Right now.

when do you know when enough is enough? when do you know when to say goodbye? when do you know when to walk away? 

For me, the answer is I don't know. I don't know because I'm perplexed as to how it happens. How did it get to this place again? How does history repeat itself 3 months later and then again a month later? 

What if your soul mate and best friend is the one person that you can't make an actual relationship work with? Is it just supposed to be okay? 

First, let me point out the obvious - I need therapy. Second, I can't manage to function in a relationship with a legit label on it. Third, well I'm on the path to being single forever. And lastly, the one little crevice in the world where all my feels go away and everything is right is with the one person that I can't get the glue to stick with. 

Imagine that you're best opposite sex friend is the one person that just knows things. When you're in a funk, when you need alone time, when something is on your mind, when you need to eat veggies, when you need to go for a run, or even when you need a good night of crying and getting drunk playing Jenga and jamming to YouTube. This person gives the best hugs and forehead kisses. Your head fits perfectly in his armpit/shoulder/chest spot and his hand fits yours like a glove. Just take a minute and take in all that goodness and happiness and all things that make it right. 

Now imagine that everything goes this well until you put the boyfriend/girlfriend label on it and make it an actual relationship. Then everything you once knew is not the same. You stop communicating and stop being the friends that you were before the label was placed. It's a total let down. A disappointment. A fact that you have to accept but can't. 

After a very disappointing weekend, one filled with things that I don't know how to overcome, forgive, or forget, I've decided to take some time to think things over, to make a last final decision about what we are doing. This thing that we call love isn't love. it's sex. it's easy. it's comfortable. it's friends that get along so well and have such a good time together that you mistake it for real love. 

I deserve more. I deserve to be fought for. I've fought for enough in my life and now I need someone to fight for me, to fight to be with me and to fight for my love and to fight for me as a person. I deserve a love that is safe and supportive and kind. Something that is good. Real. stable. Genuine. and Right. Something that is right. that feels good everyday, even on the bad days it's still right. 

So you go back to being friends. Back to something that comes naturally. To a friendship that is real. And nothing more. Nothing beyond the simplest of friends. Because if it becomes more it gets in the way of finding the real thing. The thing you deserve.

~R