Spirit Junkie Chapter One

Embarking on a new journey is tough. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. Honestly full of SHIT. Life is hard, transformation is hard, change is hard ... But it is always for the better and I emphasize the always. In starting my transformation it was solely physical - I wanted to lose weight, (okay fine I wanted to lose all the fat and cellulite that I had on my body), be confident, be sexy, and be healthy. I have achieved some of those things and I am making progress towards the rest. I am always making progress. Everyday is a reminder and a new day to make a teeny tiny bit more progress. Some days I make more progress than others, but have learned to not let the bad days deter me from my goals and dreams. 

In recent months my transformation has taken a mental and emotional change as well. I have deepened my yoga practice, achieved my goal of being a yoga instructor, learned to be less harsh and critical and judgmental but am still struggling with that last part. And yoga is a lifelong journey which I am so blessed to be on. 

Thanks to a recent breakup, from a person I had envisioned spending my life with, I realized that I have changed. I am no longer that overweight unhappy not confident girl...that girl that shared in the judgements and thought that being sarcastic and judging was funny. It's not. Let me repeat that IT IS NOT FUNNY. 

I used to talk just to talk and say things because I thought I had to. I wanted to be liked and loved and all of that outward judging was just a reflection of how I felt on the inside. I felt unhappy and fat and gross and depressed and anxious and stressed and a million other things. I portrayed that on others. 

In chapter 1 of Gabrielle Bernstein's book "Spirit Junkie," she talks about the "ego" - and that the ego's soul purpose is to convince us that love isn't real so that we believe in the fearful thinking of the world. The ego is our darkness, our fear, our internal bully. The ego loves to make us the victim. "The fearful projection that the ego inflicts on us becomes what we perceive to be our reality." No thanks to this we are left with feelings of fear, hatred, guilt, unworthiness, unhappiness and are prone to attack. 

Chapter One ends with a meditation on Negative Thought Patterns: listing off negative thoughts that the ego creates in us and denying its reality by responding with the loving response of "love did not create it, and so it is not real." 

My thoughts were/are as follows: 

1. I am unworthy of happiness. 

2. I am unworthy of a loving and supportive relationship with a man. 

3. I am not enough. 

4. I can't give myself fully to another person. 

As you can see there is a pattern... I believe that this pattern and my behaviors stem from the loss of my father 5 years ago. And now a self-induced and self-inflicted and for allllllll the wrong reasons poor relationship with my mother. I have grieved my father and have accepted his death. He is on a pedestal. A pedestal I use for comparison. Totally unfair. So in moving forward I acknowledge the past and my ego and respect what it has done and taught me. I move forward knowing that life's struggles are what make us strong and who we are. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. If it was this life would be a Lucky Charms box... And I'm thankful it isn't because I hate cereal. 

Remember this "We are all born into a state of love, in which we see everyone as equal," - Gabby Bernstein