Happiness

What is happiness? What is being happy? What does being happy and happiness mean, look like, feel like, sound like? How do we find happiness in a world so full of tragedy and sadness? I came across this post on social media a while back and it got me thinking about happiness. How do I go from point A of being not happy to point B of being happy.... to leading a happy life and finding the happy parts in everything. 

Generally, I am a very optimistic person. I find the good in almost all situations, and will seek out the good if it's not waiting right there for me to grab a hold of. Generally. I have my bad days. I have points in time where I am negative, judgmental, irritable, rude, and not happy. We all do. Human being have emotions, we are meant to feel things. I feel more than others. I do not enjoy the way I feel when I am in a negative place. Not in the slightest.

 So I find the happy parts of life. I find a beautiful sunrise or sunset in the midst of an unfair life event. I go to the gym. I go for a walk with friends. I ask for someone to tell me something good when I am struggling. I spend time with one of the most amazing women in my life, My Grandmother. Nothing will turn your world around than spending time with a woman who have raised 5 kids, lost one child, and recently lost her life partner of over 50 years and still keeps a smile on her face, makes silly faces, and laughs with her whole body and heart. I find happiness. 

I won't deny that seeking out happiness is hard. There is so much negative thrown in our faces daily that it's easy to get wrapped up in it. Seeking the happy moments or one positive thing in a negative situation can turn your world around so greatly. I struggled with this early on in my competition prep. I struggled a lot with finding positive moments in my younger life. Now, I find them in every situation. Life is what you make it. Don't run on sadness or negativity. Life is too short and great to be negative. Being negative takes much more energy than being positive. Leave the world a better, happier place. Let your heart be warm with feelings of happiness. Ask for help if you need it. Look at puppy pictures, listen to a good song, or ask a friend or loved one to tell you something good. You'd be surprised at what you get and how quickly your mood can turn around! 

Be Happy

Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight of Spirit Junkie is about accepting the invitation. We must "Seek to change nothing, but merely to accept everything." In thinking about that quote, it really takes us deeper and brings us to a more clear connection with out Spirit. Reminding myself to stay connected to my inner light and to keep inviting the light and love of the spirit in, is constantly the challenge. 

This chapter really taught me that I was ready to love myself, and that I needed to love myself again in order to move on and to find love again in other people. Through my prep, and this book, I have learned that I do not need food, alcohol, or negative relationships to make me feel fulfilled. I have learned that all the love I need is inside of me. My inner connection to myself is what fulfills me daily. I am able to maintain my positive energy and outlook on life. 

Key points in accepting the invitation: 

1. Say YES to Spirit: If you are ready to connect to your spirit - say yes! 

2. Unblock: The more you believe, the more you will receive! 

3. Listen: Meditate and listen to your ~ing. 

~Ryanne 

The Transformation

Wow. That is all I can say about these past 24 weeks. My life has been forever changed in more ways than words can ever describe. BUT here goes…

I walked into Dusty’s office with the intention that I wanted to lose weight, get healthy, and possibly compete. I left Dusty’s office an hour later knowing that I was 160lbs, 28% body fat, and stepping on stage in a tiny ass bikini on October 10^th and 17^th, 2015. Yeah, that’s real life.

My prep began in May and I was so excited. I thought I had everything in life a girl could want. I finished my undergrad in psychology, I got a job teaching yoga, I enjoyed my job at the hospital, I had a boyfriend, a roof over my head, and a good support system.

This prep though, it makes you emotional. It challenges you in ways you didn’t know you could or would ever be challenged. You are forced to learn about yourself and the other people in your life. I cried almost daily, and 90% of those tears were shed in the gym. The gym became my safe place when my world turned upside down.

Fast forward three months to August. My prep was not difficult, I actually had it easy compared to some and had very few low days. The low days though, are what get you. The bad days attack and eat you alive. August was THE WORST. In August, my boyfriend and I broke up, and very shortly after that my grandfather passed away. I had been married, divorced, and lost my father to cancer by the time I was 26 and none of that compares to this. I used to run to food and alcohol to suppress my feelings. I used food and alcohol as a way to bond and build relationships. This time, I couldn’t do that.

I showed up to multiple sessions with Dusty crying. The session after my grandfather passed will be an hour of my life that I never forget. I had lost 4 pounds in a little over a week, and was a mess. I walked through the door and Dusty took one look at me and said get in my truck we aren’t training today. We spent that hour talking about everything. Past, present, and future. Holding in the negativity wasn’t going to get anywhere. Letting it go and moving on is what needed to happen and so it did.

I was not perfect on my prep. I binge ate almond butter, I had mixed nuts when I shouldn’t have. But we’re human. Prep is hard. I learned so much about myself as a person. I have been able to forgive people in my life and let go of past hurt in order to move forward in a positive relationship. I have found a confidence and a love for myself that I didn’t know was possible. I have found who my true support system is in my family and friends. The best part is that I gained an entirely new family in the Renovation Training team, through thick and thin they have become home to me.

I stepped on stage on October 10^th and 17^th knowing that I did the best I could and that no matter what the outcome I have a life to be so proud of. This journey is my trophy, and it’s the best trophy a girl could ask for. 

Hemp Hearts - goodies and giveaway

Hey Friendsssss! Let's talk about an amazing heart and body healthy food that the entire family will love!

Manitoba Harvest  Hemp Hearts are raw shelled hemp seeds that are:

• Great tasting - Hemp Hearts have a slightly nutty taste, similar to a sunflower seed or pine nut.
• Easy to use - Simply sprinkle Hemp Hearts on salad, cereal & yogurt, add to smoothies and recipes, or eat them straight from the package!
• Nutritious - per 30 gram serving, Hemp Hearts contain 10 grams of plant-based protein and 10 grams of Omegas.
• Hemp Hearts have more protein and omegas and less carbs than the same serving of chia or flax.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE THAT!

How do I eat Hemp Hearts? Let me tell you! I eat them in my oats everyday! Basically - you can make your oats however you prefer and then sprinkle the hemp hearts on top! Personally I love oatmeal, and could eat it all day everyday without tiring of it thankfully! As you can see, I added chopped walnuts, sunflower seeds, apple, banana, almond butter, and hemp hearts to my bowl of oats on this day! 

Hemp Hearts are also great sprinkled in salads, on eggs, or mixed in with yogurt! Get creative. You can find tons of recipes on the Manitoba Harvest Recipe Page 

Now for the fun part! Enter for your chance to win your own Hemp Seeds below! Must follow participation rules and guidelines to win! 

• Follow @ManitobaHarvest on Twitter
• Follow @ManitobaHarvest on Instagram
• Tweet about the giveaway using @ManitobaHarvest #hemphearts @FitApproach #sweatpink

Giveaway restrictions: 

• Open to US and Canada residents
• One prize per winner. If your first winner has already won a prize from another SPA, please choose another. Sample disclosure language below, if you’d like to include it in your post
• You are not eligible to win other SPAs’ giveaways

One prize per person. If you win this giveaway, and have already won another prize from Manitoba Harvest through another blog, please disclose that you have already won so we can choose another winner. 

Enjoy! Winner will be announced by November 20th! 

~Ryanne

HempHearts Giveaway

Post-Competition Words

Hey friends - let's talk about post competition life - or OFF-SEASON!!!!

I competed a little over a week ago now and nicely put, this past week was rough. I never imagined that my body would change so drastically from week to week during competition prep, and then even more drastically post competition. I thought I was prepared, but I was not entirely prepared.

First, peak week is all about hydration and dehydration, and adjusting things daily, and carb loading, and not spilling over, and wine or no wine, how much potassium to take and when, did you pee enough today, did you poop yet, do you feel tighter than yesterday, do you feel tighter than this morning? And that's just the basics! 

I spent a lot of time preparing myself for what post comp life was going to be like. I also spent a lot of time mentally preparing and reminding myself that the way I look on show day is not maintainable and that it is for ONE DAY. I told myself for months leading up to the competitions that this is one day only. You will look beyond amazing and better than a majority of the population for one day, maybe two depending on how my body responded. 

Fast forward to after the show. My abs survived the immediate Saturday night binge of a greasy ass appetizer, burger, fries, pumpkin bars, chocolate pie, almond butter, apples, bananas, pumpkin spice cookie butter, a half a beer, wine, and two packages of pop tarts. I woke up Sunday morning feeling like the freaking Hulk. Sunday was all about brunch, flavored coffee (which after having black coffee for 6 months isn't as amazing as I thought it was going to be), a delicious saki bloody mary, the rest of the chocolate pie, chicken wings, more pop tarts, more almond butter, peanut butter, cookie butter, and pizza fries. I basically ate for an entire 24 hours...and I ain't even mad about it.

Monday came around, and I was ready to get back on track. I had a sugar headache and just wasn't feeling super amazing like I was used to feeling. I prepped my meals and went on with the day. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday came. I did well. Prepping my meals and just having one sweet snack during the day. I went back to the gym and was having some amazing pumps. So amazing that I was the most sore I have ever been after my lifts.

Then came Friday. I thought I could fight the urge. I tried to..but not hard enough. I went to cherry berry. WORST IDEA EVER. First off, I have a dairy intolerance..which I am aware of in the past have just prepared to suffer with the consequences. After being completely dairy free for 6 months, my body hated me. I woke up Saturday morning and thought I was dying. The pain was so intolerable I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go to work or not. Needless to say, my morning was a shit show. Saturday at work I binged... on all the cookies and goodness that I haven't been able to experience in months. For no reason, no reason at all. Purely because the sugar demons attacked and I was weak and making excuses. I had so much sugar in my body that my heart started to race and I was having hot flashes.

This morning, Sunday, I woke up feeling hungover, like I had consumed an entire case of wine. It was awful. My head hurt, my body ached, my stomach was yelling at me. I vowed to myself to start my reverse diet and to stick to it. The sugar cravings will subside again, my body will come back to its happy place, and I will feel healthier. Also, all the sugar has caused my skin to flare up and break out. NOT COOL. that is reason enough to stop the sugar.

Basically here's what I have learned one week post competition: 

1. Sugar is a drug. A wicked wicked drug. 
2. You're mind will tell you it's okay when deep down you know it's not. 
3. I eat even if I don't want to - just because it's there. 
4. Restricting food for a long time does damage on the relationship that you have with food, whether you think it will or not, it does. 
5. It takes a long time to feel hydrated after being super depleted. 
6. Food will be there tomorrow, or next week, or the next year. I don't have to eat everything right now. 
7. I am not depriving myself. This is my lifestyle.
8. My body doesn't like bad food - Food is meant to fuel my body not hurt it! 
9. I do not want to throw away the last 6 months of work that I have put in over stupid cookies. 
10. Keeping my goals in mind and visible is important. 
11. Having and USING my support system is an important part of this lifestyle and being successful! 
12. My coach knows everything - pictures and performance don't lie. He knows. Good coaches know. 

I am looking forward to a very long and successful off-season. This time will help me to grow as a person and grow my body to bring an even better package to stage in Spring 2017.

~~Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Seven

Wow it's been a while. Let's get this show back to it's scheduled programming. I have finished the book, however, I took some time to reflect on a few of the chapters and assignments. I also had to focus on myself, nourishing special relationships in my life, and my competition prep.

Chapter Seven is called "The Holy Instant" and learning how to show up for the assignment. It is said, in numerous uses, that "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." We must be ready before we can take on certain tasks and assignments.

Going through my breakup with Matt this chapter resonated with me the most. I needed to learn a lot of things about myself and my relationship with Matt was meant to teach me specific things. There came a point where I had to realized that my relationship with Matt had taught me everything I could learn at that time, and that it was no longer serving me. Once I accepted this, things began to change. Because of this, I was able to forgive him and forgive the fact that our relationship failed, but accept with gratitude and thanks the things that I learned from him and from our time together. I decided to send love and gratitude to him and to find a loving space in which I could cope with the loss.

I had surrendered all of my anger, hate, hurt, and negative emotions around this relationship. Yes, I am sad that it ended. Yes, some days are still a struggle and I miss him. Those are natural feelings, and a part of the grieving process when any human being experiences any type of loss. 

The coolest part is that when my ego starts acting up and bringing in these thoughts about my past relationship, I can acknowledge them and send them on their way in a loving manner. I have no hard feelings surrounding the breakup. In fact, I am so thankful for what it taught me and the time that we had together. By basing my thoughts on love, versus hate, I am happier and more accepting. I am more open to new experiences and relationships that have left or entered my life.

Remembering that I control my thoughts and actions is the key to my daily life. I choose how I want to respond, rather than how I want to react. When I respond, I can think about it. When I react, it's natural it just happens. Workings towards responses rather than reactions has been very helpful. I'm not perfect, sometimes I lose my shit, and I'm okay with that. I use it as a learning opportunity to further better myself. 

~Ryanne

Lessons Learned...in Love

What can I say... so many words and no clue where to start. I have learned entirely too much about myself and others during these past 6 months.

Love, as defined, is an intense feeling of deep affection.  

I have learned so many things about myself, others, and what I am looking for in relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well.

This journey, and transformation, has taught me that settling for anything isn't an option. This journey has also taught me that I don't have to settle. I can fight for what I want. I can wait for what I want. I do not have to keep the negative and stale energy in my life. I can and will bring positive energy and light into my life in all areas and through all things.

By keeping those negative influences in my life, I am only dragging myself down. By releasing the things and people in my life, I can generate more energy and make room for personal growth in relationships that I want to nurture.

Shall we have a look at what I have learned?

1. You do not need food and alcohol to have a good time. The company you keep make the experience...the amazing hamburger and cold beer only last for so long.

2. Walking outside with an old friend will lead to serious learnings.

2.5. Walking outside with a new friend will give you insight into things you may not otherwise have been given.

3. Being outside alone is incredibly soothing for the mind, body, and soul.

4. The gym and weight rack are my saving grace. Find yours - you will be amazed at what happens in your life!

5. It is okay if the person you once thought you were going to spend your life with, isn't that person anymore. This was the hardest part for me, but being unhappy was even harder. And trust me on this - I did thank myself in the long run and am happier. Even if you are single - it's pretty cool to be single!

6. Friendships will change. For better and worse. Basically it works like this - they either support the life change or the don't. If they do, they want to know about it and ask about it and ask about you and still include you in their life. If they don't, they won't ask...they won't care.

7. Nourish the friendships that support you. Nourish new friendships that support you and come to you during this time. They are the ones that will teach you something and most likely last.

8. Get to used to your lifestyle. Get used to the fact that you spend a stupid amount of time in the gym and an even stupider (yeah I used stupider, get over it) amount of time in your active wear.... If you need a little laugh watch this video!

9. Put down your phone. When you are with the people you love just put it down. When you are with new people just put it down. Be present with the people you are surrounded by.

10. Learn everything you can from everything that you can. Use each new opportunity as a learning experience. Learn to trust your instincts and your emotions. Learn to trust yourself. damnit..JUST LEARN!!!

11. Lastly, love yourself. Love who you have become on the inside. Understand that none of this would be possible without your determination and dedication. You will be tested - how you react to the tests will be the most difficult and rewarding part of the experience. Be proud of the journey that you are one, the transformation that you have made, the new lifestyle that you have developed.

Take each day as it comes...moment to moment. Live in the moment. Appreciate the ups and downs, the highs and lows. Be thankful for the people you do have. Be even more thankful for the life that you have. Be thankful that you have the choice to make a change, no matter what area of life needs changing you can make the decision to change it.

~~Ryanne 

Body Talk

Real talk y'all. I'm 19 days out. 19 FREAKING DAYS from my very first bikini bodybuilding competition. The last couple of weeks have been brutal to say the least. This journey and transformation has taught me an insane amount about myself!

 First - I have to acknowledge the woman that brought me into this world. Without her, my life would be entirely different. With her I am stronger. This journey has taught me that holding onto the past won't solve anything, if anything it makes you more resentful and more tired. Holding on to negativity is tiring and wears on you on every level. I am so grateful for my Mom and so happy that we are moving forward with our relationship. 

NOW - Let's get down to some business. The business of the body. The business of the brain. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) - is a severe, SEVERE, psychiatric diagnosis. So please take that into consideration as you venture further into this blog. 

Persons with BDD are often negatively fixated on a specific part of the body that doesn't truly have a flaw. For example, negatively focusing on acne scarring that is there but not noticeable to the general public. More often than not, sufferers of BDD will spend hours of time and lots of money thinking about and trying to correct the problem. Many people with BDD also suffer from other psychiatric illnesses like anxiety, depression, and/or OCD. 

Now you may say Ryanne - what in the hell does this have to do with weight loss, weight lifting, and body image and body transformation? Let me tell you... Here's a secret - A LOT. For some people. Let's take a looksie at my progress pictures - 

That face tho! My face has changed. Significantly. BUT some days when I look in the mirror, that chubby faced girl on the left is the one staring right back at me. And then, all day it's that face I see and that face I fixate on.  

Now the same goes for my body. That picture on the right was taken this morning 9/20/15 - I weigh 136 pounds. Unofficially, I have roughly 14% body fat. That is 44 pounds less than the picture on the right. 

The hard part is this - mornings when I wake up and feel lean I feel great all day. Other mornings when I feel bloated - instantly in my head I am the girl on the left. 180 pounds and a size 12-14. And all day, this is how I believe people see me. 

People comment on my weight loss all the time. Daily. Multiple times a day. I knew I was going to right a blog on this, so in preparation I began to pay close attention to my comments back to people. On days I don't feel so awesome and skinny, my comments are negative... "No, I don't look good." "No, I still have weight to lose." "No, I'm so bloated and fat." yeah not classy or cool. 

On days I feel good, however, I respond with positive comments and enthusiasm. "Thank you!" "Yes, I still have a few weeks to go but I feel great." way cooler and way more classy. (and people like you more when you are happy with your progress...trust me on that one. No one wants to hear the skinny girl complain about how fat she is.) 

In talking with friends, who also compete and have had significant weight loss, I have found that many of them have similar feelings about BDD and what they see in the mirror. Because I'm a big proponent of research (#psychmajor) I found a great article, although not proven, on Muscle Dysmorphia, which is more directed towards bodybuilders and competitors. I definitely recommend the read if you are interested, and you can find it right here !!

A great motivator, who I admire for her strength and beauty and incredible journey, told me this when I asked her if she experiences any BDD issues "All the time. I don't know if I ever see the "real" me. I even notice when I give adjustments that I don't get in as close as I could because I think my body is way bigger than it actually is. I don't know if my brain will catch up with reality once I hit goal and I stop changing sizes? I just know I definitely see myself as bigger than I actually am... I almost always see the old me to some extent. Both. Some days I get SUPER discouraged and it makes we want to give up and eat junk food kind of as a rebellion. Some days it motivates me" ~Kitty Norton (Yoga Teacher And Beautiful Soul)

As I have mentioned in my previous post Image of Body - the brain can seriously play tricks on us. You must learn to be stronger and to trust your body and the way that you feel. Learning to listen to your body is key. Knowing that everyday will be different, and accepting that, will do wonders for your peace of mind. And let the clothes do the talking. I was wearing a size 6 forever, mainly because I'm cheap, but then bought a 4 off the rack "because no way in hell am I smaller than that." BUT they were too damn big. I went and bought a 2. They fit. I'm a flipping size 2. I haven't been that size since Kindergarten OKAY!? 

My whole point is this - TRUST IS CRITICAL. Trust your body, Learn to trust your mind, and most of all LOVE YOURSELF. Everyday tell yourself "I love you and I am beautiful." 

And if you want some basics on self-talk here you go!

Ryanne 

#BOSUStrong

5 THINGS THAT MAKE ME #BOSUStrong

Today I am embarking on a 4 week challenge with BOSU and Sweat Pink to prove to the world that I am #BOSUSTRONG. Being #BOSUSTRONG means I make fitness part of my everyday life, at home, out and about, and with my friends and family.I will squat, mountain climb, plank, push-up, lunge, bicep curl  and shoulder press my way to a stronger and more healthy body.  And I will encourage my friends and family to join me on this fun journey because we are one big, happy #FitFamily.

Being #BOSUStrong is not just about movement, sweat, or even owning a BOSU, its about being a leader, an inspiration to others, and sharing my own fitness journey with others. It’s about not letting _work and _life excuses stand in my way of sweating and getting strong! The 5 things that make me #BOSUStrong are:

My strong_arms_____________________.

My ability to__Persevere__________________.

My love for__health and wellness____________________.

My healthy __happy lifestyle___________________.

And my ____SELF - me me me _____________________.

So I want to know - are you #BOSUStrong? Copy and paste the above, fill it in and make it your own and then tag me in it and share with your friends! Let’s all be #BOSUSTRONG.

~~~ RYANNE

Image of Body

Happy Sunday Loves.... 

Shall we chat about body image and the mental mind fuck that goes on thanks to the brain? I think we shall. by definition the brain is defined as: an organ of soft nervous tissue contained in the skull of vertebrates, functioning as the coordinating center of sensation and intellectual and nervous activity. that's a pretty legit definition. 

First - a soft organ - if you've never seen/felt a brain it's pretty cool! Second, it's not pretty cool that the brain can manipulate every part of our being. 

Third - the coordinating center of sensation, intellectual, and nervous activity. Hmmm...hold on. THE COORDINATING CENTER. This is where it gets real. The brain controls all of our activity, all of our sensations, all of our everything and being. The soft, three-pound, organ is the powerhouse of everything that we are as human beings. If you want my opinion, that is ridiculously awesome and incredible!!! 

Now, onto the topic at hand. Body Image. Here is some information from NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) 

Body image is tricky. Super tricky. Basically it's the equivalent of being on a roller coaster with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, and different emotions. The most difficult part is that this is all controlled by that soft organ up in our head. 

When I first started my competition training back in May, I was confident. Confident in who I was as a person and about 60% confident with my body. Sure, I had issues with my stomach, my big ass, and my thick thighs. but overall I felt good. I had a good job, graduated college, had a boyfriend, a dog, a roof over my head and food in my belly.

I had negative body image at this point in my life. Not super thrilled with the way I looked but accepted it. I would pick at things daily and weigh myself constantly thinking I would never look any different. 

Fast forward to 20 weeks into my training and transformation and my body image has changed significantly. I should preface these next paragraphs with this: this morning, 9/6/2015, my body image was negative. 

Yesterday was my last cheat meal. I am 34 days out from my first bikini competition and yesterday was the last cheat meal. Shit is getting real. My body has changed so significantly in the past 20 weeks that my mind cannot wrap it's head around the changes. My girlfriend and I went to lunch/dinner and I ate. I ate like it was the last supper. In one word it was GLORIOUS! My girlfriend also took pictures and when I looked at the pictures I realized how much my body really has changed. 

My first thoughts were "god I'm skinny, I need to eat something." I'm in this in-between phase where my fat is breaking down and I am loose and jiggly and my skin feels papery and weird. I feel skinny. I feel too skinny. I'm hungry. I feel like I look gross. Nothing fits right. I look like a kindergartner in pants. ---- Those were all the thoughts that ran through my head. HOW EMBARRASSING. HOW SAD.... 

Left - June 2014      ------     Right - 9/5/15

How sad it is that I actually thought those terrible things about myself. Now - thankfully I am part of a great team and my coach is amazing. After talking it through with him he reminded me that I'm not skinny. I'm fit and healthy. I am strong. I am transforming. and "If people aren't talking you aren't doing it right." 

This transformation isn't easy. Right now I am 90% confident in my body and 100% confident in my person. 90% because I am a work in progress. My body will continue to evolve over these next 6 weeks and I am okay with that. This is my goal. My goal I am determined to achieve. I still pick at things and know that each day is going to be different. I am still adjusting to my new body. My eyes catch things in the mirror and my mind says "damn girl, you look good!" and some days it says "dang girl..you need some rest." It's a process. 

This process isn't for everyone else. This process is for me. This is my journey, my life, my transformation. The comments mean things are working. I know that I am fit and healthy and strong and active. I have muscles. I love the gym. I love how I look in clothes. My mind - my brain - tells me these things. My brain allows me to wake up each morning, dress myself, go to the gym to lift heavy weights, go to work, eat, sleep, breathe, and live. My soft three-pound organ lets me to all of those things. 

This is my life. My lifestyle. And it's just for me...not for anyone else. Journeys are meant to be done with a smile. Going forward, even if the struggle is real...the smile game will be on point. If you can't have fun and be happy, it won't be worth it! 

~Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Six

Chapter six....Relationships are assignments. I repeat RELATIONSHIPS ARE ASSIGNMENTS.

This chapter is about how we view and treat relationships, how we become co-dependent, how we change the person that we are to be the person that we think we should be. So tragic...that the ego actually makes us believe that we aren't cool enough or that we aren't enough without that special someone.

Props can go to the ego for making us fall into these traps. Guilt being a main trap that the ego sucks us into quite often. "Guilt is the feeling we experience as a response to the belief that we've sinned against love - it's a projection of the sadness we have for neglecting love." SAY WHAT!!!! Sinning against love - that's a thought.

"Unconsciously we believe we deserve punishment because we turned our back on love." 

Pretty deep AND pretty true. We are able to relieve our guilt by attacking others.

****The entire point of this chapter is to have the willingness to see relationships as assignments. I, you, we, have to agree to show up for whatever comes our way. Be willing to grow, be open to new experiences, BE OPEN TO THE UNIVERSE BRINGING IN SOMEONE THAT YOU NEVER EXPECTED.

Siding with the ~ing is the best part. Asking for help and being open to help. 

The assignment for this chapter was a meditation followed by a free-writing experiment on "How have I projected my fear onto others?" - In short, I use feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness as a reason for fighting and I use defense mechanisms to block and shut out the people in my life in order to protect myself. I talk negatively to myself and about myself to others.

The next, and most important step, is to SHOW UP. Recognize the assignment and show up for it. By seeing love in the face of another person you know the true meaning of oneness. 

Lastly, "when you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself. 

~Ryanne

Transformation Thinkings

Well where to begin. I feel like life is hurling bricks at me non-stop for the past few weeks. BUT I won't be knocked down. I may get hurt but I won't be broken. As I think about this journey and all that I've accomplished I realize that it's becoming more spiritual than anything else. 

Things I am willing to admit: I am learning how to find myself. I am 30. I am single...again. I have no children and am okay with that. I have daddy issues. I have mommy issues. I am 30. I have a good job that pays the bills and supports my lifestyle. I have the best group of friends around. I. Have a support system. I am learning. Always learning. 

Learning is important. Without it we cannot grow. Without growth we become stagnant. Then we end up like a mosquito and annoy the shit out of ourself and others! I'm learning that I need to set my goals and keep my focus on them. I am learning that who I am today is NOT the same person I was last month, and definitely not the same person I was 6 months ago. 

Six months ago I was finishing up my undergraduate degree, starting a new job, moving in with my boyfriend, thought I was happy but all I wanted to do was runaway from life and move back to Georgia. Runaway from life...... If you're confused just know that is not a good place to be. 

Today I am not in college, not starting a new job, single and moved out of my ex-boyfriends, and emotionally drained but I'm happy. I have no desire to runaway anymore. Minnesota is my home. Georgia was my escape. After much effort in my relationship and numerous attempts at trying to make something work, he brought to my attention that we have gotten each other this far and we need to accept that this is where it ends. We've both grown and made progress together and now it's time to do it apart. He will always have a special place in my heart. 

Today I am 21 pounds lighter than I was in May. I am strong. Physically, mentally, and emotionally strong. I am turning my spiritual weakness into a strength and finding out who I am really am as a person. As an individual I want to be confident and strong in all aspects. I want an unwavering faith in who I am and what I want out life. I have an idea but I know it's always a work in progress. 

As the next six weeks come around I can only imagine how much more I will learn about myself. Through reading, yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging, and my competition prep my life is just getting on the right tracks towards a life of happiness that I am creating!! 

As my tattoo says "I am the designer of my own catastrophe!" And I fully intend to keep it that way. 

Just know, life is hard. Shit fucking sucks. You can't be prepared for what life is going to throw at you. You can take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and make a decision about how you want to react and create your outcome. I don't wake up everyday jacked on life. Most days I want to throw my alarm all the way to Japan, but I don't. Life doesn't stop because shitty stuff happens. If anything, it gets more chaotic and busy and stressful. So you, YEAH YOU, get up out of bed, take a moment to acknowledge that you get to take in oxygen for another day, harvest feelings of gratitude towards yourself and the life that you have, get some coffee, put on your stretchy pants and go to the gym, or journal, or meditate.....do what makes you happy and what will set your day off to a great start. Put on a little lipstick..for you NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE! Do you. Make yourself happy. Shine your light bright. And know this.. People will judge, they always do, but that is their insecurities and jealousy shining through and it is not a reflection of you as a person. 

~Ryanne 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Five

In hopes to clear my mind before bed, I am going to enlighten you a little bit on Chapter Five - which is called "The F Word." 

I learned a lot in this chapter. Primarily about how to forgive and how important forgiveness is. Almost everything I have done this past week has included some type of message on forgiveness.... odd right? No, it's a sign. I need to forgive people in my life, forgive situations that have happened, and know that these aren't acts of betrayal or hurt, but acts that are meant to make me stronger as an individual. 

Spirit Junkie says that "by defending myself I was making things worse." By defending my actions and my wrongdoings, I was making things worse. We must chose to remain defenseless in order to remain in the present moment. Don't dwell on the past, don't bring up the past in an argument, just stay present. Yes it's hard...so hard..but you CAN do it. I promise. 

By forgiving other people we aren't just letting them off the hook, we are doing something far more important. We are releasing ourselves of the negativity, the hurt, the pain, the struggle, and most importantly THE EGO. The ego convinces us that we are separate from the situation, that we are the victim... we aren't. 

Often times the act of forgiveness allows us to realize that we aren't mad at the other person, we are mad at ourselves. This was a huge realization for me. I am mad at myself for a number of reasons. Primarily, for not being able to keep my relationship together (But that's an entirely different post). 

By practicing the F word we learn that "When we connect to light within others, you can see them as equal and release your resentments." The ego's walls of separation are torn down and we can unite as one. 

Breakin' Down the F Word: 

Step 1. Recognize the illusion: Remember, in each situation we have 2 CHOICES: ONE IS TO SEE THE DARKENESS, THE OTHER IS TO SEE THE LIGHT. By choosing to see the darkness, we strengthen our own inner darkness, and when we see the light we shine from the inside out. 

Question: How have I chosen to see darkness in this situation? 

     A: Placing blame, being defensive, arguments, not taking ownership, silence, harboring old negative feelings. 

Step 2. Release Judgement: Take time to release judgments. This one is HUGE for me. HUGE HUGE HUGE. In my journey over the past 5 months, I have become increasingly quiet due to my lack of feelings to be judgmental towards others. 

Question: How have I been judging? 

     A: Lifestyle choices such as diet and exercise, significant others/partners, Careers, Goals, Motivation and lack of motivation. 

Step 3: Be willing to forgive: 'Do you prefer to be right or happy? The willingness to release the need to be right is a major step toward forgiveness." 

Step 4: Ask you ~ing for help: Ask for help and be patient. Trust the process and stay willing to the process. Like everything it takes time. Let your inner spirit guide you to forgiveness, don't force it and DO NOT GIVE UP ON IT! 

Lastly, don't be afraid to have feelings and emotions and to be a real human being. We are designed to feel, some more than others, but that doesn't lessen the fact that moving forward in life and in any spiritual journey is hard. You can cry, laugh, punch the pillow, karate chop and block, or whatever it is you need to do to work through your individual issues. For me, I am highly sensitive...like beyond sensitive, but I act like a hard ass because I have to. I cry ( a lot, no exaggeration) and I get mad but I direct my feelings toward something. Towards things like becoming the best me I can be, inside and outside. So don't say that you can't or that you won't make it. You will. You have to. If you don't, you will be miserable and forever the victim on a vicious cycle of unhappiness. No one wants that for themselves or for others. Get out there and do you - find your happiness and find your journey. 

~Ryanne 

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Spirit Junkie Chapter Four

In continuing with the Spirit Junkie journey... Chapter four is all about asking for help. 

This chapter talks about denial and how we often trick ourselves into thinking that we are not good enough in certain or all areas of our life and that we often seek out ways to define ourself. There is often a looming little thought that we are not enough, or just not good enough. Not good enough to be in a successful relationship, not good enough professionally, not good enough to be whatever it is that you struggle with. Therefore, we find new ways to define who we are. If we struggle with relationships we pursue business or other outlets that we can become successful at. 

For me, I struggle with relationships. Due to this struggle, I find ways to make myself busy and to become good at things. Going back to school was a big one for me. I needed to prove that I was good enough to get my undergraduate degree. Good enough to make it in the field of psychology. (Which I'm still progressing towards...but graduate degrees are expensive and serious time commitments). 

The real progress is made when we ask for help. When we take it upon ourself to ask ourself for help. As hard as that may be, it's a freeing experience. When I first started this book I had already begun to ask for help in forgiveness. I need help forgiving the people that I feel have hurt me in any way. Listening to my inner guide/spirit (~ing) is what it all comes down to. As the book says "The soul purpose of our ~ing is to guide our thoughts back to love." I need to awaken my inner guide and trust her and trust that she will guide me towards forgiveness and love. HELL NO, it won't happen overnight but it will happen. Our ~ing does not judge the process and is patient with us. The key point is remembering to listen to her. 

In surrendering to our ~ing there are three steps: 

1. Gently surrender 

2. Ask for help - through the use of prayer, journaling, or internal dialogue. Find what works best for you. 

3. Wait patiently for a response - this can be in the form of intuition, an inner voice, or an external message. 

Now now now - yeah I know what you're thinking, "you want me to be patient?!?! BUT I've surrendered and asked...." Trust me and trust yourself. Just wait and be patient. Remember good things come to those who wait.  

Spirit Junkie Chapter Three

The learning continues. I am amazed at the progress a mind can make in such a short amount of time. The third chapter of Spirit Junkie focuses on that special relationship and how we make idols of certain people and/or things. 

"The ego convinces us that all the love we need is in one "special" person." Basically that we need that one person to be complete. However, no one person can be your main source of happiness. "The ego had convinced me that without a man I was incomplete..." How sad and true it is that most of us women and men feel this way, whether it be about a man or a woman. Often times we deny our own feelings and put everyone else before us. 

The chapter also talks about this thing called "future-tripping" and how the ego has the ability to convince us that someone we don't even know is super special. Like the guy that sends a flirty text or buys us a drink... All of the sudden we get all giddy and think that he is automatically that special someone and that we are going to marry that guy. Come one now ladies I know you feel me on that one. We've all been there and are guilty of the "OMG I just had the most amazing date.. I'm going to marry him" after just one date. Yeah it's fun to dream but that's not really a good way to stay in the present moment. 

The exercise for this chapter, Somethin' Special, was 3 steps on how to de-special a relationship: 

1. Whom have you made special? 

2. Out it. 

3. View it differently. 

These answers I have decided to keep to myself and have worked through the provided meditation to progress into to the next chapter. This is also something I will work on daily because I have had these relationships for the majority of my life and working to view them differently is going to take daily progress. 

The most important thing I took from this chapter is to remember that we are all created with an equal amount of awesomeness on the inside. We are so used to seeing others as better or worse than us that we forget this major detail. So remember that we are equal and we are all awesome! 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Two

DISCLAIMER: I've decided to make my experience through Spirit Junkie a public journey because I want to inspire and motivate others to find their happiness. In all reality I have been struggling for many years to find what happiness is and exactly what my happiness is. I hope that this experience not only helps me to surrender to my fears, but guides me to my ultimate happiness. And in return I hope that others can find their happiness as well. 

Chapter two of Spirit Junkie asks us to examine our ego. To take a look at how the ego keeps us stuck in the illusion of fear. A guided meditation is provided followed by a free-writing experiment which I found to be very eye opening and helpful. The meditation was used to prepare our mind to allow free flowing thoughts. On an inhale we bring in the good and positives and on the exhale we release the negatives and the unknowns. 

Following the meditation there is a series of 4 questions:

1. What are you afraid of? 

- I afraid of being alone, not being worthy, not finding love, not finding happiness, not being enough, hurting others, and losing people. 

2. How do I attack myself?

- I attack myself with various types of doubt, pain, guilt, negative talk, being too busy, over working, lack of sleep, and holding onto the past. 

3. How do I attack others? 

- I attack othere primarily by judging, but also with hatred, silence, anger, frustration, guilt, and not making time. 

4. How do I bring my past fears into the present and future? 

- I bring my past fears into the present and futur pe by judging and comparing people and situations to past situations and people, negativity, being closed-minded, doubting myself and lack of time. 

Becoming aware of the ego and how it works is challenging. I have already begun to notice it creeping up on me when I'm most vulnerable. Judging someone because of their looks or appearance, not making time for me because I don't have time, or hatred towards recent life situations. The goal of this experiment is to "release the blocks to the awareness of love's presence on the inside, rather than finding love on the outside."

Honesty is a a scary thing, being vulnerable is even more scary. Ultimately to find happiness being scared and vulnerable have to happen. Finding yourself will be totally worth the struggle! 

Namaste *Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter One

Embarking on a new journey is tough. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. Honestly full of SHIT. Life is hard, transformation is hard, change is hard ... But it is always for the better and I emphasize the always. In starting my transformation it was solely physical - I wanted to lose weight, (okay fine I wanted to lose all the fat and cellulite that I had on my body), be confident, be sexy, and be healthy. I have achieved some of those things and I am making progress towards the rest. I am always making progress. Everyday is a reminder and a new day to make a teeny tiny bit more progress. Some days I make more progress than others, but have learned to not let the bad days deter me from my goals and dreams. 

In recent months my transformation has taken a mental and emotional change as well. I have deepened my yoga practice, achieved my goal of being a yoga instructor, learned to be less harsh and critical and judgmental but am still struggling with that last part. And yoga is a lifelong journey which I am so blessed to be on. 

Thanks to a recent breakup, from a person I had envisioned spending my life with, I realized that I have changed. I am no longer that overweight unhappy not confident girl...that girl that shared in the judgements and thought that being sarcastic and judging was funny. It's not. Let me repeat that IT IS NOT FUNNY. 

I used to talk just to talk and say things because I thought I had to. I wanted to be liked and loved and all of that outward judging was just a reflection of how I felt on the inside. I felt unhappy and fat and gross and depressed and anxious and stressed and a million other things. I portrayed that on others. 

In chapter 1 of Gabrielle Bernstein's book "Spirit Junkie," she talks about the "ego" - and that the ego's soul purpose is to convince us that love isn't real so that we believe in the fearful thinking of the world. The ego is our darkness, our fear, our internal bully. The ego loves to make us the victim. "The fearful projection that the ego inflicts on us becomes what we perceive to be our reality." No thanks to this we are left with feelings of fear, hatred, guilt, unworthiness, unhappiness and are prone to attack. 

Chapter One ends with a meditation on Negative Thought Patterns: listing off negative thoughts that the ego creates in us and denying its reality by responding with the loving response of "love did not create it, and so it is not real." 

My thoughts were/are as follows: 

1. I am unworthy of happiness. 

2. I am unworthy of a loving and supportive relationship with a man. 

3. I am not enough. 

4. I can't give myself fully to another person. 

As you can see there is a pattern... I believe that this pattern and my behaviors stem from the loss of my father 5 years ago. And now a self-induced and self-inflicted and for allllllll the wrong reasons poor relationship with my mother. I have grieved my father and have accepted his death. He is on a pedestal. A pedestal I use for comparison. Totally unfair. So in moving forward I acknowledge the past and my ego and respect what it has done and taught me. I move forward knowing that life's struggles are what make us strong and who we are. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. If it was this life would be a Lucky Charms box... And I'm thankful it isn't because I hate cereal. 

Remember this "We are all born into a state of love, in which we see everyone as equal," - Gabby Bernstein 

Things I've Learned

These past 6 months have been an incredible eye-opener to me. Most recently these past few weeks. My competition prep is revving up...I'm less than 8 weeks out from stepping on that elusive stage and it seems that my goals, dreams, priorities, and overall lifestyle are changing. Changing for the better. In my perspective anyway. My perspective is what matters when it comes to my health and well-being, and my life in general. 

So what have I learned..... 

1. I'm not good at relaxing.
 ----- I need to be busy. I will rest when I want to rest. I do not do well spending an entire day lounging or laying around. Do I like it? Of course. However, days like that are very rare.

2. I am adventurous and need to explore. 
 ----- My spirit demands to be freed and to explore her surroundings. I want to see what this world has to offer. To feel the wind in my hair and different grounds between my toes. I want to learn, I want to grow, I want to be the best me I can be. I want to challenge myself. I never want to be complacent. I never want to settle.

3. I need my independence. 
 ----- I was not raised to be dependent on others. I need support. I need companionship. I need friendship and love and touch and human interaction like every other human. What I don't need is someone to take 100% care of me. I like my independence. I like being alone. I like traveling alone. I like knowing that I can support myself.

4. I'm confident in my silence. 
 ----- I do not have to speak all the time. I do not want to, nor will I, speak poorly of others. I will love everyone equally. My silence does not mean something is wrong, it simply means I have nothing to say, and saying something would be false or unkind. Neither of which I want to be.

5. My goals have shifted. 
 ----- I used to have all these dreams and goals and thought that I would be happily married with 3 kids by the time I was 25. (Excuse me, while I vomit and laugh at myself). Neither of those have happened and I'm 30. My goals now are to become a better human, a better me. The best me I can be. To be confident, kind, happy, loving, caring, wanderlust, free-spirited and accepted.

6. Lastly, to be myself. 
 ----- I will not change for someone. I will not ask or expect someone to change for me. My relationships will be based on equal love and understanding of one another. They will not be based on ease and comfort. Relationships in which we can speak freely and act freely without fear of judgement or criticism. Where we lift each other up with respect, support, and gratitude for one another.

I am by no means perfect. I am striving to be the best me I can be. I am a work in progress. A continuous work in progress. Because progress beats perfection Any and Every Damn Day.