Transformation Thinkings

Well where to begin. I feel like life is hurling bricks at me non-stop for the past few weeks. BUT I won't be knocked down. I may get hurt but I won't be broken. As I think about this journey and all that I've accomplished I realize that it's becoming more spiritual than anything else. 

Things I am willing to admit: I am learning how to find myself. I am 30. I am single...again. I have no children and am okay with that. I have daddy issues. I have mommy issues. I am 30. I have a good job that pays the bills and supports my lifestyle. I have the best group of friends around. I. Have a support system. I am learning. Always learning. 

Learning is important. Without it we cannot grow. Without growth we become stagnant. Then we end up like a mosquito and annoy the shit out of ourself and others! I'm learning that I need to set my goals and keep my focus on them. I am learning that who I am today is NOT the same person I was last month, and definitely not the same person I was 6 months ago. 

Six months ago I was finishing up my undergraduate degree, starting a new job, moving in with my boyfriend, thought I was happy but all I wanted to do was runaway from life and move back to Georgia. Runaway from life...... If you're confused just know that is not a good place to be. 

Today I am not in college, not starting a new job, single and moved out of my ex-boyfriends, and emotionally drained but I'm happy. I have no desire to runaway anymore. Minnesota is my home. Georgia was my escape. After much effort in my relationship and numerous attempts at trying to make something work, he brought to my attention that we have gotten each other this far and we need to accept that this is where it ends. We've both grown and made progress together and now it's time to do it apart. He will always have a special place in my heart. 

Today I am 21 pounds lighter than I was in May. I am strong. Physically, mentally, and emotionally strong. I am turning my spiritual weakness into a strength and finding out who I am really am as a person. As an individual I want to be confident and strong in all aspects. I want an unwavering faith in who I am and what I want out life. I have an idea but I know it's always a work in progress. 

As the next six weeks come around I can only imagine how much more I will learn about myself. Through reading, yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging, and my competition prep my life is just getting on the right tracks towards a life of happiness that I am creating!! 

As my tattoo says "I am the designer of my own catastrophe!" And I fully intend to keep it that way. 

Just know, life is hard. Shit fucking sucks. You can't be prepared for what life is going to throw at you. You can take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and make a decision about how you want to react and create your outcome. I don't wake up everyday jacked on life. Most days I want to throw my alarm all the way to Japan, but I don't. Life doesn't stop because shitty stuff happens. If anything, it gets more chaotic and busy and stressful. So you, YEAH YOU, get up out of bed, take a moment to acknowledge that you get to take in oxygen for another day, harvest feelings of gratitude towards yourself and the life that you have, get some coffee, put on your stretchy pants and go to the gym, or journal, or meditate.....do what makes you happy and what will set your day off to a great start. Put on a little lipstick..for you NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE! Do you. Make yourself happy. Shine your light bright. And know this.. People will judge, they always do, but that is their insecurities and jealousy shining through and it is not a reflection of you as a person. 

~Ryanne 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Five

In hopes to clear my mind before bed, I am going to enlighten you a little bit on Chapter Five - which is called "The F Word." 

I learned a lot in this chapter. Primarily about how to forgive and how important forgiveness is. Almost everything I have done this past week has included some type of message on forgiveness.... odd right? No, it's a sign. I need to forgive people in my life, forgive situations that have happened, and know that these aren't acts of betrayal or hurt, but acts that are meant to make me stronger as an individual. 

Spirit Junkie says that "by defending myself I was making things worse." By defending my actions and my wrongdoings, I was making things worse. We must chose to remain defenseless in order to remain in the present moment. Don't dwell on the past, don't bring up the past in an argument, just stay present. Yes it's hard...so hard..but you CAN do it. I promise. 

By forgiving other people we aren't just letting them off the hook, we are doing something far more important. We are releasing ourselves of the negativity, the hurt, the pain, the struggle, and most importantly THE EGO. The ego convinces us that we are separate from the situation, that we are the victim... we aren't. 

Often times the act of forgiveness allows us to realize that we aren't mad at the other person, we are mad at ourselves. This was a huge realization for me. I am mad at myself for a number of reasons. Primarily, for not being able to keep my relationship together (But that's an entirely different post). 

By practicing the F word we learn that "When we connect to light within others, you can see them as equal and release your resentments." The ego's walls of separation are torn down and we can unite as one. 

Breakin' Down the F Word: 

Step 1. Recognize the illusion: Remember, in each situation we have 2 CHOICES: ONE IS TO SEE THE DARKENESS, THE OTHER IS TO SEE THE LIGHT. By choosing to see the darkness, we strengthen our own inner darkness, and when we see the light we shine from the inside out. 

Question: How have I chosen to see darkness in this situation? 

     A: Placing blame, being defensive, arguments, not taking ownership, silence, harboring old negative feelings. 

Step 2. Release Judgement: Take time to release judgments. This one is HUGE for me. HUGE HUGE HUGE. In my journey over the past 5 months, I have become increasingly quiet due to my lack of feelings to be judgmental towards others. 

Question: How have I been judging? 

     A: Lifestyle choices such as diet and exercise, significant others/partners, Careers, Goals, Motivation and lack of motivation. 

Step 3: Be willing to forgive: 'Do you prefer to be right or happy? The willingness to release the need to be right is a major step toward forgiveness." 

Step 4: Ask you ~ing for help: Ask for help and be patient. Trust the process and stay willing to the process. Like everything it takes time. Let your inner spirit guide you to forgiveness, don't force it and DO NOT GIVE UP ON IT! 

Lastly, don't be afraid to have feelings and emotions and to be a real human being. We are designed to feel, some more than others, but that doesn't lessen the fact that moving forward in life and in any spiritual journey is hard. You can cry, laugh, punch the pillow, karate chop and block, or whatever it is you need to do to work through your individual issues. For me, I am highly sensitive...like beyond sensitive, but I act like a hard ass because I have to. I cry ( a lot, no exaggeration) and I get mad but I direct my feelings toward something. Towards things like becoming the best me I can be, inside and outside. So don't say that you can't or that you won't make it. You will. You have to. If you don't, you will be miserable and forever the victim on a vicious cycle of unhappiness. No one wants that for themselves or for others. Get out there and do you - find your happiness and find your journey. 

~Ryanne 

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Spirit Junkie Chapter Four

In continuing with the Spirit Junkie journey... Chapter four is all about asking for help. 

This chapter talks about denial and how we often trick ourselves into thinking that we are not good enough in certain or all areas of our life and that we often seek out ways to define ourself. There is often a looming little thought that we are not enough, or just not good enough. Not good enough to be in a successful relationship, not good enough professionally, not good enough to be whatever it is that you struggle with. Therefore, we find new ways to define who we are. If we struggle with relationships we pursue business or other outlets that we can become successful at. 

For me, I struggle with relationships. Due to this struggle, I find ways to make myself busy and to become good at things. Going back to school was a big one for me. I needed to prove that I was good enough to get my undergraduate degree. Good enough to make it in the field of psychology. (Which I'm still progressing towards...but graduate degrees are expensive and serious time commitments). 

The real progress is made when we ask for help. When we take it upon ourself to ask ourself for help. As hard as that may be, it's a freeing experience. When I first started this book I had already begun to ask for help in forgiveness. I need help forgiving the people that I feel have hurt me in any way. Listening to my inner guide/spirit (~ing) is what it all comes down to. As the book says "The soul purpose of our ~ing is to guide our thoughts back to love." I need to awaken my inner guide and trust her and trust that she will guide me towards forgiveness and love. HELL NO, it won't happen overnight but it will happen. Our ~ing does not judge the process and is patient with us. The key point is remembering to listen to her. 

In surrendering to our ~ing there are three steps: 

1. Gently surrender 

2. Ask for help - through the use of prayer, journaling, or internal dialogue. Find what works best for you. 

3. Wait patiently for a response - this can be in the form of intuition, an inner voice, or an external message. 

Now now now - yeah I know what you're thinking, "you want me to be patient?!?! BUT I've surrendered and asked...." Trust me and trust yourself. Just wait and be patient. Remember good things come to those who wait.  

Spirit Junkie Chapter Three

The learning continues. I am amazed at the progress a mind can make in such a short amount of time. The third chapter of Spirit Junkie focuses on that special relationship and how we make idols of certain people and/or things. 

"The ego convinces us that all the love we need is in one "special" person." Basically that we need that one person to be complete. However, no one person can be your main source of happiness. "The ego had convinced me that without a man I was incomplete..." How sad and true it is that most of us women and men feel this way, whether it be about a man or a woman. Often times we deny our own feelings and put everyone else before us. 

The chapter also talks about this thing called "future-tripping" and how the ego has the ability to convince us that someone we don't even know is super special. Like the guy that sends a flirty text or buys us a drink... All of the sudden we get all giddy and think that he is automatically that special someone and that we are going to marry that guy. Come one now ladies I know you feel me on that one. We've all been there and are guilty of the "OMG I just had the most amazing date.. I'm going to marry him" after just one date. Yeah it's fun to dream but that's not really a good way to stay in the present moment. 

The exercise for this chapter, Somethin' Special, was 3 steps on how to de-special a relationship: 

1. Whom have you made special? 

2. Out it. 

3. View it differently. 

These answers I have decided to keep to myself and have worked through the provided meditation to progress into to the next chapter. This is also something I will work on daily because I have had these relationships for the majority of my life and working to view them differently is going to take daily progress. 

The most important thing I took from this chapter is to remember that we are all created with an equal amount of awesomeness on the inside. We are so used to seeing others as better or worse than us that we forget this major detail. So remember that we are equal and we are all awesome! 

Spirit Junkie Chapter Two

DISCLAIMER: I've decided to make my experience through Spirit Junkie a public journey because I want to inspire and motivate others to find their happiness. In all reality I have been struggling for many years to find what happiness is and exactly what my happiness is. I hope that this experience not only helps me to surrender to my fears, but guides me to my ultimate happiness. And in return I hope that others can find their happiness as well. 

Chapter two of Spirit Junkie asks us to examine our ego. To take a look at how the ego keeps us stuck in the illusion of fear. A guided meditation is provided followed by a free-writing experiment which I found to be very eye opening and helpful. The meditation was used to prepare our mind to allow free flowing thoughts. On an inhale we bring in the good and positives and on the exhale we release the negatives and the unknowns. 

Following the meditation there is a series of 4 questions:

1. What are you afraid of? 

- I afraid of being alone, not being worthy, not finding love, not finding happiness, not being enough, hurting others, and losing people. 

2. How do I attack myself?

- I attack myself with various types of doubt, pain, guilt, negative talk, being too busy, over working, lack of sleep, and holding onto the past. 

3. How do I attack others? 

- I attack othere primarily by judging, but also with hatred, silence, anger, frustration, guilt, and not making time. 

4. How do I bring my past fears into the present and future? 

- I bring my past fears into the present and futur pe by judging and comparing people and situations to past situations and people, negativity, being closed-minded, doubting myself and lack of time. 

Becoming aware of the ego and how it works is challenging. I have already begun to notice it creeping up on me when I'm most vulnerable. Judging someone because of their looks or appearance, not making time for me because I don't have time, or hatred towards recent life situations. The goal of this experiment is to "release the blocks to the awareness of love's presence on the inside, rather than finding love on the outside."

Honesty is a a scary thing, being vulnerable is even more scary. Ultimately to find happiness being scared and vulnerable have to happen. Finding yourself will be totally worth the struggle! 

Namaste *Ryanne

Spirit Junkie Chapter One

Embarking on a new journey is tough. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. Honestly full of SHIT. Life is hard, transformation is hard, change is hard ... But it is always for the better and I emphasize the always. In starting my transformation it was solely physical - I wanted to lose weight, (okay fine I wanted to lose all the fat and cellulite that I had on my body), be confident, be sexy, and be healthy. I have achieved some of those things and I am making progress towards the rest. I am always making progress. Everyday is a reminder and a new day to make a teeny tiny bit more progress. Some days I make more progress than others, but have learned to not let the bad days deter me from my goals and dreams. 

In recent months my transformation has taken a mental and emotional change as well. I have deepened my yoga practice, achieved my goal of being a yoga instructor, learned to be less harsh and critical and judgmental but am still struggling with that last part. And yoga is a lifelong journey which I am so blessed to be on. 

Thanks to a recent breakup, from a person I had envisioned spending my life with, I realized that I have changed. I am no longer that overweight unhappy not confident girl...that girl that shared in the judgements and thought that being sarcastic and judging was funny. It's not. Let me repeat that IT IS NOT FUNNY. 

I used to talk just to talk and say things because I thought I had to. I wanted to be liked and loved and all of that outward judging was just a reflection of how I felt on the inside. I felt unhappy and fat and gross and depressed and anxious and stressed and a million other things. I portrayed that on others. 

In chapter 1 of Gabrielle Bernstein's book "Spirit Junkie," she talks about the "ego" - and that the ego's soul purpose is to convince us that love isn't real so that we believe in the fearful thinking of the world. The ego is our darkness, our fear, our internal bully. The ego loves to make us the victim. "The fearful projection that the ego inflicts on us becomes what we perceive to be our reality." No thanks to this we are left with feelings of fear, hatred, guilt, unworthiness, unhappiness and are prone to attack. 

Chapter One ends with a meditation on Negative Thought Patterns: listing off negative thoughts that the ego creates in us and denying its reality by responding with the loving response of "love did not create it, and so it is not real." 

My thoughts were/are as follows: 

1. I am unworthy of happiness. 

2. I am unworthy of a loving and supportive relationship with a man. 

3. I am not enough. 

4. I can't give myself fully to another person. 

As you can see there is a pattern... I believe that this pattern and my behaviors stem from the loss of my father 5 years ago. And now a self-induced and self-inflicted and for allllllll the wrong reasons poor relationship with my mother. I have grieved my father and have accepted his death. He is on a pedestal. A pedestal I use for comparison. Totally unfair. So in moving forward I acknowledge the past and my ego and respect what it has done and taught me. I move forward knowing that life's struggles are what make us strong and who we are. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. If it was this life would be a Lucky Charms box... And I'm thankful it isn't because I hate cereal. 

Remember this "We are all born into a state of love, in which we see everyone as equal," - Gabby Bernstein 

Things I've Learned

These past 6 months have been an incredible eye-opener to me. Most recently these past few weeks. My competition prep is revving up...I'm less than 8 weeks out from stepping on that elusive stage and it seems that my goals, dreams, priorities, and overall lifestyle are changing. Changing for the better. In my perspective anyway. My perspective is what matters when it comes to my health and well-being, and my life in general. 

So what have I learned..... 

1. I'm not good at relaxing.
 ----- I need to be busy. I will rest when I want to rest. I do not do well spending an entire day lounging or laying around. Do I like it? Of course. However, days like that are very rare.

2. I am adventurous and need to explore. 
 ----- My spirit demands to be freed and to explore her surroundings. I want to see what this world has to offer. To feel the wind in my hair and different grounds between my toes. I want to learn, I want to grow, I want to be the best me I can be. I want to challenge myself. I never want to be complacent. I never want to settle.

3. I need my independence. 
 ----- I was not raised to be dependent on others. I need support. I need companionship. I need friendship and love and touch and human interaction like every other human. What I don't need is someone to take 100% care of me. I like my independence. I like being alone. I like traveling alone. I like knowing that I can support myself.

4. I'm confident in my silence. 
 ----- I do not have to speak all the time. I do not want to, nor will I, speak poorly of others. I will love everyone equally. My silence does not mean something is wrong, it simply means I have nothing to say, and saying something would be false or unkind. Neither of which I want to be.

5. My goals have shifted. 
 ----- I used to have all these dreams and goals and thought that I would be happily married with 3 kids by the time I was 25. (Excuse me, while I vomit and laugh at myself). Neither of those have happened and I'm 30. My goals now are to become a better human, a better me. The best me I can be. To be confident, kind, happy, loving, caring, wanderlust, free-spirited and accepted.

6. Lastly, to be myself. 
 ----- I will not change for someone. I will not ask or expect someone to change for me. My relationships will be based on equal love and understanding of one another. They will not be based on ease and comfort. Relationships in which we can speak freely and act freely without fear of judgement or criticism. Where we lift each other up with respect, support, and gratitude for one another.

I am by no means perfect. I am striving to be the best me I can be. I am a work in progress. A continuous work in progress. Because progress beats perfection Any and Every Damn Day. 

Transformation Tuesday Thinkings

It's been over a year now since I embarked on this weird, terrifying, overwhelming journey of weight loss. I posted a while back about my transformation and my bikini competitor prep, but what I left out was all the behind the scenes bullshit that goes on.      

Behind the scenes... when the curtain is drawn... the things that people I (we) encounter daily... the struggle... the fight... the tears... the sweat... the sadness... the dedication... the hard work... the money... the appointments... the physical, mental, emotional... the things that are beneath the surface and hidden behind the curtain. 

I've been on this bikini prep now for a while. Yes it's easier, yes I'm in the home stretch. Yes I'll get on stage knowing that I gave it my all and did my best for the past 6 months. Yes, I am absolutely scared out of my damn mind. 

My progress shows the aesthetic side.. the physical side.. people see me and say Oh, you're skinny.. Oh, I didn't recognize you, Oh, you look great, Oh let me see your muscles..I bet you have abs.... 

No I don't. Not daily, and not all day long. I woke up with tiny baby abs on my 30th birthday. I drank a glass of water and they vanished. It happens. I have permanent oblique dents as you can see in the picture. Muscle..muscle that needs to be fed and nurtured. Muscles that hurt and ache and get tight and make me uncomfortable if I forget to foam roll or stretch. 

What you don't see are the tears I cry IN and out of the gym, the hours I spend cooking food, the time I spend shopping for food, the money I spend buying food (Costco should have a special card and checkout line for people like us), the time I spend diffusing the negative thoughts in my brain, the time I spend doubting myself and my strength. The emotional toll it takes on me and my loved ones. The physical exhaustion. The mental exhaustion. The sheer exhaustion. 

You don't see all these things behind the scene, below the surface. You see me.. full of coffee, exhausted, worn out, sore, tired, whiny, but with a smile on my face. No, prep isn't pretty, weight loss isn't easy, building muscle is fucking hard. I wake up every morning thankful that I have this body, this life, this opportunity to become the best me that I can be. I have good days and bad. I could say that I can do this on my own, but truthfully I couldn't, a support system is necessary. So necessary. People to uplift you, push you, and motivate you when are feel like shit and don't want to step foot in the gym. People to not question your food choices, comment on your lunch or the fact that you're eating AGAIN, people who are positive and supportive. You may not understand it, but it's not for you to understand. I will help you understand if you ask, but don't criticize me or pick me apart or comment if you can't be supportive. If you're curious ask, but don't judge. Remember, I'm human too. Just because I can't eat what you eat or drink what you drink right now doesn't mean I don't want to go out and do things. It simply means that we may have to pick a place that works for all of us, or have a picnic instead! 

So there's the behind the scenes. The good, bag, ugly, sweaty, tearful behind the scenes. Take it or leave it... or share in my journey and support me and every other individual on this roller coaster. Let's uplift and support one another. Remember, behind the scenes we all have struggles. It's what you do with the struggle that makes you, You. 

Ryanne

Transformation of a Lifetime

Holy man. Making progress. What a journey this past 4 months has been. 

Wait, back up.... 

June 2014 - unhappy, unhealthy, not confident. I mean just look at my body and my face. I was so stressed out and so tired. Just run down to the very last drop. 

Fast forward to May 2015 - I had lost about 20 pounds on my own before meeting with my coach/trainer to discuss this thing they call a bikini competition. I walked, chatted, got measured, and signed my contract and a chunk of my bank account over to him. 

Coach literally responded with "what am I getting myself into?" Thinking that this wasn't going to last or go very far, or maybe that I wasn't serious. I honestly don't know what went through his head but he has stuck by my side every step of the way.

Now moving forward to 3 weeks into my transformation - which will now be referred to as a lifestyle: 

   3 weeks into my training at about 153 pounds. 

I'm not going to sugar coat - it was rough. I remember when I had a cheat and at an oatmeal raisin cookie - I felt so terrible! I immediately texted Coach and was all "oh gosh, I ate a cookie, just one, it will never happen again I swear!" 

Thankfully he was kind about it and told me that it can never happen again (not during training)!!!!

Fast forward - July 1, 2015. I went swimsuit shopping. Yikes! I haven't liked swimsuit shopping in...uh...well probably since 9th grade. My goal for 2015 is to do an unassisted pull-up and to have abs for my 30th birthday. The pull-up is in progress...along with the abs. I have little baby ones but they're going to make an appearance before my shows. I know it!!! 

So I found a couple of swimsuits. A little snug around the hip at this point in the picture but overall they fit...and I felt great. Bonus - the bottoms are a M not an L. 

                                  Left 6/24/14 middle 7/1/15 right 8/1/15

Weight 180lbs, 147lbs, 145lbs 

Onto to the current - 8/1/15 - I have over halfway through my 

training and have 10 weeks to go until I step on stage for the 

very first time! So many emotions. 

I took this picture on a whim in the yoga studio and was 

pleasantly surprised by my progress in 4 weeks. Needless to 

say my progress is starting to become more noticeable. I've 

had people not recognize me, walk past and not realize it's 

me!!! 

I've been very apprehensive about sharing my pictures, mainly because I am still stuck in my own head a little bit. The mind is a sneaky little bastard and likes to play tricks on you. Especially in the midst of a ferocious training regimen complete with meal and workout plans!

What I have learned is that the number on the scale is just a number. It fluctuates. Trust your body and TRUST THE PROCESS! Learn from your coach and bust your ass everyday like you don't have another chance! Change is possible. You just have to want it. 

Big shout-out to my coach - without you this isn't possible. 

You make dreams into a reality and have the biggest heart 

around. Even when you're mad I know you care about all 

your competitors so much that you'd jump in front of a plate 

of chocolate ice cream peanut butter pie topped with sour 

patch kids just to keep us on track! 

Fire Up!!

Ryanne