Spirit Junkie Chapter Six

Chapter six....Relationships are assignments. I repeat RELATIONSHIPS ARE ASSIGNMENTS.

This chapter is about how we view and treat relationships, how we become co-dependent, how we change the person that we are to be the person that we think we should be. So tragic...that the ego actually makes us believe that we aren't cool enough or that we aren't enough without that special someone.

Props can go to the ego for making us fall into these traps. Guilt being a main trap that the ego sucks us into quite often. "Guilt is the feeling we experience as a response to the belief that we've sinned against love - it's a projection of the sadness we have for neglecting love." SAY WHAT!!!! Sinning against love - that's a thought.

"Unconsciously we believe we deserve punishment because we turned our back on love." 

Pretty deep AND pretty true. We are able to relieve our guilt by attacking others.

****The entire point of this chapter is to have the willingness to see relationships as assignments. I, you, we, have to agree to show up for whatever comes our way. Be willing to grow, be open to new experiences, BE OPEN TO THE UNIVERSE BRINGING IN SOMEONE THAT YOU NEVER EXPECTED.

Siding with the ~ing is the best part. Asking for help and being open to help. 

The assignment for this chapter was a meditation followed by a free-writing experiment on "How have I projected my fear onto others?" - In short, I use feelings of unworthiness and unhappiness as a reason for fighting and I use defense mechanisms to block and shut out the people in my life in order to protect myself. I talk negatively to myself and about myself to others.

The next, and most important step, is to SHOW UP. Recognize the assignment and show up for it. By seeing love in the face of another person you know the true meaning of oneness. 

Lastly, "when you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself. 

~Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter Five

In hopes to clear my mind before bed, I am going to enlighten you a little bit on Chapter Five - which is called "The F Word." 

I learned a lot in this chapter. Primarily about how to forgive and how important forgiveness is. Almost everything I have done this past week has included some type of message on forgiveness.... odd right? No, it's a sign. I need to forgive people in my life, forgive situations that have happened, and know that these aren't acts of betrayal or hurt, but acts that are meant to make me stronger as an individual. 

Spirit Junkie says that "by defending myself I was making things worse." By defending my actions and my wrongdoings, I was making things worse. We must chose to remain defenseless in order to remain in the present moment. Don't dwell on the past, don't bring up the past in an argument, just stay present. Yes it's hard...so hard..but you CAN do it. I promise. 

By forgiving other people we aren't just letting them off the hook, we are doing something far more important. We are releasing ourselves of the negativity, the hurt, the pain, the struggle, and most importantly THE EGO. The ego convinces us that we are separate from the situation, that we are the victim... we aren't. 

Often times the act of forgiveness allows us to realize that we aren't mad at the other person, we are mad at ourselves. This was a huge realization for me. I am mad at myself for a number of reasons. Primarily, for not being able to keep my relationship together (But that's an entirely different post). 

By practicing the F word we learn that "When we connect to light within others, you can see them as equal and release your resentments." The ego's walls of separation are torn down and we can unite as one. 

Breakin' Down the F Word: 

Step 1. Recognize the illusion: Remember, in each situation we have 2 CHOICES: ONE IS TO SEE THE DARKENESS, THE OTHER IS TO SEE THE LIGHT. By choosing to see the darkness, we strengthen our own inner darkness, and when we see the light we shine from the inside out. 

Question: How have I chosen to see darkness in this situation? 

     A: Placing blame, being defensive, arguments, not taking ownership, silence, harboring old negative feelings. 

Step 2. Release Judgement: Take time to release judgments. This one is HUGE for me. HUGE HUGE HUGE. In my journey over the past 5 months, I have become increasingly quiet due to my lack of feelings to be judgmental towards others. 

Question: How have I been judging? 

     A: Lifestyle choices such as diet and exercise, significant others/partners, Careers, Goals, Motivation and lack of motivation. 

Step 3: Be willing to forgive: 'Do you prefer to be right or happy? The willingness to release the need to be right is a major step toward forgiveness." 

Step 4: Ask you ~ing for help: Ask for help and be patient. Trust the process and stay willing to the process. Like everything it takes time. Let your inner spirit guide you to forgiveness, don't force it and DO NOT GIVE UP ON IT! 

Lastly, don't be afraid to have feelings and emotions and to be a real human being. We are designed to feel, some more than others, but that doesn't lessen the fact that moving forward in life and in any spiritual journey is hard. You can cry, laugh, punch the pillow, karate chop and block, or whatever it is you need to do to work through your individual issues. For me, I am highly sensitive...like beyond sensitive, but I act like a hard ass because I have to. I cry ( a lot, no exaggeration) and I get mad but I direct my feelings toward something. Towards things like becoming the best me I can be, inside and outside. So don't say that you can't or that you won't make it. You will. You have to. If you don't, you will be miserable and forever the victim on a vicious cycle of unhappiness. No one wants that for themselves or for others. Get out there and do you - find your happiness and find your journey. 

~Ryanne 

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Spirit Junkie Chapter One

Embarking on a new journey is tough. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. Honestly full of SHIT. Life is hard, transformation is hard, change is hard ... But it is always for the better and I emphasize the always. In starting my transformation it was solely physical - I wanted to lose weight, (okay fine I wanted to lose all the fat and cellulite that I had on my body), be confident, be sexy, and be healthy. I have achieved some of those things and I am making progress towards the rest. I am always making progress. Everyday is a reminder and a new day to make a teeny tiny bit more progress. Some days I make more progress than others, but have learned to not let the bad days deter me from my goals and dreams. 

In recent months my transformation has taken a mental and emotional change as well. I have deepened my yoga practice, achieved my goal of being a yoga instructor, learned to be less harsh and critical and judgmental but am still struggling with that last part. And yoga is a lifelong journey which I am so blessed to be on. 

Thanks to a recent breakup, from a person I had envisioned spending my life with, I realized that I have changed. I am no longer that overweight unhappy not confident girl...that girl that shared in the judgements and thought that being sarcastic and judging was funny. It's not. Let me repeat that IT IS NOT FUNNY. 

I used to talk just to talk and say things because I thought I had to. I wanted to be liked and loved and all of that outward judging was just a reflection of how I felt on the inside. I felt unhappy and fat and gross and depressed and anxious and stressed and a million other things. I portrayed that on others. 

In chapter 1 of Gabrielle Bernstein's book "Spirit Junkie," she talks about the "ego" - and that the ego's soul purpose is to convince us that love isn't real so that we believe in the fearful thinking of the world. The ego is our darkness, our fear, our internal bully. The ego loves to make us the victim. "The fearful projection that the ego inflicts on us becomes what we perceive to be our reality." No thanks to this we are left with feelings of fear, hatred, guilt, unworthiness, unhappiness and are prone to attack. 

Chapter One ends with a meditation on Negative Thought Patterns: listing off negative thoughts that the ego creates in us and denying its reality by responding with the loving response of "love did not create it, and so it is not real." 

My thoughts were/are as follows: 

1. I am unworthy of happiness. 

2. I am unworthy of a loving and supportive relationship with a man. 

3. I am not enough. 

4. I can't give myself fully to another person. 

As you can see there is a pattern... I believe that this pattern and my behaviors stem from the loss of my father 5 years ago. And now a self-induced and self-inflicted and for allllllll the wrong reasons poor relationship with my mother. I have grieved my father and have accepted his death. He is on a pedestal. A pedestal I use for comparison. Totally unfair. So in moving forward I acknowledge the past and my ego and respect what it has done and taught me. I move forward knowing that life's struggles are what make us strong and who we are. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. If it was this life would be a Lucky Charms box... And I'm thankful it isn't because I hate cereal. 

Remember this "We are all born into a state of love, in which we see everyone as equal," - Gabby Bernstein