler and way more classy. (and people like you more when you are happy with your progress...trust me on that one. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain about how fat she is.) 

In talking with friends, who also compete and have had significant weight loss, I have found that many of them have similar feelings about BDD and what they see in the mirror. Because I'm a big proponent of research (#psychmajor) I found a great article, although not proven, on Muscle Dysmorphia, which is more directed towards bodybuilders and competitors. I definitely recommend the read if you are interested, and you can find it right here !!

A great motivator, who I admire for her strength and beauty and incredible journey, told me this when I asked her if she experiences any BDD issues "All the time. I don't know if I ever see the "real" me. I even notice when I give adjustments that I don't get in as close as I could because I think my body is way bigger than it actually is. I don't know if my brain will catch up with reality once I hit goal and I stop changing sizes? I just know I definitely see myself as bigger than I actually am... I almost always see the old me to some extent. Both. Some days I get SUPER discouraged and it makes we want to give up and eat junk food kind of as a rebellion. Some days it motivates me" ~Kitty Norton (Yoga Teacher And Beautiful Soul)

As I have mentioned in my previous post Image of Body - the brain can seriously play tricks on us. You must learn to be stronger and to trust your body and the way that you feel. Learning to listen to your body is key. Knowing that everyday will be different, and accepting that, will do wonders for your peace of mind. And let the clothes do the talking. I was wearing a size 6 forever, mainly because I'm cheap, but then bought a 4 off the rack "because no way in hell am I smaller than that." BUT they were too damn big. I went and bought a 2. They fit. I'm a flipping size 2. I haven't been that size since Kindergarten OKAY!? 

My whole point is this - TRUST IS CRITICAL. Trust your body, Learn to trust your mind, and most of all LOVE YOURSELF. Everyday tell yourself "I love you and I am beautiful." 

And if you want some basics on self-talk here you go!

Ryanne 

#BOSUStrong

5 THINGS THAT MAKE ME #BOSUStrong

Today I am embarking on a 4 week challenge with BOSU and Sweat Pink to prove to the world that I am #BOSUSTRONG. Being #BOSUSTRONG means I make fitness part of my everyday life, at home, out and about, and with my friends and family.I will squat, mountain climb, plank, push-up, lunge, bicep curl  and shoulder press my way to a stronger and more healthy body.  And I will encourage my friends and family to join me on this fun journey because we are one big, happy #FitFamily.

Being #BOSUStrong is not just about movement, sweat, or even owning a BOSU, its about being a leader, an inspiration to others, and sharing my own fitness journey with others. It’s about not letting _work and _life excuses stand in my way of sweating and getting strong! The 5 things that make me #BOSUStrong are:

My strong_arms_____________________.

My ability to__Persevere__________________.

My love for__health and wellness____________________.

My healthy __happy lifestyle___________________.

And my ____SELF - me me me _____________________.

So I want to know - are you #BOSUStrong? Copy and paste the above, fill it in and make it your own and then tag me in it and share with your friends! Let’s all be #BOSUSTRONG.

~~~ RYANNE

Image of Body

Happy Sunday Loves.... 

Shall we chat about body image and the mental mind fuck that goes on thanks to the brain? I think we shall. by definition the brain is defined as: an organ of soft nervous tissue contained in the skull of vertebrates, functioning as the coordinating center of sensation and intellectual and nervous activity. that's a pretty legit definition. 

First - a soft organ - if you've never seen/felt a brain it's pretty cool! Second, it's not pretty cool that the brain can manipulate every part of our being. 

Third - the coordinating center of sensation, intellectual, and nervous activity. Hmmm...hold on. THE COORDINATING CENTER. This is where it gets real. The brain controls all of our activity, all of our sensations, all of our everything and being. The soft, three-pound, organ is the powerhouse of everything that we are as human beings. If you want my opinion, that is ridiculously awesome and incredible!!! 

Now, onto the topic at hand. Body Image. Here is some information from NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) 

Body image is tricky. Super tricky. Basically it's the equivalent of being on a roller coaster with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, and different emotions. The most difficult part is that this is all controlled by that soft organ up in our head. 

When I first started my competition training back in May, I was confident. Confident in who I was as a person and about 60% confident with my body. Sure, I had issues with my stomach, my big ass, and my thick thighs. but overall I felt good. I had a good job, graduated college, had a boyfriend, a dog, a roof over my head and food in my belly.

I had negative body image at this point in my life. Not super thrilled with the way I looked but accepted it. I would pick at things daily and weigh myself constantly thinking I would never look any different. 

Fast forward to 20 weeks into my training and transformation and my body image has changed significantly. I should preface these next paragraphs with this: this morning, 9/6/2015, my body image was negative. 

Yesterday was my last cheat meal. I am 34 days out from my first bikini competition and yesterday was the last cheat meal. Shit is getting real. My body has changed so significantly in the past 20 weeks that my mind cannot wrap it's head around the changes. My girlfriend and I went to lunch/dinner and I ate. I ate like it was the last supper. In one word it was GLORIOUS! My girlfriend also took pictures and when I looked at the pictures I realized how much my body really has changed. 

My first thoughts were "god I'm skinny, I need to eat something." I'm in this in-between phase where my fat is breaking down and I am loose and jiggly and my skin feels papery and weird. I feel skinny. I feel too skinny. I'm hungry. I feel like I look gross. Nothing fits right. I look like a kindergartner in pants. ---- Those were all the thoughts that ran through my head. HOW EMBARRASSING. HOW SAD.... 

Left - June 2014      ------     Right - 9/5/15

How sad it is that I actually thought those terrible things about myself. Now - thankfully I am part of a great team and my coach is amazing. After talking it through with him he reminded me that I'm not skinny. I'm fit and healthy. I am strong. I am transforming. and "If people aren't talking you aren't doing it right." 

This transformation isn't easy. Right now I am 90% confident in my body and 100% confident in my person. 90% because I am a work in progress. My body will continue to evolve over these next 6 weeks and I am okay with that. This is my goal. My goal I am determined to achieve. I still pick at things and know that each day is going to be different. I am still adjusting to my new body. My eyes catch things in the mirror and my mind says "damn girl, you look good!" and some days it says "dang girl..you need some rest." It's a process. 

This process isn't for everyone else. This process is for me. This is my journey, my life, my transformation. The comments mean things are working. I know that I am fit and healthy and strong and active. I have muscles. I love the gym. I love how I look in clothes. My mind - my brain - tells me these things. My brain allows me to wake up each morning, dress myself, go to the gym to lift heavy weights, go to work, eat, sleep, breathe, and live. My soft three-pound organ lets me to all of those things. 

This is my life. My lifestyle. And it's just for me...not for anyone else. Journeys are meant to be done with a smile. Going forward, even if the struggle is real...the smile game will be on point. If you can't have fun and be happy, it won't be worth it! 

~Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Six

Chapter six....Relationships are assignments. I repeat RELATIONSHIPS ARE ASSIGNMENTS.

This chapter is about how we view and treat relationships, how we become co-dependent, how we change the person that we are to be the person that we think we should be. So tragic...that the ego actually makes us believe that we aren't cool enough or that we aren't enough without that special someone.

Props can go to the ego for making us fall into these traps. Guilt being a main trap that the ego sucks us into quite often. "Guilt is the feeling we experience as a response to the belief that we've sinned against love - it's a projection of the sadness we have for neglecting love." SAY WHAT!!!! Sinning against love - that's a thought.

"Unconsciously we believe we deserve punishment because we turned our back on love." 

Pretty deep AND pretty true. We are able to relieve our guilt by attacking others.

****The entire point of this chapter is to have the willingness to see relationships as assignments. I, you, we, have to agree to show up for whatever comes our way. Be willing to grow, be open to new experiences, BE OPEN TO THE UNIVERSE BRINGING IN SOMEONE THAT YOU NEVER EXPECTED.

Siding with the ~ing is the best part. Asking for help and being open to help. 

The assignment for this chapter was a meditation followed by a free-writing experiment on "How have I projected my fear onto others?" - In short, I use feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness as a reason for fighting and I use defense mechanisms to block and shut out the people in my life in order to protect myself. I talk negatively to myself and about myself to others.

The next, and most important step, is to SHOW UP. Recognize the assignment and show up for it. By seeing love in the face of another person you know the true meaning of oneness. 

Lastly, "when you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself. 

~Ryanne

Transformation Thinkings

Well where to begin. I feel like life is hurling bricks at me non-stop for the past few weeks. BUT I won't be knocked down. I may get hurt but I won't be broken. As I think about this journey and all that I've accomplished I realize that it's becoming more spiritual than anything else. 

Things I am willing to admit: I am learning how to find myself. I am 30. I am single...again. I have no children and am okay with that. I have daddy issues. I have mommy issues. I am 30. I have a good job that pays the bills and supports my lifestyle. I have the best group of friends around. I. Have a support system. I am learning. Always learning. 

Learning is important. Without it we cannot grow. Without growth we become stagnant. Then we end up like a mosquito and annoy the shit out of ourself and others! I'm learning that I need to set my goals and keep my focus on them. I am learning that who I am today is NOT the same person I was last month, and definitely not the same person I was 6 months ago. 

Six months ago I was finishing up my undergraduate degree, starting a new job, moving in with my boyfriend, thought I was happy but all I wanted to do was runaway from life and move back to Georgia. Runaway from life...... If you're confused just know that is not a good place to be. 

Today I am not in college, not starting a new job, single and moved out of my ex-boyfriends, and emotionally drained but I'm happy. I have no desire to runaway anymore. Minnesota is my home. Georgia was my escape. After much effort in my relationship and numerous attempts at trying to make something work, he brought to my attention that we have gotten each other this far and we need to accept that this is where it ends. We've both grown and made progress together and now it's time to do it apart. He will always have a special place in my heart. 

Today I am 21 pounds lighter than I was in May. I am strong. Physically, mentally, and emotionally strong. I am turning my spiritual weakness into a strength and finding out who I am really am as a person. As an individual I want to be confident and strong in all aspects. I want an unwavering faith in who I am and what I want out life. I have an idea but I know it's always a work in progress. 

As the next six weeks come around I can only imagine how much more I will learn about myself. Through reading, yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging, and my competition prep my life is just getting on the right tracks towards a life of happiness that I am creating!! 

As my tattoo says "I am the designer of my own catastrophe!" And I fully intend to keep it that way. 

Just know, life is hard. Shit fucking sucks. You can't be prepared for what life is going to throw at you. You can take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and make a decision about how you want to react and create your outcome. I don't wake up everyday jacked on life. Most days I want to throw my alarm all the way to Japan, but I don't. Life doesn't stop because shitty stuff happens. If anything, it gets more chaotic and busy and stressful. So you, YEAH YOU, get up out of bed, take a moment to acknowledge that you get to take in oxygen for another day, harvest feelings of gratitude towards yourself and the life that you have, get some coffee, put on your stretchy pants and go to the gym, or journal, or meditate.....do what makes you happy and what will set your day off to a great start. Put on a little lipstick..for you NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE! Do you. Make yourself happy. Shine your light bright. And know this.. People will judge, they always do, but that is their insecurities and jealousy shining through and it is not a reflection of you as a person. 

~Ryanne 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Five

In hopes to clear my mind before bed, I am going to enlighten you a little bit on Chapter Five - which is called "The F Word." 

I learned a lot in this chapter. Primarily about how to forgive and how important forgiveness is. Almost everything I have done this past week has included some type of message on forgiveness.... odd right? No, it's a sign. I need to forgive people in my life, forgive situations that have happened, and know that these aren't acts of betrayal or hurt, but acts that are meant to make me stronger as an individual. 

Spirit Junkie says that "by defending myself I was making things worse." By defending my actions and my wrongdoings, I was making things worse. We must chose to remain defenseless in order to remain in the present moment. Don't dwell on the past, don't bring up the past in an argument, just stay present. Yes it's hard...so hard..but you CAN do it. I promise. 

By forgiving other people we aren't just letting them off the hook, we are doing something far more important. We are releasing ourselves of the negativity, the hurt, the pain, the struggle, and most importantly THE EGO. The ego convinces us that we are separate from the situation, that we are the victim... we aren't. 

Often times the act of forgiveness allows us to realize that we aren't mad at the other person, we are mad at ourselves. This was a huge realization for me. I am mad at myself for a number of reasons. Primarily, for not being able to keep my relationship together (But that's an entirely different post). 

By practicing the F word we learn that "When we connect to light within others, you can see them as equal and release your resentments." The ego's walls of separation are torn down and we can unite as one. 

Breakin' Down the F Word: 

Step 1. Recognize the illusion: Remember, in each situation we have 2 CHOICES: ONE IS TO SEE THE DARKENESS, THE OTHER IS TO SEE THE LIGHT. By choosing to see the darkness, we strengthen our own inner darkness, and when we see the light we shine from the inside out. 

Question: How have I chosen to see darkness in this situation? 

     A: Placing blame, being defensive, arguments, not taking ownership, silence, harboring old negative feelings. 

Step 2. Release Judgement: Take time to release judgments. This one is HUGE for me. HUGE HUGE HUGE. In my journey over the past 5 months, I have become increasingly quiet due to my lack of feelings to be judgmental towards others. 

Question: How have I been judging? 

     A: Lifestyle choices such as diet and exercise, significant others/partners, Careers, Goals, Motivation and lack of motivation. 

Step 3: Be willing to forgive: 'Do you prefer to be right or happy? The willingness to release the need to be right is a major step toward forgiveness." 

Step 4: Ask you ~ing for help: Ask for help and be patient. Trust the process and stay willing to the process. Like everything it takes time. Let your inner spirit guide you to forgiveness, don't force it and DO NOT GIVE UP ON IT! 

Lastly, don't be afraid to have feelings and emotions and to be a real human being. We are designed to feel, some more than others, but that doesn't lessen the fact that moving forward in life and in any spiritual journey is hard. You can cry, laugh, punch the pillow, karate chop and block, or whatever it is you need to do to work through your individual issues. For me, I am highly sensitive...like beyond sensitive, but I act like a hard ass because I have to. I cry ( a lot, no exaggeration) and I get mad but I direct my feelings toward something. Towards things like becoming the best me I can be, inside and outside. So don't say that you can't or that you won't make it. You will. You have to. If you don't, you will be miserable and forever the victim on a vicious cycle of unhappiness. No one wants that for themselves or for others. Get out there and do you - find your happiness and find your journey. 

~Ryanne 

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Spirit Junkie Chapter Four

In continuing with the Spirit Junkie journey... Chapter four is all about asking for help. 

This chapter talks about denial and how we often trick ourselves into thinking that we are not good enough in certain or all areas of our life and that we often seek out ways to define ourself. There is often a looming little thought that we are not enough, or just not good enough. Not good enough to be in a successful relationship, not good enough professionally, not good enough to be whatever it is that you struggle with. Therefore, we find new ways to define who we are. If we struggle with relationships we pursue business or other outlets that we can become successful at. 

For me, I struggle with relationships. Due to this struggle, I find ways to make myself busy and to become good at things. Going back to school was a big one for me. I needed to prove that I was good enough to get my undergraduate degree. Good enough to make it in the field of psychology. (Which I'm still progressing towards...but graduate degrees are expensive and serious time commitments). 

The real progress is made when we ask for help. When we take it upon ourself to ask ourself for help. As hard as that may be, it's a freeing experience. When I first started this book I had already begun to ask for help in forgiveness. I need help forgiving the people that I feel have hurt me in any way. Listening to my inner guide/spirit (~ing) is what it all comes down to. As the book says "The soul purpose of our ~ing is to guide our thoughts back to love." I need to awaken my inner guide and trust her and trust that she will guide me towards forgiveness and love. HELL NO, it won't happen overnight but it will happen. Our ~ing does not judge the process and is patient with us. The key point is remembering to listen to her. 

In surrendering to our ~ing there are three steps: 

1. Gently surrender 

2. Ask for help - through the use of prayer, journaling, or internal dialogue. Find what works best for you. 

3. Wait patiently for a response - this can be in the form of intuition, an inner voice, or an external message. 

Now now now - yeah I know what you're thinking, "you want me to be patient?!?! BUT I've surrendered and asked...." Trust me and trust yourself. Just wait and be patient. Remember good things come to those who wait.