Body versus Brain

The past six months have been an interesting six months to say the least. For one, I am six months post bikini competitor life and have jumped headfirst into training for my first figure competitions in Spring 2017. Second, I have developed an unhealthy healthy relationship with my food and diet. Let me explain...

Today I attended a seminar on eating disorders and had so many moments of "holy hell, that's me" and "damnit, it shouldn't be this difficult." I would not classify myself as someone who has an eating disorder. However, I am beginning to realize that I have an addiction, an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. To me, this is terrifying. This is never something I anticipated would continue to go on for six months after my competitions.

Let me break down my daily self-discussions with you (because I'm not the only one struggling, and I have had this conversation with multiple people over the last few days)
- Wake Up - Oh I feel so good
- Breakfast - Mmmm my favorite meal - let's get the day started right! Oh a latte sounds nice, but wait it has flavoring and extra calories with the soy milk and sugar, and you don't need it so just get black like always because all that extra is bad.
- Afternoon - A glass of wine or something sweet would be amazing tonight.. but it's not on the meal plan, it's not allowed, it will ruin your gains, you'll feel like crap, it's not worth it. But it would be sooo good.
- Workout - maybe I want to, maybe I don't - you'll feel better if you do, you can have that glass of wine if you do, but that glass of wine will make your workout pointless, so don't have it. Go to the gym Ryanne.
- Post-Workout - because I wouldn't skip a workout (insert eye roll) if I did skip my lift it would lead another debate about how I should be at the gym instead of at home, out with friends, or resting.
- Dinner - hmm same old chicken, sweet potatoes, and spinach. Yes, I DO LOVE THIS MEAL! But I'd rather be cooking something more fun, yet healthy and enjoying it with people I enjoy being around. I'd rather be out with a friend on a random night enjoying an adult beverage. I'd rather not force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. If I do any of those things let the internal committee begin the battle again of how I should just eat my prepped food because I won't feel like crap, I won't ruin my gains, it's what's on the plan, and I can see my friends another time.
- Next day - if I did cheat or slip up, all the comments come on hardcore - you're fat, i feel disgusting, so bloated, new pimple, red face, uncomfortable, never going to see my abs again, don't let it happen again...

Do you see a theme? Everything I do is a battle. Every time I want something off plan, meal or workout plan, my brain freaks the fuck out and the committee brings on a huge guilt trip. I'd be lying if I said that competing was worth it. Competing was an amazing experience in my life, and I am beyond thankful for what it taught me and continues to teach me. I have become increasingly self-confident as my weight has crept back up since my shows, yes a lot more of it is muscle, but even at my heaviest weight (pre-competing) I do not recall being this self-conscious.

In the seminar that I attended today I learned that my relationship with food, and my lifestyle, can be healthy. Finding balance is key, but also hard, especially when your metabolism is in this state of imbalance. The brain is also imbalanced. I know this firsthand. I know this because rationally I know that I am not fat, I know that I am not disgusting. I know that. However, the brain is an asshole and attacks at any moment of weakness. I learned that "Everything that your outside looks like is not what your insides feel like. You're telling yourself that you're much larger than you really are." Calling myself fat and bloated is re-enforcing my negative self-image. My self-talk goes from damn I feel and look good, to I'm fat and feel/look like shit. Not healthy right?

So how can it be changed? First, surrounding myself with people who have supported my journey and those that have been on the same journey as me. We all struggle with the same issues. Binge, feeling guilty, back on plan, fall off, binge, feel guilty, hop back on, swear to never fall off again, but than that jar or peanut butter and bottle of wine catches your eye at ladies night and you're off again.... I mean, I'm a 30 year old adult - if I want a glass of wine, I should be able to have one without having an 8 hour internal debate with myself over it. Right? 

My hope, for myself and others, is to turn the self-talk from negative thoughts to positive thoughts - I am strong. I am healthy. My weight does not define me. I can have a glass of wine. Moderation is key. Balance is important. I will find balance. I will be happy. I am confident.....

Remember - our thoughts are powerful. They have the ability to change the mood very quickly for worse or for better. What do you want your thoughts to be?

~ Ryanne 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Nine

Well it's definitely been a while on this one! This book was a huge life-changer for me and when the time is right, the blog is right.

Chapter Nine of Spirit Junkie was all about how the spirit can become your boyfriend! Sounds silly right? But it works.

Working towards the process of forgiveness and love. I can say that I am working my way towards feeling full forgiveness towards those that I feel have hurt me in the past. I know that I am the one that has the power over my thoughts and feelings. However, people do and say hurtful things and as an adult I am allowed to have feelings of hurt and anger. However, I do not want to hold onto those feelings forever. Negative feelings are exhausting. I am not a negative person and do not like the way that I feel, or the person I become, when I am under a negative influence.

Restoring our thoughts back to "right-mindedness" is what this chapter is about. Using your ~ing to guide you from fear, attack, judgement into a place of forgiveness and happiness. The past couple of months have been difficult for me and my family can attest to that. In the past my answer was always to run from the problem and push people out of my life solely because it was the easiest way I could get away from the hurt. Well, let's face it.. I'm 30, and as a 30 year old I shouldn't be just running away from my feelings. I am capable and knowledgeable enough to handle my feelings. Taking my own advice has helped me work through the hurt, although it will be an ongoing process. 

By building and nurturing the relationship with our ~ing we can find all the love that we need is inside of us. We must love ourselves before we can love someone else. ~ing will also provide feelings of comfort, security, loving experiences, inspiration, support and guidance, and feelings of loneliness will slowly disappear. Although I do not spend as much time in meditation as I would like, the time that I do spend has helped me to connect to my spirit. One of my goals this year is to become more connected to my inner self and to build a trustworthy relationship with myself that is full of love, security, comfort and support.

The activity for this chapter included:
1. Making a list of all of the ways in which you feel your spirit - this can be during meditation, playing an instrument, listening to music, running, walking, being around a certain person.
2. Be Mindful - Pay attention to the moments in which you feel your spirit
3. Add Water - take time to water your spirit. If you feel your spirit during yoga, make it a priority to do more yoga.

"To Heal Is To Make Happy" 

Happiness

What is happiness? What is being happy? What does being happy and happiness mean, look like, feel like, sound like? How do we find happiness in a world so full of tragedy and sadness? I came across this post on social media a while back and it got me thinking about happiness. How do I go from point A of being not happy to point B of being happy.... to leading a happy life and finding the happy parts in everything. 

Generally, I am a very optimistic person. I find the good in almost all situations, and will seek out the good if it's not waiting right there for me to grab a hold of. Generally. I have my bad days. I have points in time where I am negative, judgmental, irritable, rude, and not happy. We all do. Human being have emotions, we are meant to feel things. I feel more than others. I do not enjoy the way I feel when I am in a negative place. Not in the slightest.

 So I find the happy parts of life. I find a beautiful sunrise or sunset in the midst of an unfair life event. I go to the gym. I go for a walk with friends. I ask for someone to tell me something good when I am struggling. I spend time with one of the most amazing women in my life, My Grandmother. Nothing will turn your world around than spending time with a woman who have raised 5 kids, lost one child, and recently lost her life partner of over 50 years and still keeps a smile on her face, makes silly faces, and laughs with her whole body and heart. I find happiness. 

I won't deny that seeking out happiness is hard. There is so much negative thrown in our faces daily that it's easy to get wrapped up in it. Seeking the happy moments or one positive thing in a negative situation can turn your world around so greatly. I struggled with this early on in my competition prep. I struggled a lot with finding positive moments in my younger life. Now, I find them in every situation. Life is what you make it. Don't run on sadness or negativity. Life is too short and great to be negative. Being negative takes much more energy than being positive. Leave the world a better, happier place. Let your heart be warm with feelings of happiness. Ask for help if you need it. Look at puppy pictures, listen to a good song, or ask a friend or loved one to tell you something good. You'd be surprised at what you get and how quickly your mood can turn around! 

Be Happy

Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight of Spirit Junkie is about accepting the invitation. We must "Seek to change nothing, but merely to accept everything." In thinking about that quote, it really takes us deeper and brings us to a more clear connection with out Spirit. Reminding myself to stay connected to my inner light and to keep inviting the light and love of the spirit in, is constantly the challenge. 

This chapter really taught me that I was ready to love myself, and that I needed to love myself again in order to move on and to find love again in other people. Through my prep, and this book, I have learned that I do not need food, alcohol, or negative relationships to make me feel fulfilled. I have learned that all the love I need is inside of me. My inner connection to myself is what fulfills me daily. I am able to maintain my positive energy and outlook on life. 

Key points in accepting the invitation: 

1. Say YES to Spirit: If you are ready to connect to your spirit - say yes! 

2. Unblock: The more you believe, the more you will receive! 

3. Listen: Meditate and listen to your ~ing. 

~Ryanne 

The Transformation

Wow. That is all I can say about these past 24 weeks. My life has been forever changed in more ways than words can ever describe. BUT here goes…

I walked into Dusty’s office with the intention that I wanted to lose weight, get healthy, and possibly compete. I left Dusty’s office an hour later knowing that I was 160lbs, 28% body fat, and stepping on stage in a tiny ass bikini on October 10^th and 17^th, 2015. Yeah, that’s real life.

My prep began in May and I was so excited. I thought I had everything in life a girl could want. I finished my undergrad in psychology, I got a job teaching yoga, I enjoyed my job at the hospital, I had a boyfriend, a roof over my head, and a good support system.

This prep though, it makes you emotional. It challenges you in ways you didn’t know you could or would ever be challenged. You are forced to learn about yourself and the other people in your life. I cried almost daily, and 90% of those tears were shed in the gym. The gym became my safe place when my world turned upside down.

Fast forward three months to August. My prep was not difficult, I actually had it easy compared to some and had very few low days. The low days though, are what get you. The bad days attack and eat you alive. August was THE WORST. In August, my boyfriend and I broke up, and very shortly after that my grandfather passed away. I had been married, divorced, and lost my father to cancer by the time I was 26 and none of that compares to this. I used to run to food and alcohol to suppress my feelings. I used food and alcohol as a way to bond and build relationships. This time, I couldn’t do that.

I showed up to multiple sessions with Dusty crying. The session after my grandfather passed will be an hour of my life that I never forget. I had lost 4 pounds in a little over a week, and was a mess. I walked through the door and Dusty took one look at me and said get in my truck we aren’t training today. We spent that hour talking about everything. Past, present, and future. Holding in the negativity wasn’t going to get anywhere. Letting it go and moving on is what needed to happen and so it did.

I was not perfect on my prep. I binge ate almond butter, I had mixed nuts when I shouldn’t have. But we’re human. Prep is hard. I learned so much about myself as a person. I have been able to forgive people in my life and let go of past hurt in order to move forward in a positive relationship. I have found a confidence and a love for myself that I didn’t know was possible. I have found who my true support system is in my family and friends. The best part is that I gained an entirely new family in the Renovation Training team, through thick and thin they have become home to me.

I stepped on stage on October 10^th and 17^th knowing that I did the best I could and that no matter what the outcome I have a life to be so proud of. This journey is my trophy, and it’s the best trophy a girl could ask for. 

Hemp Hearts - goodies and giveaway

Hey Friendsssss! Let's talk about an amazing heart and body healthy food that the entire family will love!

Manitoba Harvest  Hemp Hearts are raw shelled hemp seeds that are:

• Great tasting - Hemp Hearts have a slightly nutty taste, similar to a sunflower seed or pine nut.
• Easy to use - Simply sprinkle Hemp Hearts on salad, cereal & yogurt, add to smoothies and recipes, or eat them straight from the package!
• Nutritious - per 30 gram serving, Hemp Hearts contain 10 grams of plant-based protein and 10 grams of Omegas.
• Hemp Hearts have more protein and omegas and less carbs than the same serving of chia or flax.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE THAT!

How do I eat Hemp Hearts? Let me tell you! I eat them in my oats everyday! Basically - you can make your oats however you prefer and then sprinkle the hemp hearts on top! Personally I love oatmeal, and could eat it all day everyday without tiring of it thankfully! As you can see, I added chopped walnuts, sunflower seeds, apple, banana, almond butter, and hemp hearts to my bowl of oats on this day! 

Hemp Hearts are also great sprinkled in salads, on eggs, or mixed in with yogurt! Get creative. You can find tons of recipes on the Manitoba Harvest Recipe Page 

Now for the fun part! Enter for your chance to win your own Hemp Seeds below! Must follow participation rules and guidelines to win! 

• Follow @ManitobaHarvest on Twitter
• Follow @ManitobaHarvest on Instagram
• Tweet about the giveaway using @ManitobaHarvest #hemphearts @FitApproach #sweatpink

Giveaway restrictions: 

• Open to US and Canada residents
• One prize per winner. If your first winner has already won a prize from another SPA, please choose another. Sample disclosure language below, if you’d like to include it in your post
• You are not eligible to win other SPAs’ giveaways

One prize per person. If you win this giveaway, and have already won another prize from Manitoba Harvest through another blog, please disclose that you have already won so we can choose another winner. 

Enjoy! Winner will be announced by November 20th! 

~Ryanne

HempHearts Giveaway

Post-Competition Words

Hey friends - let's talk about post competition life - or OFF-SEASON!!!!

I competed a little over a week ago now and nicely put, this past week was rough. I never imagined that my body would change so drastically from week to week during competition prep, and then even more drastically post competition. I thought I was prepared, but I was not entirely prepared.

First, peak week is all about hydration and dehydration, and adjusting things daily, and carb loading, and not spilling over, and wine or no wine, how much potassium to take and when, did you pee enough today, did you poop yet, do you feel tighter than yesterday, do you feel tighter than this morning? And that's just the basics! 

I spent a lot of time preparing myself for what post comp life was going to be like. I also spent a lot of time mentally preparing and reminding myself that the way I look on show day is not maintainable and that it is for ONE DAY. I told myself for months leading up to the competitions that this is one day only. You will look beyond amazing and better than a majority of the population for one day, maybe two depending on how my body responded. 

Fast forward to after the show. My abs survived the immediate Saturday night binge of a greasy ass appetizer, burger, fries, pumpkin bars, chocolate pie, almond butter, apples, bananas, pumpkin spice cookie butter, a half a beer, wine, and two packages of pop tarts. I woke up Sunday morning feeling like the freaking Hulk. Sunday was all about brunch, flavored coffee (which after having black coffee for 6 months isn't as amazing as I thought it was going to be), a delicious saki bloody mary, the rest of the chocolate pie, chicken wings, more pop tarts, more almond butter, peanut butter, cookie butter, and pizza fries. I basically ate for an entire 24 hours...and I ain't even mad about it.

Monday came around, and I was ready to get back on track. I had a sugar headache and just wasn't feeling super amazing like I was used to feeling. I prepped my meals and went on with the day. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday came. I did well. Prepping my meals and just having one sweet snack during the day. I went back to the gym and was having some amazing pumps. So amazing that I was the most sore I have ever been after my lifts.

Then came Friday. I thought I could fight the urge. I tried to..but not hard enough. I went to cherry berry. WORST IDEA EVER. First off, I have a dairy intolerance..which I am aware of in the past have just prepared to suffer with the consequences. After being completely dairy free for 6 months, my body hated me. I woke up Saturday morning and thought I was dying. The pain was so intolerable I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go to work or not. Needless to say, my morning was a shit show. Saturday at work I binged... on all the cookies and goodness that I haven't been able to experience in months. For no reason, no reason at all. Purely because the sugar demons attacked and I was weak and making excuses. I had so much sugar in my body that my heart started to race and I was having hot flashes.

This morning, Sunday, I woke up feeling hungover, like I had consumed an entire case of wine. It was awful. My head hurt, my body ached, my stomach was yelling at me. I vowed to myself to start my reverse diet and to stick to it. The sugar cravings will subside again, my body will come back to its happy place, and I will feel healthier. Also, all the sugar has caused my skin to flare up and break out. NOT COOL. that is reason enough to stop the sugar.

Basically here's what I have learned one week post competition: 

1. Sugar is a drug. A wicked wicked drug. 
2. You're mind will tell you it's okay when deep down you know it's not. 
3. I eat even if I don't want to - just because it's there. 
4. Restricting food for a long time does damage on the relationship that you have with food, whether you think it will or not, it does. 
5. It takes a long time to feel hydrated after being super depleted. 
6. Food will be there tomorrow, or next week, or the next year. I don't have to eat everything right now. 
7. I am not depriving myself. This is my lifestyle.
8. My body doesn't like bad food - Food is meant to fuel my body not hurt it! 
9. I do not want to throw away the last 6 months of work that I have put in over stupid cookies. 
10. Keeping my goals in mind and visible is important. 
11. Having and USING my support system is an important part of this lifestyle and being successful! 
12. My coach knows everything - pictures and performance don't lie. He knows. Good coaches know. 

I am looking forward to a very long and successful off-season. This time will help me to grow as a person and grow my body to bring an even better package to stage in Spring 2017.

~~Ryanne