Spirit Junkie Chapter Seven

Wow it's been a while. Let's get this show back to it's scheduled programming. I have finished the book, however, I took some time to reflect on a few of the chapters and assignments. I also had to focus on myself, nourishing special relationships in my life, and my competition prep.

Chapter Seven is called "The Holy Instant" and learning how to show up for the assignment. It is said, in numerous uses, that "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." We must be ready before we can take on certain tasks and assignments.

Going through my breakup with Matt this chapter resonated with me the most. I needed to learn a lot of things about myself and my relationship with Matt was meant to teach me specific things. There came a point where I had to realized that my relationship with Matt had taught me everything I could learn at that time, and that it was no longer serving me. Once I accepted this, things began to change. Because of this, I was able to forgive him and forgive the fact that our relationship failed, but accept with gratitude and thanks the things that I learned from him and from our time together. I decided to send love and gratitude to him and to find a loving space in which I could cope with the loss.

I had surrendered all of my anger, hate, hurt, and negative emotions around this relationship. Yes, I am sad that it ended. Yes, some days are still a struggle and I miss him. Those are natural feelings, and a part of the grieving process when any human being experiences any type of loss. 

The coolest part is that when my ego starts acting up and bringing in these thoughts about my past relationship, I can acknowledge them and send them on their way in a loving manner. I have no hard feelings surrounding the breakup. In fact, I am so thankful for what it taught me and the time that we had together. By basing my thoughts on love, versus hate, I am happier and more accepting. I am more open to new experiences and relationships that have left or entered my life.

Remembering that I control my thoughts and actions is the key to my daily life. I choose how I want to respond, rather than how I want to react. When I respond, I can think about it. When I react, it's natural it just happens. Workings towards responses rather than reactions has been very helpful. I'm not perfect, sometimes I lose my shit, and I'm okay with that. I use it as a learning opportunity to further better myself. 

~Ryanne

Lessons Learned...in Love

What can I say... so many words and no clue where to start. I have learned entirely too much about myself and others during these past 6 months.

Love, as defined, is an intense feeling of deep affection.  

I have learned so many things about myself, others, and what I am looking for in relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well.

This journey, and transformation, has taught me that settling for anything isn't an option. This journey has also taught me that I don't have to settle. I can fight for what I want. I can wait for what I want. I do not have to keep the negative and stale energy in my life. I can and will bring positive energy and light into my life in all areas and through all things.

By keeping those negative influences in my life, I am only dragging myself down. By releasing the things and people in my life, I can generate more energy and make room for personal growth in relationships that I want to nurture.

Shall we have a look at what I have learned?

1. You do not need food and alcohol to have a good time. The company you keep make the experience...the amazing hamburger and cold beer only last for so long.

2. Walking outside with an old friend will lead to serious learnings.

2.5. Walking outside with a new friend will give you insight into things you may not otherwise have been given.

3. Being outside alone is incredibly soothing for the mind, body, and soul.

4. The gym and weight rack are my saving grace. Find yours - you will be amazed at what happens in your life!

5. It is okay if the person you once thought you were going to spend your life with, isn't that person anymore. This was the hardest part for me, but being unhappy was even harder. And trust me on this - I did thank myself in the long run and am happier. Even if you are single - it's pretty cool to be single!

6. Friendships will change. For better and worse. Basically it works like this - they either support the life change or the don't. If they do, they want to know about it and ask about it and ask about you and still include you in their life. If they don't, they won't ask...they won't care.

7. Nourish the friendships that support you. Nourish new friendships that support you and come to you during this time. They are the ones that will teach you something and most likely last.

8. Get to used to your lifestyle. Get used to the fact that you spend a stupid amount of time in the gym and an even stupider (yeah I used stupider, get over it) amount of time in your active wear.... If you need a little laugh watch this video!

9. Put down your phone. When you are with the people you love just put it down. When you are with new people just put it down. Be present with the people you are surrounded by.

10. Learn everything you can from everything that you can. Use each new opportunity as a learning experience. Learn to trust your instincts and your emotions. Learn to trust yourself. damnit..JUST LEARN!!!

11. Lastly, love yourself. Love who you have become on the inside. Understand that none of this would be possible without your determination and dedication. You will be tested - how you react to the tests will be the most difficult and rewarding part of the experience. Be proud of the journey that you are one, the transformation that you have made, the new lifestyle that you have developed.

Take each day as it comes...moment to moment. Live in the moment. Appreciate the ups and downs, the highs and lows. Be thankful for the people you do have. Be even more thankful for the life that you have. Be thankful that you have the choice to make a change, no matter what area of life needs changing you can make the decision to change it.

~~Ryanne 

Right now.

when do you know when enough is enough? when do you know when to say goodbye? when do you know when to walk away? 

For me, the answer is I don't know. I don't know because I'm perplexed as to how it happens. How did it get to this place again? How does history repeat itself 3 months later and then again a month later? 

What if your soul mate and best friend is the one person that you can't make an actual relationship work with? Is it just supposed to be okay? 

First, let me point out the obvious - I need therapy. Second, I can't manage to function in a relationship with a legit label on it. Third, well I'm on the path to being single forever. And lastly, the one little crevice in the world where all my feels go away and everything is right is with the one person that I can't get the glue to stick with. 

Imagine that you're best opposite sex friend is the one person that just knows things. When you're in a funk, when you need alone time, when something is on your mind, when you need to eat veggies, when you need to go for a run, or even when you need a good night of crying and getting drunk playing Jenga and jamming to YouTube. This person gives the best hugs and forehead kisses. Your head fits perfectly in his armpit/shoulder/chest spot and his hand fits yours like a glove. Just take a minute and take in all that goodness and happiness and all things that make it right. 

Now imagine that everything goes this well until you put the boyfriend/girlfriend label on it and make it an actual relationship. Then everything you once knew is not the same. You stop communicating and stop being the friends that you were before the label was placed. It's a total let down. A disappointment. A fact that you have to accept but can't. 

After a very disappointing weekend, one filled with things that I don't know how to overcome, forgive, or forget, I've decided to take some time to think things over, to make a last final decision about what we are doing. This thing that we call love isn't love. it's sex. it's easy. it's comfortable. it's friends that get along so well and have such a good time together that you mistake it for real love. 

I deserve more. I deserve to be fought for. I've fought for enough in my life and now I need someone to fight for me, to fight to be with me and to fight for my love and to fight for me as a person. I deserve a love that is safe and supportive and kind. Something that is good. Real. stable. Genuine. and Right. Something that is right. that feels good everyday, even on the bad days it's still right. 

So you go back to being friends. Back to something that comes naturally. To a friendship that is real. And nothing more. Nothing beyond the simplest of friends. Because if it becomes more it gets in the way of finding the real thing. The thing you deserve.

~R