The past six months have been an interesting six months to say the least. For one, I am six months post bikini competitor life and have jumped headfirst into training for my first figure competitions in Spring 2017. Second, I have developed an unhealthy healthy relationship with my food and diet. Let me explain...Today I attended a seminar on eating disorders and had so many moments of "holy hell, that's me" and "damnit, it shouldn't be this difficult." I would not classify myself as someone who has an eating disorder. However, I am beginning to realize that I have an addiction, an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. To me, this is terrifying. This is never something I anticipated would continue to go on for six months after my competitions.
Let me break down my daily self-discussions with you (because I'm not the only one struggling, and I have had this conversation with multiple people over the last few days)
- Wake Up - Oh I feel so good
- Breakfast - Mmmm my favorite meal - let's get the day started right! Oh a latte sounds nice, but wait it has flavoring and extra calories with the soy milk and sugar, and you don't need it so just get black like always because all that extra is bad.
- Afternoon - A glass of wine or something sweet would be amazing tonight.. but it's not on the meal plan, it's not allowed, it will ruin your gains, you'll feel like crap, it's not worth it. But it would be sooo good.
- Workout - maybe I want to, maybe I don't - you'll feel better if you do, you can have that glass of wine if you do, but that glass of wine will make your workout pointless, so don't have it. Go to the gym Ryanne.
- Post-Workout - because I wouldn't skip a workout (insert eye roll) if I did skip my lift it would lead another debate about how I should be at the gym instead of at home, out with friends, or resting.
- Dinner - hmm same old chicken, sweet potatoes, and spinach. Yes, I DO LOVE THIS MEAL! But I'd rather be cooking something more fun, yet healthy and enjoying it with people I enjoy being around. I'd rather be out with a friend on a random night enjoying an adult beverage. I'd rather not force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. If I do any of those things let the internal committee begin the battle again of how I should just eat my prepped food because I won't feel like crap, I won't ruin my gains, it's what's on the plan, and I can see my friends another time.
- Next day - if I did cheat or slip up, all the comments come on hardcore - you're fat, i feel disgusting, so bloated, new pimple, red face, uncomfortable, never going to see my abs again, don't let it happen again...
Do you see a theme? Everything I do is a battle. Every time I want something off plan, meal or workout plan, my brain freaks the fuck out and the committee brings on a huge guilt trip. I'd be lying if I said that competing was worth it. Competing was an amazing experience in my life, and I am beyond thankful for what it taught me and continues to teach me. I have become increasingly self-confident as my weight has crept back up since my shows, yes a lot more of it is muscle, but even at my heaviest weight (pre-competing) I do not recall being this self-conscious.
In the seminar that I attended today I learned that my relationship with food, and my lifestyle, can be healthy. Finding balance is key, but also hard, especially when your metabolism is in this state of imbalance. The brain is also imbalanced. I know this firsthand. I know this because rationally I know that I am not fat, I know that I am not disgusting. I know that. However, the brain is an asshole and attacks at any moment of weakness. I learned that "Everything that your outside looks like is not what your insides feel like. You're telling yourself that you're much larger than you really are." Calling myself fat and bloated is re-enforcing my negative self-image. My self-talk goes from damn I feel and look good, to I'm fat and feel/look like shit. Not healthy right?So how can it be changed? First, surrounding myself with people who have supported my journey and those that have been on the same journey as me. We all struggle with the same issues. Binge, feeling guilty, back on plan, fall off, binge, feel guilty, hop back on, swear to never fall off again, but than that jar or peanut butter and bottle of wine catches your eye at ladies night and you're off again.... I mean, I'm a 30 year old adult - if I want a glass of wine, I should be able to have one without having an 8 hour internal debate with myself over it. Right?
My hope, for myself and others, is to turn the self-talk from negative thoughts to positive thoughts - I am strong. I am healthy. My weight does not define me. I can have a glass of wine. Moderation is key. Balance is important. I will find balance. I will be happy. I am confident.....Remember - our thoughts are powerful. They have the ability to change the mood very quickly for worse or for better. What do you want your thoughts to be?
~ Ryanne
